95% Complete & Utter Crap

Getting sweaty is the first sign....

2012-01-19T21:24:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear friends, it's been a little while since I wrote, so I thought I'd take a moment and give you all a quick update...since I know that your entire lives revolve around what's happening in mine!

Work is still going very well. I'm finally getting the hang of things and don't feel quite so lost. I still have to ask where things are in the storage closet, but it's getting a little less confusing every day....eventually, I'll be a well-oiled nursing machine and that'll start as soon as I can find the band-aids without assistance!

I assisted with a vasectomy today. I got about 3/4th of the way through and started feeling like I was going to pass out, so I had to leave. I was incredibly embarrassed to have to leave and apologized to the MD. He was very cool about the whole thing and told me a story about a previous MA he had that full-on passed out and the patient caught her head before it landed in his crotch. I may not be proud about having to leave, but at least my head didn't almost end up in a naked stranger's crotch. On a side note, any man who has had a vasectomy deserves a prize....that procedure does not mess around....it involves long needles going in to sensitive man bits and portions of delicate muscles being stripped away using pointy, pointy scissors. Yeowch!

The kid recently had his expander put in. Essentially, it's this little mouth piece that widens his upper jaw. It's going to be in for the next 6-8 months and the resulting speech impediment is beyond adorable. I'm serious. In the first couple of days of him having it, I had to constantly stop myself from wanting to eat his face off because he was so cute! Who knew orthodontics could be so heart-melting?!

I have come to the conclusion, that I'm slowly losing my mind. My short term memory is completely down the toilet. If I don't write it down or leave myself a reminder, it doesn't happen. I'm trying not to believe I have early onset dementia and instead haven't been getting enough sleep or am still suffering from Mommy Brain. I guess I need to start doing Suduko...that's supposed to help keep your brain sharp....hmmmm....I wonder if they have "easy" level Suduko, 'cause that stuff is crazy!

Speaking of brains, did you know that our brains are shrinking? They are. Our brains are evolving to be smaller. Some researchers feel that it's because our brains are becoming more streamlined and we're evolving to need less brain matter to do more. Other researchers disagree and say we as human beings are becoming dumber and the diminishing brain size is a correlation to this decrease in smarts. I'm wonder if the latter researchers have been watching this seasons Bachelor for their studies!!

Annette, a few thoughts. 1) You forgot about Jewish guilt. I hear that is worse that Catholic guilt. 2) Unsolicited advice--could Avery's 9-day Puke-apalooza be the results of a food allergy? 3) I wandered around the Smith's for 25 minutes today after work, trying to decide on what to make for dinner, and it made me think about you and Diet Sprite and lemon and that made me miss you. 3) Your post about Grayson and his army of dancing Graysons made me laugh so hard....I bet you wanted to eat his face off, huh?!

Workin' 9 to 5....well, really 8:30 to 5:30, but it doesn't have the same ring and besides, I want to quote Dolly Parton and you can't stop me!

2011-11-22T19:29:00.000-08:00

First, let me begin by wishing my dearest friend Briskey a happy birthday! What's that you say, you say that it's not Brian's birthday, that Brian's birthday was actually on Sunday....the 20th...oh....ooops....my bad.....oh, well, better late than never: Happy Birthday, Briskey!!

Second, the reason I've been a little absent is that I recently started a new job. I'm working as a nurse full-time for a local physician and I start my working day at 8:30 and I don't stop until I leave at 5:30 and by the time I get home, I'm so tired, I can do little more than watch television and feed myself dinner without spilling on my shirt! I'm still learning all the quirks of the office and trying not to get overwhelmed by the new stuff I'm learning every day. I'm just trying to stay focused on the day, hopefully in the near future, that I won't have to ask where stuff is! And Ann-ette, you should know, that I'm doing all of this to one day be able to be the nurse for Mike at his practice, so you should probably warn his nurse that it's only a matter of time before she's replaced and then Mike will be surrounded by you at home and me at work and he'll LOVE it!!

Since writing to you last, Christopher and I celebrated our one-year anniversary. I still can't believe it's been a year...it's crazy! We went out to dinner, just the two of us, and it was lovely. Sometimes you get so caught up in the day to day grind that you forget about how much you love the person you're married to!

Today's installment of "Funny Things My Kid Says":

The other day Gavin was helping me with some household chores. I was telling him that I really enjoy sweeping because at the end of all the work you've got this pile of dirt and junk that shows the effort was worth it. I said that it made me feel like I had accomplished something. After we swept, he vacuumed the front room all by himself and when he was finished he turned to me and said, "You're right, mom. This is fun! And I feel really fulfilled!"

Manly Men

2011-10-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

An open letter:

Dear Cashier Lady at the grocery store,

The answer is yes. Yes, I'd like my groceries in a shopping bag. All my groceries. Yes. Even the frozen pizza.

Sincerely,
Amanda

The weather sure has turned frosty here. We had to turn on the furnace the other day. You always know when winter is approaching because the entire house smells like that burned socks haven't used the furnace in a while smell. I'm actually looking forward to it cooling down. That means it's sweater weather, my favorite, but I could do without the snow. Is there somebody who I could talk to about having no snow during the winter?

I've become addicted to the CSI reruns on SpikeTV. They start at 9am and go until 1pm. By the time they're finished, I've lost the entire morning, and I feel marginally guilty about it, but mostly I wonder what episodes are going to be on tomorrow!

Training for my new job went well. Everybody was extremely nice and patient with me. It's always a crap shoot whether or not you'll fit in, so it's nice when you do.

Ann-ette, I giggled non-stop for a solid minute about Grayzilla and his frogging in the computer room and then telling you about it! I giggled about it just now writing this!

Lillith--isn't it nice to know the incessant, stab-inducing songs of those alphabet videos actually work! It makes the potential nervous breakdown worth it!

I have a few additions to the blog installment of "Funny Stuff My Kid Says"

I was driving the kid to school the other morning, this was our conversation
Me: I'm hungry!
Him: Me, too!
Me: How can you be hungry, you just ate a bowl of cereal and a cup of hot chocolate/!
Him: Mom, just because I already ate breakfast, doesn't mean a man can't be hungry.

As I was leaving to go to Salt Lake, Gavin was hugging and kissing me and telling me "please don't go" and "I'll miss you". I gave him a hug and told him I'd be home soon and he wouldn't even notice I was gone. As soon as I stepped out the door, he turned to Chris and said, "It's Man House now!"

While I was away at training, Gavin and Christopher were attempting to finish the Raiders of the Lost Ark level on Legos Indiana Jones. As they were playing Gavin told Christopher to pause it, because he had to go to the bathroom. He ran to the stairs and before ascending them, turned to Christopher and said, "We need buckets. Pee buckets. Then we wouldn't have to stop playing to go to the bathroom, we could just use the pee buckets."

I'd like one Satin Scorpion Jacket, please....

2011-10-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

Hans and I went to go see the movie Drive yesterday, since she was up visiting for the weekend. I love Sunday matinees in Logan because nobody goes to movies....it was just Hans and I in the theatre (except for half way through when a weird dude came in and sat near the front of the theatre and then left before the credits....strange)....so we got to talk in outloud voices, which is something we're vigorously against at regular movies, but when it's just you and your sister, you can break the rules a little! Anyway, it was a very good movie. The pacing of the movie was very interesting in conjunction with the premise that the lead character is a get-away driver for criminals, so it would ebb and flow between being tense and fast and being slow and subdued. The second half of the movie was pretty bloody and violent...I could have done without seeing the fork stuck in a dude's eyeball....but I really enjoyed it and would recommend it. And my goodness is that Ryan Gosling dreamy.

I bought myself a little sewing machine this weekend, so I can sew Gavin's Halloween costume. It's nothing fancy, but it's a good little machine. Gavin has become obsessed with it. He's been asking to sew on it since I got it. So last night we sat down and I taught him how to sew. He just finished making me a belt with several pockets on it. It's slightly too big and the pockets have been sewn on upside down, but he was very proud of his first belt and I am currently wearing it!

I start training for a new LPN job at a home health company this week. It's in Salt Lake, so I'll have to drive down once a week and stay with Hans and my dad, but it'll be good to keep my skills fresh and to get a little experience.

I'm with Kevin, Ann-ette, it's important to get things in order. I have a will and Gavin will be going to my brother and his wife if anything should ever happen to me. I don't anticipate ever needing it, but it's good to have it. Also, I'd be happy to take on Grayzilla and Bebe Avery. Gavin is so grown up, he hardly needs me anymore and I've been missing having a little one around! Besides, who better to take care of your kids than someone in the medical profession?!!

Speaking of babies, I had another weird dream the other night that I artificially inseminated myself in the backseat of a limo and then started to freak out when I realized the sperm was from a black man and I didn't know how I was going to explain to my husband (who didn't look like my husband, but looked like the actor who plays Michael Westen on Burn Notice) why I had a black baby! I don't know where these dreams are coming from, but maybe I need to start listening to some Yanna before I go to bed...mellow this shit out a little bit!

In today's installment of "Funny Stuff My Kid Says"
The other day we were watching The Daily Show and they were discussing how poorly Rick Perry handled the Republican candidate debates. On one of the clips of the political shows, the commenter was equating Rick Perry's inability to form coherent arguments to having just "vomited on himself." John Stewart than took the joke a step farther and imitating the aforementioned commenter talked about diarrhea and poo and Rick Perry putting his hand in it. Well, Gavin and I having the mind of a 12 year old boy and finding bathroom humor funny, just laughed and laughed. Between giggles, Gavin said, "I don't know who this guy is, but he's hilarious!"

Buttons, Nuts, and Cupcakes

2011-09-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm currently writing this blog post on my iPhone. Why am I writing from my iPhone you may be asking yourself. Well allow me to explain. It is because my son currently has possession of my computer and is playing an online game entitled Defend Your Nuts. Yes. Defend Your Nuts. In which the player is a squirrel and must defend his nuts from various monsters that intend to steal his nuts. I told Christopher if he played his cards right, we'd play a little Defend Your Nuts later tonight! Was that an overshare?!!

In keeping with the overshares, Lillith, true story... I went braless once and the first words out of my mother's mouth was "your buttons are showing"!!

I'm happy to report I got my flu shot and didn't feel the teeniest bit ill afterwards....last year I got my shot and got pretty sick the next day. Maybe that's not the best way to encourage you, but everybody get a flu shot this season....you'll thank me later!!

I just finished making fun-da-middles cupcakes. If you haven't heard of them, find them at your local grocery store and make them, as they are awesome and ridiculously delicious!

The auto correct on my phone kept changed fun-da-middles to fun-da-Middlesborough. Not a very good name for cupcakes in my opinion.

And Ann-ette, two things. One. I was NEVER a crier, and as soon as I had Gavin, it's waterworks central. Ask Christopher about the time we watched the movie Taking Chance and they showed pictures of the real life Chance at the end of the movie and I cried for an HOUR....an HOUR!! And if I know a tv show that I usually watch is going to have an episode that deals with something awful happening to a child, I refuse to watch it. Two. I am very glad you gave up that ridiculous diet. Here. Have a fun-da-Middlesborough

A cream and two sugars

2011-09-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm writing to you all between bites of blueberry muffin. Don't get excited. It's a FiberOne blueberry muffin. This makes me officially old.

My husband's dog (I refuse to accept true ownership and refer to him as "our" dog) is in the front room eating toilet paper he got out of the bathroom garbage. And when I go anywhere near him, in a vain attempt to get the toilet paper, he picks it up in his teeth, growls at me and runs away. I'm convinced that he does this just to be an a-hole.

Since marrying Christopher, I have become a coffee drinker. Granted, I have to put so much milk and sugar in it to make it sweet enough, that it really should be called Sugar Milk with Coffee, but I was recently at the Starbucks and thought I'd try their new Pumpkin Spice Latte. Oh geez. It's good. TOO good. Now my day revolves around how I can manufacture errands that need to be run so I can, without guilt, go to the Starbucks and get one. This could potentially be a VERY bad thing for my wallet and my waistline.

I work my first flu shot clinic tomorrow. There's nothing really funny to say about that, just thought you guys might like to know.

Gavin's obsession with Star Wars continues. Last night he came upstairs, having made a throw blanket into a cloak and said "Look mom, I'm Lando Calrissian!"

Ann-ette, I was thinking that EXACT same thing with Dominique!! My first thought was how she lost the baby weight so fast and then quickly the second thought was "Who's taking care of your baby?!!" I don't know why you'd want to be away from your baby, but I suppose the paycheck for the series is pretty good, but let's be honest, we all know that Laura is going to win (as she was robbed and should have won her cycle), so missing that snuggle time with your baby wouldn't be worth it to me. And also, I think it's unnatural to lose all the baby weight that fast!!
P.S. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself about the baby weight stuff. You're healthy and happy, with two beautiful babes and a husband who loves you and you'll lose the weight eventually, cut yourself some slack!

Ok, I better go. The dog is barking at a sprinkler. Sigh.

Who cares! Just eat the cake already!

2011-09-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

Gavin started at a new school this year and the curriculum is a little more involved than at his last school. I was helping him with his homework tonight and this was one of the actual questions we were faced with in the math section:
The clockmaker's wife was a mathematician. On his birthday she invited five other couples to tea. She made a birthday cake decorated to look like a clock face with numbers made from pink icing. She cut up the cake into twelve slices with a number on each slice.
The slices that she gave to each couple added to the same number. What was the number?
The clockmaker had the slice with 12 on it because it was his birthday. One guest wanted 7 because it was her lucky number. All the slices that went to men added to a number equal to those that went to the women. How could this be arranged?

O_O Blink Blink Head Scratch Huh?

Did I mention that Gavin is 8? EIGHT!!
It is a good thing that I married a man who is good at math, because that shit was even confusing to me!

Annette--I have seen pictures of Baby Avery and there is nothing that would make me think that she is a freakishly tall/big infant. Perhaps you need to put a Toony next to her in future photos so I can see the scale of things!!

Christopher and I are going on a date tomorrow night. I honestly can't remember the last time we went on a date! I think it was some time in February...maybe....It gets tricky trying to organize alone time with 3 babies, but we're going to do it. I might even shave my legs!

I'm reading a book entitled The Girls of Murder City. It's a non-fiction book about the women that inspired Chicago, but it explores more than just the women; it explores the entire culture of 1924 Chicago and the relationship between Prohibition, Gangsters, Women who murder, and the papers and reporters that cover the trials. It's really interesting and it's fun to see the way the fiction within a play weaves with the fact of real life. I highly recommend it!

In today's installment of "Funny Stuff My Kid Says":
Actual quote: "And if World War III starts, mom will send me to Canada, they are quite friendly there."

Mixed Tapes, anyone?!

2011-09-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

My car doesn't have a CD player, so I'm stuck with only being able to listen to cassettes or the radio...it's not as bad as it sounds. I recently cleaned out my car and found my grandmother's Shirley Bassey's Greatest Hits cassette tape that I inherited when she passed away (I also have a wide collection of Barbra Streisand, George Strait, and Louis Armstrong--what can I say, my grandma had eclectic tastes!). Anyway, I have decided that I love Ms. Shirley Bassey and want to be as sassy as she is when I grow up. Diamonds are Forever is hands-down one of the best sung songs in movie theme history....

Gavin has become mildly obsessed with Star Wars. I recently found him a book entitled The Strange Case of Origami Yoda about a social misfit who is exceptionally good at origami and creates an origami Yoda finger puppet that gives sage and wise advice to the children of the school. He's reading it to me before bed and I find myself chuckling quite a bit at the lovely writing style and the story. Chrizzie, I think Little Richie would find it hysterical. After reading tonight's chapter I have decided that the phrase "peed in my pants" will forever be funny....

America's Next Top CIA Secret Model Search of America Super All-Star Edition premiered tonight. You know I watched the shit out of that show! I realized tonight that I have seen every single cycle of ANTM. I'm not sure if this is a badge of honor or if I should be terribly embarrassed. Either way, I have decided that I don't like Nigel with hair. As I told Briskey, he looks like he's either going to try to sell me a used Cadillac or put a roofie in my drink!

I also watched the premiere of the new show Ringer with Sarah Michelle Gellar. I really, really liked it. It's nice to see SMG back on TV. My mom and I discussed that she looks older, but exactly the same! To be perfectly honest, I would watch the show even if it was terrible, but I'm glad it's not. Besides, that Ioan Gruffudd sure is dreamy.

In today's installment of "Funny Stuff My Kid Says":
I was talking with my mom today about how Christopher and I have been married almost a year. She jokingly said she was surprised that we'd lasted that long and I responded with "you thought I would have stabbed him by now?" She chuckled and Gavin, who was sitting on the floor playing Star Wars Legos, looked up and said "There have been a few close calls."!!

Unde e toaleta?

2011-09-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ever since Annette mentioned the "Stats" tab, I've become mildly obsessed. Evidently, I'm huge in Romania! So, let me take a moment and welcome my Romanian readers: Salut! Ce mai faci?! It is interesting how small the internet makes the world, isn't it?!

Speaking of Annette, it's her birthday today! Huzzah! I really do consider her to be a great blessing in my life and think she's the cat's pajamas! And though we grow older, Ann-ette, I want us to never grow up!! Now I'm going to watch some Xanadu while drinking a diet sprite with a wedge of lemon in your honor!

I've had another zombie dream. This one involved Christopher making me go to a zombie growing farm. The reanimation of corpses was achieved by wrapping them in a shroud and continually dunking them in some sort of liquid in big bathtubs. So I was standing, holding the upper head portion of the shroud and dunk, dunk, dunking, when the zombie came alive, turned it's head around 180 degrees, snarled at me and took a huge chunk out of my hand. I woke up when the zombie bit me. I'm not entirely sure what the prevalence of zombie dreams seems to denote for my subconscious mind, but between them and the pregnant/baby dreams, I'm slightly worried for myself!

The hunt for a full-time job continues. It's very discouraging when companies won't hire you because you don't have the experience, but you can't get the experience if no one will hire you!! I'm just gonna keep on truckin' though...it's the only way to be....

Yesterday daddy's JV football team was in the valley playing a game against Skyview, so Christopher, the kid and I all went. I have decided that it is not a good idea for me to go to these games as I nearly ripped a dude's throat out for bad mouthing the coaching. I may have an angelic, sweet face, but I will cut you if you mess with my family! I also had an older gentleman ask me if I had a boy playing on the team. I must say it was a bit of a kick to the ego. I know that I've let myself go a little bit and can't seem to lose the weight I gained with nursing school, but I didn't think I looked old enough to have a 16 year old son. Sigh. I'm convinced it's the forehead wrinkles and the age spots on my hands....it's like you wake up one morning and you've got old lady hands and you can't understand how this all happened! It's like my body hit its expiration date and there's nothing I can do now but watch myself decompose slowly over the next 50 years!

In today's installment of "Funny Things My Kid Says":
Yesterday, President Obama gave a special speech in Congress about his new Jobs bill. They were playing it on UPR and Christopher and I were listening to it. I had been up late the night before and was feeling a little tired, so I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes to listen. As I was laying there, Gavin tiptoed up to me, gently patted my shoulder and said "Do Republicans make you sleepy?!"

I think motherhood should award medals!

2011-08-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

The title section of my blog remembers previous blog titles....I don't know why, but this creeps me out. I guess it's helpful if I'm suffering from some sort of amnesia, like a soap opera character or that one girl who auditioned for So You Think You Can Dance with Cat Deeley on the Hot Tamale train dance show this year. But I'm not, so it just creeps me out.

Congratulations to both Kevin and Briskey for becoming gainfully employed. Hooray being able to pay the light bill doing something you love!

On the note of no longer being a burden to the taxpayers of America, I also have procured myself my first job as an LPN. I will be giving seasonal flu shots. It's a temporary job, only from September to December (flu season, ironically), but it feels nice to be using my license, even if it is spending six hours a day poking people in the deltoid!

My step-daughter Hannah turned 13 yesterday. We had six teenage girls giggling and whispering and eating treats in our basement last night for a sleep over. All of her friends are cute and not socially awkward at all. Nothing like myself at 13! Christopher is having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that his daughter is 13 and 3 years away from driving and dating. We have told her, however, that she's not allowed to date until she's 23, so we'll see how that goes!

We all drove to Idaho Falls on Monday to go see The Bodies exhibit. If you have the opportunity to see this show, I vigorously encourage you all to go. It's a collection of dead bodies, stripped of their skin and preserved using a special polymer. It is a bit unnerving when you first walk in and are met with the first body, but eventually the "creepiness" subsides and you're just left with this fascination of how marvelous and spectacular the human body really is. It is an interesting predicament trying to explain to your nine year old stepdaughter what testicles are, but a girl has gotta learn some time, right?!

In today's installment of "Funny Things My Kid Says"

With six teenage girls, and one tween who is desperate to be a teen, in the house last night, Gavin just could not handle that much estrogen. I went up to his little loft room above the kitchen for him to come down and have cake.

Him: Mom, I can't come down there. There are too many girls down there. I don't want to be in a room with that many women. It's an unnatural balance.

And he most certainly did not come down to the kitchen! I ended up having to take his slice up to his room for him to eat!

I wouldn't be surprised if I got a pat-down....

2011-08-04T22:47:00.001-07:00

All is quiet in the house....all the wee ones (and my not so wee husband) are fast asleep. I, unfortunately, seem to be experiencing a case of the Can't Sleeps, so I thought I'd update all you fine people (all 4 of you!), on what's been going on in this life I'm leading. Hmmmm.....where to start, where to start.....

Sadly, no more dreams starring Tom Skerritt. Sad face.

I took my nursing boards test last week. They are not kidding around when it comes to security/cheating prevention. Not only was I photographed and fingerprinted, but I was also palm vein scanned! Yeah, I'd never heard of it either, but evidently it's one of the ways the folks at PearsonVue ensure that I am who I say I am and that I haven't switched myself out with a smarter person named Tina who was waiting in the stall of the women's toilet in a blonde wig. I was convinced that I had failed. During the ENTIRE thing I was filled with the deep panic of currently being in the process failing, and failing in an epic manner. It was a terrible feeling. I finished the test in just 70 minutes and when I got finished the testing proctor said "Well, that was quick." This did not make me feel better and I made it as far as the main entrance of the building before I began to cry, and proceeded to cry for the remainder of the day....and most of the next day. Finally, I accepted that I was just going to have to take it again and that it would be ok, that I'd just study harder next time and be more focused. I was even contemplating getting a tutor. I was emotionally prepared for failure. Then I paid a small fee (the best $8 I've ever spent) and discovered that I passed! All that emotional anguish for nothing! All those tears and acid reflux and eating my feelings for nothing! I'm currently in the possession of my official LPN license and can now start looking for a job. You know, guys, it feels strange. It took me 2 1/2 years, from the start of this journey to the end, and I can honestly say I feel a little...I don't know, lost, for lack of a better word. I'm finally here and I thought I would feel different or it would feel different and it doesn't and I don't....does any of that even make any sense?!

Hans bought Gavin a bunch of classic books adapted for children. We're currently reading Call of the Wild, which I have never read. That shit is depressing. Gavin seems to think it's great, but I think it has more to do with the fact that it's told from the perspective of the dog and involves "adventure" than from what actually occurs in the story. He wants to read White Fang next, another book I haven't read, so I'm really hoping it's a little less depressing than this one!

It's thundering and lightning like crazy here. Summer storms in Logan....one of the lovely things about living here.

I'd like to start a new segment to my blog entitled "Funny stuff my kid says"! Today's installment involves a little backstory. I am addicted to chai tea lattes from the Starbucks. I have to force myself to only get the grande and to only go once a day. It's a terrible addiction. Due to my penchant for iced chais during the summer months, Gavin is well acquainted with the Starbucks (he will get himself either a vanilla bean smoothie, but his new favorite drink is the double chocolatey-chip smoothie). The other day Christopher bought a little coffee maker that allows you to only make one cup of coffee at a time and involves a small filter, a couple spoonfuls of coffee grounds and hot water from the kettle. So the other day Gavin was commenting about how he likes the smell of coffee...the premiere submission into "Funny stuff my kid says":

Him: Ahhhhhhh. The sweet smell of coffee in the morning. It reminds me of Starbucks. And I am awful fond of Starbucks!

I know. What kid uses the phrases "awful fond"?! I don't know where he gets it, but it's awesome!

My husband has just wandered out the the living room wondering where I am, so I think I'm going to to escape to the bedroom and have an actual grown-up conversation....no, that's not a euphemism....I really do mean a grow-up conversation....I've been a stay-at-home mom with Gavin and the girls for the past week, and I have to say, I don't know how you do it, Annette!!

I hope you're all doing well and take a minute to eat a snow cone...and no, that's not a euphemism either!

Your dad is gorgeous. Thanks, I know!

2011-07-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that as I get older, my dreams are getting weirder. I thought the weirdest one was the one where I was being chased by zombies through a high school library and the zombie turned out to be Tom Cruise, but last night's dream has topped it. I dreamt that I was married to my husband, Chris, but it wasn't Chris, it was Ewan McGregor, and we had gone on a holiday somewhere to this little bed and breakfast and while we were there we got all muddy and got mud all over the carpet and had to spend hours cleaning it up. Then in dream fashion, I wasn't muddy anymore and someone was knocking on the door to my room. So I go to answer the door and it's Tom Skerritt....for those of you who don't know who Tom Skerritt is, here is a reference pic....

Admit it, he is a little dreamy....anyway, so Tom Skerritt shows up because evidently Tom Skerritt and dream me used to be an item and he's come to interrupt my romantic mini-break holiday with my husband who is not Ewan McGregor but is Ewan McGregor to win back my affections. Dream me was pretty angry about the whole thing. The best part was when Tom Skerritt said to me, in an effort to make me love him again...."I heart (something I can't remember), but I heart heart you"! See what I mean, they just keep getting stranger and stranger!

I'm feeling a real lack of motivation to do anything today, which is a bad thing considering I have an NCLEX to study for and a storage room to clean out and bread and dishwashing detergent to go and buy. Please give me some motivation....anyone, anyone!

I took the kids to see Harry Potter on Sunday. I thought they ended it quite nicely. I was never a fan of the way J.K. Rowlings ended it in the book...that dumb flash forward scene with grown-up Ron and Hermione and Harry and Ginny, but even that didn't annoy me. I was a little underwhelmed by the fight seen between Mrs. Weasley and Bellatrix, I was hoping that it wouldn't follow the book and would be this epic girlfight, but alas, it wasn't and I was left wanting. Sigh. I would recommend going to see it, if you haven't already.

Briskey--I'm glad that you're back....I was starting to worry that something had happened to you, but you were just in the backwoods...phew! And YES you knew that Maryanne and Jeb got married....they've been married for like 4 years!!

If life were a multiple choice test, always pick C!

2011-07-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

After some confusion concerning my transcripts and the fine people at DOPL, I am now scheduled to take my NCLEX...it's the test that allows me to become a licensed PN. It's all very involved. I have to go to a specific testing center. I have to have my authorization to test letter along with my ID or I will not be allowed to take the test. I am not allowed to wear jackets, watches, jewelry of any kind, chew gum, or use chapstick while in the testing room....I must admit I'm a little anxious about the no gum, no chapstick....I'm kind of addicted to both and the idea of going without them makes me a little uncomfortable! The test can take up to 5 hours to complete and it can take up to a week to get the results back. And if you don't pass it, you have to re-register and pay the $200 testing fee again (I thought $200 was a ridiculous amount of money, but then my dental hygienist was saying that she had to take one test that cost her $1500 to get her license and I didn't feel so bad about the $200!!). I did pretty well on the practice NCLEX we took in school, but it's been over a month since I've thought about nursey stuff and I feel very "rusty"! Thankfully I have a couple of weeks to study before the test, so hopefully that will help and I can get my brain back into patient care mode and I won't have a problem! I AM going to have to find a way to smuggle in my Wax Baby Jesus, who is my good luck charm...he's too pokey to put in my shoe or down my pants...besides, there does seem something slightly sacrilegious about sticking a small religious icon down your pants!

Once a week, the kid and I go over to my mom's for "Date Night." She DVRs all the terrible shows we like to watch (Bridezillas, anyone?!) and then we spend all evening watching shows and eating dinner and talking about nothing in particular (which, in my opinion, is sometimes the best conversation you can have!). In the doorframe to the laundry room, are measurements of how tall the kid is for the last few years. His favorite thing is to run over and see if he's grown any since the last time we measured him. Well, last night, it turns out he had....he'd grown an inch in a month!! I guess that explains why all his pants seem to be too short now! I DO NOT like that he's getting older. It makes me feel like we're fast approaching that expiration date where he starts to think I'm lame and doesn't want to hug me anymore. I understand now why some ladies continue having babies because they always want the snuggle-cuddle stage.

It is Christopher and my's 9-month anniversary today! That's crazy!

Christopher and I are proud members of the NetFlix family and just got Season 3 of True Blood in our queue....we've watched the first disc and It. Is. AWESOME! They've just introduced the werewolves into the storyline and I'm patiently waiting for Alcide to make his appearance.....mmmmmm.....Alcide!

Floodikins--Indeed we do need to talk and catch up!! I have no idea what's going on with you!! How are Summer and the babies?!

Kevin--I hope Denver is treating you well and you've had some success with the job hunt...

Good Morning Lisa--I was literally thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were!! I am not dead, thankfully, and I think of you every time I pass your parent's house in the canyon!

Ann-ette--I agree with you...sometimes I look at the kid and think that he's still the most spectacular thing to me...and that I made him and carried him and raised him and he's for the most part a normal and smart kid! It's all rather surreal, isn't it?!

Holiday. Celebrate. I live in my sister's basement.

2011-07-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of July. Where did June go? I suppose summer loses some of it's magic when you become a grown-up and summer vacation ceases to exist, but I still marvel at how quickly time passes. It makes me feel old and I don't like feeling old.

I'm officially IV certified, so if anyone needs some maintenance fluid or IV piggy back antibiotics, don't hesitate to call. I successfully got both my sticks on the first try without any "fishing." I was very pleased....and so was Alivia....nobody wants to be a human pin cushion!

We have big plans for this holiday weekend! BBQs and trips to Bear Lake and water balloon fights. I will not be participating in the aforementioned water balloon fight, as I don't like wet underpants, but I'll fully endorse my children spraying their father with the hose!

Have a safe and fun Fourth of July Holiday everybody!! And just remember: "These Colors Don't Run"!!!

Just a little poke...

2011-06-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm doing IV therapy this week. After just four days I will be proficient in the art of starting IVs, calculating IV medications (which are, hands down, one of my most favorite things to do in the world....gtts/min and solving for x make me happy), and removing blood for testing. This is all very exciting. Except the fact that I've never actually put an IV in before, let alone gone anywhere near a human being with a needle. So before they let us "stick" our partner, we have to practice on mannequin arms (see above picture), complete with fake blood, that squirts back at you if you don't put the T-tube in fast enough! I performed my first successful angio-cath on a very accommodating mannequin arm today and am feeling a little more confident with my skills. My partner, Alivia, may not like me too much tomorrow, but I'm going to focus on not making her look like she's a IV drug abusing transient.

On a happier note, I haven't officially welcomed Baby Avery to the world yet.....so.....Welcome Baby Avery!! Yeah. That was anticlimactic. When you come to visit Auntie Amanda in a few years, I'll teach you some valuable lessons about not going to sleep with wet hair or wet fingernails and also how to avoid romantically pining after a gay man for 3 years....very valuable lessons indeed.

On a sadder note, I'm sorry about the job, Briskey. Keep your head up. Just keep swimming. Like a kitten in a tree, hang in there. You can always move back here and live in my basement. But you'll have to earn your keep by waking me up every morning by screaming "Fat ass, Fat ass" and then pantomiming Maggi smoking. The pay is excellent and I'll see if I can get you dental.

IIIIIIIIIIIII'mmmmmm Baaaaaaaack!

2011-06-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, my dear friends, it has been ever so long since I've been here with you. I apologize for my long absence. I have been very busy these last few months, allow me to elaborate....

1. I applied for the LPN program
2. I met an unbelievably cool man
3. I got accepted into the LPN program
4. I married that unbelievably cool man
5. My entire life became homework, clinicals, tests, homework, studying, and more homework

But now, dear friends, I finished my last final (Care of the Family, if you'd like to know) this morning at 10:30am and, with the exception of a few odds and ends to finish up (exit interview, field trip to the burn unit at the U of U hospital), I am officially finished with my LPN program and will graduate next Thursday night. Do you know what this means?! No homework! AND I can share my insanely boring life with you all on a regular basis...aren't you excited? You should be!!

A few things:

1. Briskey--Ashley needs to stop kissing all of those men. As a healthcare provider, she's increasing her risk for contracting infectious mononucleosis or herpes simplex virus 1! A little self control never hurt anyone, Ms. Bachelorette, play a little hard to get, geez...

2. Ann-ette--I'm hoping that option 1 is the suggestion I made for you the other day....awww yeeeaaahhh....

3. Lil--Your baby makes my uterus hurt. His 'No Look' is so unbearably cute, it almost melts my icy cold heart...almost...

4. Kevin--I'm glad that you're moving onward and upward...I'm sorry you didn't get the position, but as cliched as it sounds, everything happens for a reason and something fantastic is coming your way, I can just tell. Also, can I come to the Mile High city to visit and buy you some chocolate munchkins from Dunkin' Donuts?!

Ok. Well. I'm going to go. My brain is a little fried post-finals and I'm in need of reruns on Bravo! Peace out!

This post is Amanda approved!

2010-04-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I'm writing to you from the warm comfort of my bed (God bless the laptop) whilst wearing the sock monkey pajamas Hans bought me for Christmas this year...they're full of win and exceptionally warm. Annette, it's not snowing here, but it's doing that poser raindrop kind of thing that it really wants to be snow, but can't quite get there. I do not approve. I'm ready for real Spring weather, although I'm convinced we're going to have one day of lovely Spring and then it'll be 900 degrees, because Mother Nature is a cruel bitch who likes to mess with me.

I'd like you all to know that I took my physiology final yesterday and am now finished with all my prerequisite classes. I won't know how I did on the final until next week, but at this point, I'm so relieved to be finished that the grade is rather inconsequential! Next step, application process. I can already feel the acid reflux burning from the anxiety-caused churning of my tummy. You know what is funny, the fact that I am more scared about the application process than I am about having people's lives depend on me....I'm more frightened by their selection committee than being faced with a sucking chest wound....at least with the sucking chest wound I know what to do to fix it...with a selection committee, I have no idea....a basket of mini-muffins?

I started volunteering for a local hospice and was assigned to a lovely little spunky woman. I can't tell you much more than that, due to patient confidentiality, but she tells some of the greatest stories and I just spend 90 minutes a week laughing.

My room is an absolute disaster...it looks like a tornado followed by an earthquake and then a tsunami hit it. I had neglected it to do homework and now that homework is not an issue, I have to do something about it. My bathroom is starting to look like a bathroom you'd find at the Pi Kap House. I do not approve.

Gavin had his first soccer game tonight. It was raining, but the kids still played. Gavin didn't seem to mind, but my mom came home looking a bit like a drowned cat. She did not approve.

Ok. I'm going to go and watch Rick Mercer Report videos on YouTube....he's Canandiananandidianan and I don't understand all of the political jokes, but charming is charming and it transcends barriers!

Shirtless Jacob Black....check.

2010-03-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

Well, dear friends, I have finished my drug dosage and calculations class. I took my final yesterday, and with the exception of the diluent questions....damn diluents are my Achilles heel....I did pretty well. I ended up getting a 94.5 out of 100 on the final and a 96% out of the class. I must say that it feels good to check another class off my list! Now I just need to survive the next 4 weeks, and I'll be finished with physiology, too. I just finished my physiology lecture of the male reproductive system....it was quite interesting and I learned quite a few things....zip it, Briskey....I know you're just dying to say something snarky, but keep your comments to yourself!!

I'm also unbelievably, nerdily excited for New Moon to come out tomorrow. I'm vacillating between being that nerdy grown-up who goes to Borders at midnight to buy it or just going to get it Saturday afternoon after I finish my homework. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see how I'm feeling tomorrow!

Annette, I put on Twilight....for some odd, unexplainable reason, it makes me extremely sleepy.

And Lillith, I'm glad that your Edison Baby is sleeping better, mine, on the other hand, cries every morning because he's so tired, regardless of how early I make him go to bed!

And Quentie, I heard Jumpin' Jumpin' the other day and I instantly thought of you!

Spring Ahead? Kiss my ass.

2010-03-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

I agree with your comment completely, Kevin. I mean, what happens if the goatherder chooses the Americans and then in a few years the Americans pull out of Afghanistan and that goatherder is left knowing that it's only a matter of time before he's executed for treason. The author of the book actually makes some really interesting points about respecting the rules of engagement when you're fighting someone who has no desire to follow them...what do you do....how do you fight someone like that. It's an extremely interesting book, Kevin, you might want to look into reading it....he's got some elements of "Yay Jesus" and "Don't mess with Texas" and "I'm a Christian" that I found a little bit unnecessary, but I'm completely riveted by the fact that he never gave up...I can't vouch for the ending, as I'm not there yet, but if you're interested the book is called Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell if you get a free moment. How's Our Town going, by the way?

Today was a beautiful bright and sunshining day. I didn't have to wear my winter coat OR my scarf today and you know Spring is here because everybody has their scooters and motorbikes out. I love Spring in Logan!

I have my final for my drug dosage and calculations class on Wednesday. I know all the information is tucked away somewhere in my brain, I mean, I've learned it and been tested on it before, I'm just hoping my brain doesn't decide to do an information dump before then, otherwise, it could get very ugly! Sometimes I marvel at the fact that the thought of working in a busy hospital doesn't intimidate me, but taking tests makes me break out in hives!

Oh, and just for the record, I think Daylight Savings Time should die a slow and miserable death. That is all.

Beware the Ides of March

2010-03-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

Almost my entire adult life I've hated the month of March. Upon reflecting on why I feel this way I realized that some of the worst things that have ever happened to me have happened in March. Granted, I've never been stabbed by a Roman senate, but if I could fast forward through the entire month and go from February to April I gladly would.

I'm reading a book about a Navy SEAL whose team was ambushed in the Hindu Kush mountains of Afghanistan and he was the lone survivor. I just finished the chapter detailing the killing of his best friends and fellow SEALS and that even with multiple bullet wounds, broken vertebrae and shrapnel embedded in his thigh, he's climbing up the side of a mountain to try to signal to American helicopters that he's alive. I can't even fathom the mental strength you would have to have to not give up and keep moving after seeing the side of your friend's head shot off. He talks about how difficult it is for soldiers with the Rules of Engagement set up by the Geneva Convention, because the goatherder that they let go might be the guy who tells the Taliban where they are. No wonder so many soldiers come back with so many mental issues. You can't have to deal with those kinds of life & death decisions without having some residual effects.

I've become addicted to chocolate covered marshmallow eggs. I can't help myself. They're just so good. Curse Easter and all its tasty non-denominational treats!

Tears, Teeth and THC

2010-03-13T20:37:00.001-08:00

I do NOT appreciate in the movie 2012 when they drown the Indian astrophysicist and his family. Ever since I had Gavin, anything involving the death of children makes me an absolute wreck and I just cry and cry. I do NOT appreciate being emotionally manipulated like that. It was a crappy movie anyway, but still, I don't appreciate it one bit.

Gavin finally lost his top right tooth today! It had been loose and wiggly for ages and it finally fell out today. Him without that tooth is just about the cutest thing I've ever seen and I can't help but smile every time he comes to talk to me.

I went to the bar last night with my friend who is divorcing her cheating dog of a husband. The husband of the woman the cheating dog of a husband cheated with invited us all out. I must admit, the whole thing is quite bizarre--sitting at the table with the cheated on husband and the cheated on wife, but I had a really fun time, and I made two new friends. A successful evening, I think.

And Bree-ah-na, I didn't realize you were still reading my blog!! I clicked on your name to visit your blog and YOU'VE GOT A BABY!!! That's the kind of thing that you send an email announcement about!! I don't even remember Richie & Chrizzie mentioning it on their blog and now he's like 12 years old!! Congratulations! I hope motherhood is treating you well!

I would just like to share a little information I learned today while studying about illegal street drugs and their effects for my physiology class. Did you all know that Ecstasy aka E is actually a form of methamphetamine and that police and firefighters will not enter a home that is a known meth house without wearing a proper protective hazmat suit because it's so toxic? Also, that there are two types of marijuana plants--the male Cannabis sativa plant and the unpollinated female sinsemilla plant. Evidently, the sinsemilla version has a higher level of THC. I was not aware of all this....and this is why people accuse me of being painfully naive!

And Briskey, is there anyway that you and I can commit some sort of diner-wide poisoning, then dance around in strategically placed American flags? And can I please start calling you Honey-B?!!

Awesome vs. Not Awesome

2010-03-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

Things that are awesome:

Chai Tea from the Borders
Raisin Bran Crunch Extra
Getting 100% on my IV therapies test
Getting a 10 out of 10 on my physiology assignment
Watching the kid dance in the aisles at the grocery store; jazz hands were involved
Knowing that Spring is finally just around the corner

Things that are NOT awesome:

The small Latino man who broke into my father's house yesterday afternoon and stole Hans' laptop and just her laptop. I mean, who does that....steals just an off-brand laptop...the world's dumbest criminal, that's who.
The kid who thought it would be a good idea to try and pull Gavin's pants down at school. I've never wanted to hit a 7 year old before as much as I did when I received that phone call from the school telling me what happened. He explained to me what happened and we came to the conclusion that the little boy responsible is definitely a full-on weirdo.

Makes me want to barf.

2010-03-05T18:11:00.000-08:00

I just finished taking exam #2 for my physiology class. You know how when after you take a test you either have one of three "feelings?" The first is the pumped feeling of having just rocked the shit out of a test. The second is the dread feeling of having just failed a test. And the third is that feeling of uhhhrrrmmm, because you're not sure how you did. I'm at choice number three and it makes me feel like I want to barf.

A very dear and lovely friend just found out that her husband has been cheating on her with someone that he works with, but instead of wallowing and crying and whining, she's handling the whole thing with grace and dignity and keeping her head up. I'm immensely proud of her and in awe of that fact that she's functioning after such a betrayal. He, on the other hand, makes me feel like I want to barf.

I read an article recently about a woman in England who is giving her 15 year old Botox injections. Way to go mom. Way to eff your daughter up so much that she will probably have low self-esteem and self-worth for the rest of her life. That makes me feel like I want to barf.

Annette, you just have to accept that things will be squishy....you can't do that kind of "damage" to your body and expect there for be no consequences! I think you're beautiful and lovely and a stone fox. You do NOT make me feel like I want to barf.

Chapters, chapters, chapters!

2010-02-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break from homework. I've spent the last 5 hours working on assignments and I thought I'd take a break before I started on the readings for the chapters on the muscular and nervous system. The truth of the matter is I'm finding it VERY difficult to be responsible and do my homework, since I have a box of books from Amazon that have been calling my name. I got a little extra money and had been compiling a list of books I've been wanting to read, so the little extra money went promptly into the Amazon coffers and I now have 7 books to read! The thought of books makes me giddy! I started on the Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks last night...Henrietta Lacks was a black woman who died of cervical cancer when she was 31 years old in 1951, but before she died, they took a sample of her cancer cells (without her knowing) and unlike every other cell tissue sample hers didn't die, not only did they NOT die, but they started to replicate at a staggering rate. As a result, scientists have been using her cells for research since the '50s, developing polio vaccines and better understanding how the cells work and getting closer to cures for cancer. The only problem, the Lacks family never knew that their mother's cells were being used by thousands of scientists all over the world AND that companies had been selling their mother's cells and had made BILLIONS of dollars, with NONE of that money ever making it back to the Lackses. The story is fascinating and heartbreaking all at the same time.

So as part of my homework this week, I get to test my own urine. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. No. Seriously. I really am. I've been waiting patiently since the start of the semester to be able to do it and now I can. I mean, who doesn't want to know whether or not they have urobilinogen in their urine?!!

Speaking of urine, I was at the store buying alcohol swabs and came upon a home marijuana testing kit. So I guess that means when Gavin gets older and he starts listening to Bob Marley and going through bags and bags of Doritos I can use this at-home marijuana testing kit to check his pee for vitamins T, H & C!

Annette, I'm sorry about Grayson and his finger. It really is a marvel that any of us survive childhood!

So, I thought it would be interesting to institute a new feature to my blog, entitled, Amanda's Calculation Corner!! This way you call all get an up-close example of the kinds of things I'm learning in my drug dosage and calculations class. So here is today's calculation from my most recent chapter on IV therapy:

The order is to infuse 800 mL over 3.5 hours beginning at 9pm. At 10:30pm the IV infiltrated with 525 mL remaining in the bag. The IV was restarted at 11pm. Calculate the gtt/min rate using a 10 gtt/mL set to complete the infusion on time.

I'll post the answer in my next blog!

The square root of Height times weight divided by 3131

2010-02-15T19:19:00.000-08:00

Annette, I've sat down numerous times with the intention of writing a new blog and just haven't felt as thought I've had anything new or exciting to report, but seeing how you're holding my email hostage, I've collected a few tidbits to share with all of you.

1. My father took my son to see Monster Jam. Yep. An afternoon spent watching Monster trucks compete against each other. I've been told that there were a few "oh, yeahs" and some fist pumps involved. He came home with a hat that resembled the Monster Jam truck Gravedigger. I'll have to learn how to post pictures because the hat is kinda awesome!

2. I am officially half way through my Drug Dosage & Calculations class. We learned in class last week how to determine a dosage based on someone's body weight and body surface area! As nerdy as it sounds, I'm REALLY enjoying the class and get excited to learn new stuff every week. I'm also 1/3 of the way through my physiology class and I have to say I think it's my favorite of all the "body" classes I've had to take. It's amazing to finally know all the mysteries of the body and why your legs burn when you run too long or why your nose runs when it's cold outside.

3. I'm writing this blog from my newly acquired laptop! I know! I just joined the 21st century. After doing a little research and talking with Flood, I ended up buying a MacBook. I've named him Benny and use it to do homework and listen to my physiology lectures. I'm still getting acquainted with all the quirks, but so far I'm liking it a lot.

4. Lillith, take heart, Gavin was not a napper AT ALL. We used to call him "Edison baby" because the story goes that Thomas Edison would only sleep 4 hours a night because he had other things he'd rather be doing, so it sounds to me as though you have yourself an Edison Baby!! I know exactly what it feels like to be so tired you want to cry, but hang in there, it gets easier...

5. I've been watching the Olympics. I have to say that it makes me unbelievably nervous for the competitors. I mean, their whole lives have been about training for this moment and in just a second all that hard work can be destroyed....it's like the anxiety I feel for Cash Cab, but 900 times worse, but I still watch it....and, I'd really like to talk to the designer of the Japanese women's speed skating uniform....a gold lame unitard? Really? You really think that's the most flattering and attractive look?

Ok, Annette, did I earn my email now?

My dog has fleas

2010-01-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

Well, everyone, I am very pleased to announce that I am currently the proud owner of a Lanikai soprano ukulele! HOORAY! I can't even express to you in words how excited this makes me! It was delivered on Wednesday and I've already learned to play Ode to Joy and Love Me Tender and I am now moving on to chords (there are 15 of them to learn!) and strum patterns (it's usually two upward strums for every downward strum). I found several free ukulele music sites on line (one called Uke Hunt...go ahead, say the website name out loud, but not in mixed company...I made the mistake of telling Hans the name while we were talking on the phone without realizing what it sounded like and had a moment of "oh geez!") that have just tons and tons of songs that you would never think you could play on the ukulele, so I printed off You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC, I'm a Believer by Neil Diamond and I Wanna Be Like You from the Jungle Book and once I get the hang of strumming and chords (again, 15!) I'm taking myself on the road to a coffee house near you!

I bought the textbook for my Drug Dosage & Calculations class and realized it's been a very long time since I've dealt with fractions and decimal points and percentages! But I'm determined to do well and be a Heparin calculating ninja when the class ends in March. I'm also going to be working on my Human Physiology class concurrently, so I'm going to be up to my eyeballs in isotonic solutions and mitochondria!

The weird dreams continue. Last night featured Chrizzie and Richie. We were all road tripping to some location in the Pacific Northwest and Chrizzie's father warned us that the weather was very bad and that it wasn't safe to drive the highways at night because of the weather and bandits....yes, bandits....but we left anyway and on the way we stopped at a cookie making plant where Chrizzie and Richie were friends of the owners and I ended up starting the cookie-making machine (think the machine from Edward Scissorhands, only not as creepy)and all this dough started flying everywhere and there was a huge mess and everybody was like "Oh, that Amanda, bless her heart." and I felt really stupid so I decided that I didn't want to continue on the road trip and started to drive home, in the dark, and I was really scared of the bandits....and then I woke up. A few nights before that I dreamt I was in Grey's Anatomy and I had to protect George's blood from this crazy lady that was trying to get it....the crazy lady turned out to be the mom from Home Alone and I remember thinking in my dream, "Why is the mom from Home Alone and Midnight at the Oasis from Waiting for Guffman trying to steal George's blood?" All very strange.

Sweet dreams?!?

2010-01-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

Huzzah! The Holidays are over and things can go back to being only 80% stressful instead of 99% stressful. Huzzah!

I got bullied into celebrating New Years by Hans and Brother. I went to Salt Lake, drank entirely too many Bellinis (but, by God, they are good), ate too many quesadillas from the Sam's Club and ended up getting sleepy (booze and food coma I'm afraid) and Designated Driver dad drove us home (Midvale home) and we didn't even countdown or anything. I did however, in my tipsy mindframe manage to rock the New Year's Eve tiara Hans had purchased from the Target. I rocked it. I rocked it hard.

I must admit the one good thing about the holiday was having the entire week off from work. I just spent the entire time reading and crocheting and sleeping in and watching marathon upon marathon of awesome television. I finished Kathy Griffin's autobiography (still love her, even if her writing style leaves a little to be desired), Julia Child's memoir (want to be her when I grow up!) and the Canada Reads suggestion of Nikolski....Kevin & Ann-ette, this too is an excellent book and I HIGHLY recommend it...its made its way onto the rotation of books I will continue to read for the rest of my life....the characters are charming, the story is charming and the writing style is charming....an all-around pretty fantastic book. Now. Where's my damn Jade Peony, Ann-ette?!!

According to the tracking, my ukulele is currently in Commerce City, Colorado, after spending the holiday in Salina, Kansas. I have no idea where either of these places are located, but the important thing is that the ukulele is slowly, but surely making its way to me and then, Bon Jovi uke-style!

I've been having the oddest dreams lately. The other night I dreamt about The Grasshopper and the Ant, before that I dreamt that Ann-ette was married to Ryan Pence and madly in love with him. I'm trying to find a cause for the weirdness, but it's elusive at this moment. I know they say that dreams are the subconscious' way of working things out, but I'd like to know what Ryan Pence is doing in my subconscious, because frankly, it gives me the heebs!

Kevin, I was sorry to hear about Carolyn's mom. It's never an easy thing to lose someone, especially a mom, and just because she had dementia doesn't make that loss any easier....I hope Carolyn is giving herself time to grieve and cry...sometimes the best thing to do is just to cry it out....I'm a firm believer in crying things out and I encourage a healthy cry...I also encourage you to make her french toast and serve it to her while wearing a bow-tie and little else....everybody likes french toast....everybody likes bow-ties!

Lillith, I hope you're hanging in there and feeling as good as a 9 month pregnant lady centimeters from delivery can feel! Just remember, it will all be over soon and then the fun starts!

And just to make sure I don't incur the wrath of Briskey for not mentioning him....I love you and miss you and you DO look good in black & white!!

Pucks & Gs

2009-12-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

Well, this is the post-Christmas blog and I suppose it's tradition to talk about how great the holidays were and how filled with the Christmas spirit I was and how much joy and love the season brought. We all know that is not how I feel about things, so I shall leave you with the fact that because of Christmas I've eaten nothing but cookies and chocolate covered marshmallow Santas for a week straight and as a result my pants are feeling a little snug through the ass and I'm having eater's remorse, I spent most of the time doing dishes and cleaning, and I'm just ready for things to be over already. Can't I cancel New Years...I think that should be allowed...I mean, I know I can't cancel Christmas (the children, think of the children), but I think I should be able to cancel New Years...it's just always been one of those holidays that reminds me that I'm going to die fat and alone and be found 2 weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs.

Although I hate New Years, I do like the idea of starting new and fresh with a clean slate for a new year. That has always appealed to me, and I'm very happy to see 2009 come to an end. I know that early 2010 is going to be filled with a lot of hard work as I finish up my pre-reqs and apply for my program, but 2010 HAS to be better than 2009...karmically it just HAS to be!!

I am happy to report that my ukulele has been shipped and I should be receiving it soon! I can't seem to be able to track it from the number they gave me, but I'm not going to let that trouble me...it will get here eventually....right?

So I've been thinking about what new fact I wanted to research and realized that there were two little ones I wanted to do instead of one big one, so here it is, The Things You May Not Have Known, Post-Christmas 2009 style.

1. Hans and I rented Public Enemy, the movie about John Dillinger (starring Johnny Depp, who, looks EXACTLY the same as he did when he did 21 Jumpstreet...how is that possible?!). I liked it, except for the casting of Billy Crudup, but really that has more to do with the fact that I've never really forgiven him for leaving Mary Louise Parker 7 months pregnant to run off with Claire Danes...I mean, what kind of man does that, but I digress. Anyway, in the movie they referred to the FBI agents hunting John Dillinger as "G-Men" and I had no idea what the "G" in "G-Men" stood for, so I looked it up...it stands for "Government" but referred specifically to federal agents, not state or local government agents. Its first popular American use was in a book about Al Capone written in 1930, but was used earlier in Ireland starting in 1916 to describe the detectives of the Dublin Metropolitan Police force's "G Division."

2. Next. The Winter Classic. Now, if you're not a hockey follower, which, I must admit, I am not, you might not know what The Winter Classic is. Allow me to enlighten you. The Winter Classic is a NHL exhibition game that is played entirely outside! The first game was held on New Year's Day 2008 and was so popular (almost 72,000 people in attendance & 3.7 million viewers) they decided to do it every year. It's played in a different location each year...last year they played at Wrigley Field in Chicago and this year they're playing at Fenway Park in Boston (it's the Bruins versus the Flyers). And because the wind can cause an unfair advantage, the NHL breaks the third period into two 10 minute increments instead of one 20 minute period, and the teams switch directions! I know absolutely nothing about hockey (I suppose at one point I'll probably do a facts entry on that!), but I think I'll be watching the Winter Classic this year....think of all my potential hockey boyfriends!

Frets & Winds

2009-12-19T09:36:00.000-08:00

So my "How to play the ukulele like a Pacific native, only minus the beautiful copper skin and flowing island hair" book arrived on Thursday. It was a little bittersweet as you all know the ukulele itself is a good week+ from being delivered, but regardless I cracked open the book and took a gander. Gulp. The ukulele only has 4 strings and yet each string makes like a gazillion different notes! And reading the notes--Every Good Boy Does Fine and F-A-C-E? How is that helpful when both have Fs...so which F is it...the Fine or the F of FACE. And what the hell is an open note?!! They talked about playing the C string as an "open note" but didn't feel inclined to explain what an open note was. I felt a sense of panic...the whole endeavor was supposed to be a fun exercise in learning to play an instrument. Maybe this is what I get from buying a how-to manual from a man named Lil' Rev.

I finished all of my holiday shopping yesterday. It really is a marvel how many people were out at the stores. Still didn't make me like the holiday, but I am excited to see the kid open his presents.

So as I was reading My Life in France, Julia was discussing the Mistrals that hit Marseilles every winter. Now, I don't know about you, but I had NO IDEA what a Mistral was. This then set off a domino-effect of me thinking "well, what else don't I know about?" Well, I have decided that every week I'm going to focus on learning a little bit about something I have no knowledge about and lucky for you, kind readers, you get to learn with me...this week, obviously, is the mistral.

A mistral is a strong, cold, dry wind from the north which accelerates when it's funneled through the Rhone and Durance River valleys of France. It is mainly felt along the Mediterranean Coast of Southern France and can even cause sudden storms in the Mediterranean itself. It's name means 'masterly' in the provencal language. It is usually accompanied with clear and sunny weather, although extremely cold (enough to freeze salt spray onto windows and buildings). The winds can reach speeds of 90 kilometers an hour (that's about 56 miles per hour for us non-metric system users) and are believed to be a cause of good health, since the mistral dries out stagnant water and mud and blows away pollution. And now you know what a mistral is!

Sir, you are no gentleman. And you, Miss, are no lady.

2009-12-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

I watched a little bit of Gone with the Wind last night and it got me thinking, do you think Scarlett was really in love with Ashley or do you think she just kept chasing him because he was the one she couldn't have? And do you think Ashley was in love with Scarlett? I mean, he always seemed like a pretty stand-up guy, that Ashley Wilkes, so he must have loved her at some time, but had moved on to Melanie (who, I always identified with more than Scarlett...Scarlett I could never get a handle on, but Melanie made sense to me). And was Scarlett's near-constant pining after Ashley pathetic or tenacious? I mean, eventually she realizes she's madly in love with Rhett, but doesn't realize it until he tells her to get bent and then again you wonder if she really wants Rhett or just likes the chase. Again. I never understood Scarlett!

I finally got an answer about my ukulele after I called them. It will be shipped by the 29th. See. Now was that so difficult, Musician's Friend?!

Hans introduced me to a new website entitled Badass of the Week. Essentially, this gentleman takes "badasses" from history and writes little biographies about them--some are obscure like Coelia the hostage and some are not like Marie Curie (THE CUUUUUURRRRIIIIIIEEEEES!). Anyway, this man has just about the funniest writing style I've ever read and I find myself spending far too much time reading them. He's been writing the website for the last couple of years and he posts a new badass every Friday (last week's badass was The Kraken!). If you have a few minutes to kill, I definitely recommend visiting...his use of the phrase "face melting" and "asskickery" is beyond description!

I can't believe Christmas is next week. As you all know, I loathe, detest and hate the Holidays. They just make me sad and stressed out and angry, so I'm not looking forward to having to go out on Friday to buy presents. Compound the three previous emotions and the eventual disappointment concerning the aforementioned gifts and it makes a potent combination! I'm not kidding when I say if I could cancel the Holidays I would, and before you get all uppity and say things like "but what about Gavin, doesn't he deserve to have a Christmas filled with frivolity and love and puppies," I will answer with this--isn't it better that he have a mother that doesn't want to stab someone?....go ahead....think it over...yeah...that's what I thought.

Yeah, Kevin. You and Carolyn always kinda struck me as the couple that would kiss each other's faces without any regard for the inevitable teenage puking sounds...I admire that about you!

Tiptoe through the tulips...only not as creepy...

2009-12-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've taken to crocheting again. I find it soothing to just sit on the couch and crochet. It's rather mindless work and yet, by the end of So You Think You Can Dance I was finished with 1/3 of a scarf for Hans. She spent $12 on the yarn. I gently pointed out to her that she could have bought a really nice set of hat, scarf & gloves at the Target for the same amount. Without missing a beat she said, "But it wouldn't be made with love." I still don't think my love is worth $12!

After hearing a segment on CBC radio about ukuleles, I decided that I was going to learn to play one. I knew that I would have to wait until classes were finished, because if I had it in the house I knew that I wouldn't focus on my school work and would instead spend endless hours learning to play Bon Jovi songs on my ukulele. So, the other night, with classes completed, I ordered my ukulele. Then I got a email saying it was back-ordered (which, by the way, if I had known I wouldn't have ordered that one, obviously) and now I can't get anybody from Musician's Friend to write or call me back. All I want to know is when I'll be getting the damn thing and to make things worse, the "How to get hours of joy and impress your friends and strangers by playing this awesome wee-guitar" book that I ordered at the same time is set to get here next week. Talk about depressing.

Gavin wrote a letter for Santa at school this week. It went like this:
Dear Santa,

How are you? May I have a Transformer and a Bionicle too? I love Christmas, do you love it too?

First off, I appreciate how he inquires after Santa and how he's doing! The second best feature is the fact that my kid used the phrase "May I"!! What 7 year old says "May I"?!!

Kevin, I'm a little jealous about your procuring of the book for a dollar...it does seem like a excellent way to buy books, but I have an issue with "used" books....I always have, even in college, I always bought all my books new....it gave me the heebs to have a book that I knew a stranger had put their germs all over...it's the same reason I can't read books from the library...it makes me uncomfortable! You can call me a weirdo, but I prefer quirky! And congratulations on being 1/2 of an empty-nest couple. Please tell me that you and Carolyn make out all the time because there's nobody to harsh on your mellow now!

Never Apologize

2009-12-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!

As you can see from my previous post it's been over 2 months since my last blog entry! It seems like a lifetime and a blink of an eye since the last time I wrote. I've actually had loads to say and lots of things to talk about with all of you, but at the end of the day I just didn't ever do it! So, I thought maybe I'd try and catch up, as it were and update, update, update!

I am officially finished with classes for the semester. My Elementary Microbiology class was unbelievably interesting and fascinating and disgusting all at the same time. I learned an obscene amount of information and am now able to do gram stains and wet mounts (stop giggling Briskey) and acid-fast tests and tell you the causative agent of bacillary dysentery and all about anthrax (don't mess with it folks, that shit is scary AND naturally occurring) and I cross my fingers that my memory B cells and T helper cells still continue to kick antigen ass! My nutrition class was pretty interesting too. I learned more than I ever thought I'd need to know about Iron and all about calcium absorption, amongst several other little factoids. I am happy that classes are over, though. There's a sense of being able to really breathe when you take your last final and can read for fun again!

Speaking of reading for fun, I'm currently reading Julia Child's memoir My Life in France, and I'm in love with Julia Child!! She didn't marry until she was 34 and she was 37 before she found out what she wanted to do with her life! 37!! And she's got spunk and moxie and I like ladies who have spunk and moxie! Perhaps I need to go and spend 4 years in France...I'm pretty sure my 2 years of high school French would be sufficient enough....mais oui!

Oh, Kevin, I have a book recommendation for you. I don't know if you've read it already, but definitely look into The Great Railway Bazaar by Paul Theroux. I've just barely started it (like a few chapters in), but I'm already kind-of in love with it! There's just something about his writing style that makes me wish I could see the world the way a writer does....they find the beauty and art in a simple glass of tea...it would be very interesting to see the world that way....

No Woman No Cry

2009-10-10T20:05:00.001-07:00

It's 10 o'clock on a Saturday. What else is there to do but listen to some Bob Marley and write a blog?!

We've had a lot of excitement around the Rockne household these past few weeks, allow me to give you the highlights....a delightful Cliff's Notes version if you will...

My dad was on tv during the Notre Dame game half-time last week. They were dedicating a sculpture of my great-grandfather at the stadium and my dad was there for the unveiling. I missed the appearance, as I was studying for a Microbiology test. I have been assured that my brother has it recorded on his DVR, so my father's moment of famous glorious will be available for my viewing at a later date.

Gavin had parent teacher conference. He and I went for a visit with his teacher, Mrs. Cobabe. Yes. Her name really is Cobabe. She's probably about 25, 26 and it must be very strange to be talking to parents that are a good 5-10 years older than she is. Gavin is doing exceptionally well and reading like a madman. He's onto chapter books and is a good little reader. We're currently in the process of reading Inkheart....so far it's quite good and Mortimer is about to meet up with Capricorn...very exciting stuff.

We had to have our air ducts cleaned this week. Autumn has arrived in Cache Valley, bringing the cool weather and beautiful Fall colors with it. When I went to turn on the heat for the first time last week, a less than pleasant odor started emanating from the vents. My mom deduced that the smell was probably Gavin's pet hamster, Sprinkles, who had escaped from his cage a few months ago. I thought he had found his way outside, after the neighborhood kids had left the sliding glass door open all afternoon, and was living a free and happy life in an obliging field. It appears that he probably fell down my mother's vent (which was vent cover-less) and couldn't get back out and died. The kind technicians with ARS gave us the option of inspecting the garbage to see if Sprinkles' remains was amongst the debris. We politely declined. We are not telling Gavin. I think it's probably better that he picture Sprinkles running through a field of clover with the wind in his hair!

Gavin and I went on a date last night! The Tap Dogs were playing at the theatre, and Keri said that Gavin would probably enjoy it, so I used my staff perk of free tickets and went to the show. We sat on the first row and we had a pretty good time. Gavin only got restless a few times, which is quite an accomplishment. It made me miss Maggi's classes and learning how to tap without actually wearing tap shoes! I made a promise with myself, that when things mellow out and I have a little more expendable income, I'm going to go back to dance classes. How great would it be to be a dancin' granny?!

I bought my pre-advance tickets for New Moon yesterday morning!! Go ahead and mock and shake your head and think I'm lame. I don't care. Those books (and the subsequent movies) bring a little bit of joy to my life, so if you're going to begrudge me that, then maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore!! Annette, there is still time for me to buy you one and then you can stick around and have American Thanksgiving with me....think about it....pinatas!!

I'm trying to think of a way to cancel the Holidays. All they do is make me sad and stressed and frustrated....isn't the whole point of the Holidays to bring families together and make you remember how much you love everyone. It just makes me want to stab. Maybe I should become a Seventh Day Adventist. They don't believe in holidays. They don't believe in dancing either, come to think of it, but giving up shaking my ass in time to music would be worth it to me, that's how much I dislike the Holidays....seriously....I'm not kidding....

Chrizzie, I'm sorry to hear about the computer. I have heard that Apple is pretty great about replacing the music if you've downloaded it from itunes....it doesn't make up for the hit to the wallet that it took to replace the hard drive, but it could be the silver lining on that cloud!

And Floodikins, I agree with you completely about Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

I shall leave you with an actual quote from my kid. Just so you don't get confused--"frogging" is Gavin's way of saying "farting.":
"Mom. One time I burped and it smelled so bad it was like I frogged in my mouth!"
I proceeded to laugh so hard that I nearly peed in my pants....

Nutella on toast....cut up into two, please!

2009-09-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

Let me recreate the conversation I had with my son this morning, as I was making him nutella on toast.

Gavin: Mom. There's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Me: Ok. Go ahead.
Gavin: I want you to know that I love you for you. Not for how pretty you are or how funny you are or how smart you are, I love you just for you. I've wanted to tell you that for three days.
Me: **blink blink** Wow. Thank you!

I mean, what do you say to that?! It's without a doubt, one of the nicest things a boy has ever said to me and it came out of the mouth of my 6 year old son! I then told him that I loved him just for him too, but that he got the extra points because he had said it first!

These are the kinds of moments that make parenthood a little sweeter and that maybe, just maybe, I'm not effing the kid up as much as I think I am!

...anyone and anything at all that's loved by you

2009-09-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that the funk has lifted and I am feeling better. I don't like feeling blue, so I'm glad that it's gone. Thanks for the suggestion Quentie, but I think I'll keep my liver vodka-free, I know what it looks like cirrhosis-ized and besides, just the fumes from vodka makes my nose bleed!

I came to the realization the other day that I'm getting "old person" elbows. Do they do botox for elbows?

Thanks for the lovely advice the other day, Annette. Although, I must admit I was slightly distracted by the fact that his name was Ned! Ned? Seriously?!!

I went grocery shopping today (I had run out of 100 calorie pack Pringles and Oscar Meyer deli luncheon meats) and as I was walking my basket to the car I passed a truck that had a sticker on the back window. It read: Happiness Is ___________. The part actually telling me what happiness is was rubbed away, but it instantly reminded me of the song from Good Man Charlie Brown about happiness being two kinds of ice cream and climbing a tree. Then that got me thinking about what I thought happiness is....I spent the better part of the afternoon compiling my list, it is as follows:

Happiness Is....

The first perfect red apple of the season.
Listening to my son read.
Breaking the spine on a new book.
Friends who tell me I'm beautiful and funny and smart, even though I know they're only saying it because they're my friends.
Television.
My raspberry beret.
Pop Music.
Car dancing to aforementioned pop music.
Waking up some place that isn't home.
Road Trips.
Putting my belt on the second notch.
Listening to my son sing when he thinks no one is around.
Learning something new.
Knowing I made a difference.
Hans' Macaroni & Cheese.
Snapple Peach Ice Tea.
Croutons.
Laughing so much my cheeks and stomach hurt.
Sitting in comfortable silence.
Spooning.
Hooooot Choocoolate!
Days off.
Not burning dinner!
Washing my face and taking out my contacts at the end of a long day.
Seeing my friends have successes in their lives.
The feeling of just flossed teeth.
Knowing that regardless of what happened today, tomorrow is new and full of possibilities.

Those are just some of them....there are more....but I thought 250+ Happiness Is would get tedious to you, my gentle readers and friends! So. It's your turn....I'd love you hear what you think happiness is!

Why don't I have a cool nickname like Bootsy?!!!

2009-09-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

It's approaching midnight (when I started writing anyway). I have a case of the can't-sleeps and I've been feeling emotional and pensive for the last couple of days. The combination of the three is NOT a good thing. I've been feeling in a "funk" the last couple of days and not of the George Clinton variety....do you see what I did there....it was a play on funk in the capacity of George Clinton and that he is a "funk" musical artist....I suppose it takes away the cleverness when I point it out and then explain it....moving on....anyway, as I was saying, I've been feeling a sinking malaise the last couple of days and I'm finding it difficult to pull myself out of it. I'm not even completely sure why I'm feeling this way....work is fine, school is going well, the kid is the same as he ever is...although, I tried to teach him to ride his bike without the training wheels on Monday and he was having none of it! He started crying like I was beating him while we were in the front yard and then told me he'd like to stop because he was afraid of being "crumpled" and that he wanted to wait until he was older to learn to ride his bike without the training wheels....I figure when he's ready to learn he'll let me know....but for the life of me I've been feeling wah-wah....I think it probably has to do with the fact that I haven't worked out for a week and I miss the endorphins....that, or I'm moving on the fast path to becoming Miss Havisham!

I read a story of a 79 year old granny who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, but instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for herself, she made herself a "Bucket List" and is kicking Life in the ass...she just finished skydiving. As inspiration, I have decided that I need to make a Bucket List and start checking things off, because, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger and life isn't about living forever, it's about who you meet and the adventures you have! I will NOT be adding skydiving to my list, however, that shit is crazy!

I would just like to take a moment and write a few open letters, if I may, and I can, because it's my blog:

Dear Girls of Utah State--If you stand up and more than an inch and a half of your tummy hangs over the top of your pants, please just buy a bigger size. Don't be shy. Trust me, you'll look thinner and therefore more attractive to the gentlemens...but don't look TOO thin, I read an article the other day about how men view women with "a little meat on their bones" as being friendlier and more attractive.

Also

Dear Extremely White Guy Who Runs Past Me On Campus Everyday As I'm Walking Back To My Car--Please put your shirt back on. It's not THAT hot and your sweaty pectorals unnerve me.

Also

Dear Girl Who Sits Next To Me And Audibly Sighs EVERY 5 Seconds and Then Talks To Her Friend--Listen sweetheart, if this is so boring, and everything Andy is saying is so tedious, LEAVE. You're just angering me, well, you and the dude who keeps kicking my chair and the girl who keeps clicking the top of her pen. Seriously. I realize this information might not be new to you, but the last time I learned about the Golgi Apparatus was like 12 years ago, I'm a little rusty, so shut the hell up or move it along.

Also

Can anybody help me remember how to do fractions?! I had to determine multiple servings for a Nutrition assignment and couldn't remember how it all worked!! Annette has already graciously agreed to teach me metric conversions...by the way, WHY in the world are we still teaching our kids inches and cups?!! I shouldn't, as a grown-up, have to ask my Canadian friend how many mL are in a cup....I feel like my Elementary and Middle School education was sorely lacking in helping me be competitive in the world of maths and sciences!

I'm an eukaryote.

2009-08-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

School started this week for the kid and myself. He was VERY excited to finally start, although he's a little disappointed in the fact that he only has ONE recess. I had my first Microbiology lab on Monday. I looked at bacteria and amoebas under a microscope--it was actually a lot of fun and I signed up to do a report of Fifth Disease! I learned today in class that smallpox has been eradicated in modern society and as a result if terrorist were ever able to get their hands on a strain of smallpox (stealing it from one of the 2 labs that have it) for chemical warfare, they could fundamentally kill the entire world population--minus those people who are members of the military and have been inoculated. I'm pretty sure that this class is going to turn me into Howard Hughes. Dearest A will you be kind enough to leave me bottles of milk and sandwiches outside my door?!

Kevin, bear with me, this will go somewhere. I don't know if you're familiar with a movie called Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. It stars a young Sarah Jessica Parker as a girl who just wants to dance and her military yes sir no sir father won't let her, eventually he sees that she was born to dance and no longer has a problem with her reaching for her dream. Anyway, there is a part in that movie where SJP and her friend (an even younger Helen Hunt) make copies of a debutante party invitation and give it out to all the unsavories (lady muscle builders *HORROR*) and they all crash and zaniness ensues! When I read your comment, I thought about how YOU were the unsavory!! Also, I'd like an update on the department, too!

Lillith--I didn't get a chance to tell you how cute you and your bump are! I hope he's being kind to you. And congrats on not having to clean up the poo!

Briskey--I know this is late, but I happen to LOVE and ADORE Tim Gunn. He is NOT creepy. And if he weren't gay I would happily marry him. Although, come to think of it, if he weren't gay he'd probably be an ass, so....

Quentie!! I'm glad that you've found me! My mom asked what you were up to the other day. I told her that you were probably harassing Just Jan and wearing womens shoes!

Oh! And is there any polite way to offer a mint to the dude sitting behind you in class who every time he exhales he sends a toxic cloud of awful breath into my nostrils?

A long overdue update!! For you Briskey!!

2009-08-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

According to Ann-ette's "Blogs I Read" list, I haven't updated my blog for 3 weeks!! That's a long time! A lot has actually happened in those last 3 weeks! Allow me to share a few of the events:

1. My brother and his lovely wife had a little baby boy on the 28th of July. I met him this weekend. He's adorable and tiny and the most mellow baby ever! I was worried that when I held him that I would get the baby pang and start to want to have another one. I am happy to report that did NOT happen and my "no more babies" stance is still holding strong.

2. I finished with my Human Anatomy class on the 31st of July. I ended up getting a 'B'! I was ecstatic about it and Megs congratulated me on surviving the class and doing well by buying me a Funnel Cake Making Kit! I actually REALLY enjoyed the class and I learned an obscene amount of information. My next classes are Microbiology and Nutrition. So now not only will I be afraid to leave the house because of the germs I'll be learning about, I'll also be afraid to eat anything because of the calories!!

3. Gavin is getting so big. He starts 1st grade in a couple of weeks and he has friends and is doing more and more for himself. It's surreal to realize that he's nearly 7. I don't feel any older, but the wrinkles on my forehead beg to differ!!

3a. I had my first real "boy" experience with my son this weekend. We were driving to Salt Lake to visit and he informed me that he had to pee. As we were in the middle of Sardine Canyon and there were no obvious bathrooms and he was REALLY starting to the do the pee-pee dance, I pulled over to the side of the road and he peed in a bush!! I now realize that I have crossed a threshold with Gavin and he is now officially more boy than baby.

4. I have decided that if I knew that broken hearts took this long to heal, I would have avoided the whole situation to begin with!!

5. Briskey--Megs and I have decided that your blog is the highlight of our sad, sad existence. We especially enjoy your severe dislike of Cruz Beckham and Kristen Stewart. And your trying to remember what the African country Namibia was today killed me!! I miss you. Can we please bring back our weekly post-mortems of ANTM?

6. Chrizzie--I LOVE the new hair! I always thought you looked so sassy with the short hair!

7. Ann-ette--I've decided that you and I should write a pamphlet on what to do when you survive Nuclear Winter. I think step one should be "Don't Panic," followed by step two "Don't eat douchebags" I think it would be a valuable public service.

8. Sister--I'm so proud of you! Keep doing what you're doing and you'll get there before you know it!!

9. Kevin--I know this is random and totally a different medium, but your profile picture on Facebook is priceless!! Please tell me you were a maitre'd in a restaurant and they made you wear the monkey suit!!

Fit and Trim

2009-07-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Wednesday. Wednesday tends to be a good day, for several reasons.

1. It's the middle of the week. Which means the weekend, and spending the entirety of it in my pajamas, is only 2 days away.

2. It's Midweek Madness on Jezebel. A recap of all the weekly tabloids without actually having to buy any of them....I mean, who has $3 to spend on the magazine that says Kristen Stewart is pregnant with Rob Pattinson's baby?!

3. It's the one day of the week that I don't make myself do homework. I give myself Wednesdays off, or I'll get anatomy burn-out.

4. It's So You Think You Can Dance night!!! Oh friends. I simply adore this show. Although I'm not as attached to the dancers this season as I was to last season(Joshua! Katie! Twitch! Gev!), I still get nerdily excited to see what everybody is going to dance. I developed a bit of a dance crush on Jason after this evening's performances. He kinda came out of no where for me. Maybe it's because I wasn't terribly fond of Caitlin and would often glaze over when they would dance as partners for the first few weeks. It will be interesting to see who gets the axe tomorrow.

Oh, while I'm talking about tv....so there's a new show coming to Fox called "More to Love." I keep seeing the commercials for it during SYTYCD. Essentially it's The Bachelor for fatties. Yep. A collection of overweight women are competing to win the love of one portly gentleman. Now. Usually I would be very "hooray" about something like this....I think it's time that society realizes that women are all shapes and sizes and non-size 2s deserve a chance at happiness and love. However, this show doesn't seem like that at all. The commercial is one fat girl after another crying about how being fat has kept them from finding love. I don't like it. I don't like the exploitation of insecure women. I suppose I should watch the first episode before I pass judgment, but having to watch women throw themselves at a man makes me angry, uncomfortable and did I mention angry. Ladies, what's so wrong with being single? I know sometimes it can get lonely, but really, is your self-respect and dignity worth it?

Oh, and Annette & Briskey....so I was sitting in class and I looked over to my left and there, sitting down a row and a few seats over from me was Cute Tall Heather!! It could have been someone else, I kinda panicked and didn't look at her again to really see, but I was pretty sure it was her. From what I could see, she was still Cute and Tall, which made me instantly catty and insecure. You know. There are just people who are able to do that and she was always that person for me. But then I remember that she wouldn't watch Waiting for Guffman because it had an 'R' rating and just sat in Floodikins kitchen, while we all watched it and I didn't feel quite so lame! I know. That's a catty statement, but who does that?!!

A couple of the sounds that I really like are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike.

2009-06-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, Lillith, but snow boarding is only slightly better for your joints, but far worse for the prospect of fracturing your coccyx or femur. Ouch either way! Also, congratulations on making it to the 2nd trimester. I hope it treats you better than the 1st!

And Shannon....Brian's Shannon! I remember you! And you were delightful, just as Annette said! And Briskey, be nice!

Also, Briskey, just for the record, it is NOT fair to hold a Daisy Dukes party. Boys always seem to have prettier legs than girls AND they don't have pesky cellulite....there's nothing more depressing than to be jealous of your gay friend's legs!

I put a new playlist on my iPod last night. I know it's lame to say, but I love new playlists, especially when I put it on Shuffle and I'm like, "what's gonna play next?!" Every new song is like a little Christmas surprise!

Oh. One last thing. What would you think if a guy told you his favorite movie is The Notebook? Please give your opinions in the comments, I'd like to see if my thoughts about this tid-bit are "normal" amongst my blog readers!!

Many People See Zebras Falling Like Elephants

2009-06-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

I had my second Human Anatomy exam today. I wore my Sparkly pink barrette of Mystical Test Taking Powers and put a polite request into the wax baby jesus, so we'll see how things went. I try to remind myself that the point isn't the grade of the class, but the information I'm learning. Ok. So I can't remember the name of the ritual performed by the ancient Incans to remove the human heart in a quick and timely fashion (that was an actual question on the test this morning), but I know that the mandible is made up of the body, rami, angle, mandibular & mental foramen, mandibular condyle, mandibular notch and coronoid process (which is a site of attachment for your masseter muscle)....I know that the mandibular condyle articulates with the mandibular fossa on the inferior portion of the temporal bone and makes up the temporomandibular joint which is actually 2 synovial diarthrotic joints (this is part of the reason that some people, mostly women, have problems with their TMJ) and is a 3rd class lever system. It's not the grade that matters, it's the information that I'm learning and I'm learning A LOT!

I've started to work out again. It's been about 9 months since I've "worked out" (other than walking to work) and I realized that I missed the routine of going and spending an hour listening to Britney and sweating out the stress on the elliptical. I've also learned from my anatomy class, that as a woman, one of the best ways to keep my bones strong and healthy and keep osteoporosis and broken hips (which is actually a misnomer, because you don't break your hip, you break the neck of your femur...) at bay is to participate in moderate exercise. I've also learned that running and skiing are just the about the worst thing you can do to your joints and I intend to spend the remainder of my life avoiding an unhappy triad!!

Welcome mystery non-psycho blog reader! I really hope that I was nice to you while we had classes together at USU....I went through a stage of being slightly self-absorbed and I really hope I wasn't rude! I tried to look on YOUR blog for a clue about your identity, but I couldn't find one....on a side note, I TOTALLY agree with you about the acrylic nails!

Do these pants make my ass look fat?!!

2009-06-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

A little story:

Gavin had reached the point where he was starting to smell like a puppy. As a mother it's my job to get him into the shower and as a kid it's his job to stall actually having to get wet. I'm not sure why this is. I mean, it can't feel good to be that dingy and stinky, but it's like a small defeat every time he has to scrub off that layer of grim. After about 10 minutes of trying to get him into the shower and he was trying to stall...I warned him that I was about to get angry...he quickly started telling me that I was the prettiest girl in the world and the best girl in the whole world and he wouldn't trade me for anything, etc. etc. etc. We then had this conversation.

Me: I think you're saying all those things to placate me.
Him: Well, the prettiest girl one, yes, the best girl one, no.
Me: So you were lying to me when you said I was the prettiest girl?
Him: You're the half-prettiest.
Me: Wait. What does even mean? "Half-prettiest"?!
Him: (Holding his arms out as a measurement tool for measuring prettiness) This is prettiness and you're half.
Me: Ok. So what is it about me that makes me only the half-prettiest.
Him: Things. But I'm not going to tell you.

I must admit it hurt my feelings for a moment--every mom wants their son to think they're the prettiest girl, but then I just laughed and realized that my son, at six, had already learned the valuable lesson of lying to a woman....

I'm never eating beef jerky again....

2009-06-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

I survived my first Lab Exam. I think I did ok. I bought myself a pink glittery barrette and decided to imbue it with mystical testing taking skills, so I wore it today. Hopefully, all the imbuing did it's job and I did well!

I also survived my first experience with the cadavers today. We're learning the muscles, so there were two skinned bodies for us to study. One for the posterior side (the back of your body) and one for the anterior side (the front side of your body). Them being skinned helped me a little, as I didn't actually see the person's face, just the muscles underneath. So far my favorite muscle has to be the buccinator...it's the muscle that controls the ability for a trumpet player to play his trumpet. Eventually, I'll need to be able to name the major muscles, where they originate, where they attach on the body and their "job"....I'm pretty sure I'm going to either kick some muscle ass or have a muscle-induced nervous breakdown!

After attending the funeral of our House Manager (she was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer in February) yesterday, I have decided that I am ANTI-funerals. They just seem so cruel and unnecessary. I realize the whole purpose is to provide closure for those left behind, but I fail to see the appeal in making the children, who have just lost their mother, and the husband, who has just lost the love of his life, get up and talk about how great she was. Everybody who knew her knew she was a great woman! Besides, I'm too empathetic....as soon as I see someone crying, I'm gone and I don't particularly like making the ugly cry face in a room full of partial strangers.

I shouldn't like Tori Spelling & Dean McDermott as much as I do. I feel partially guilty about it. I mean, they're just so cute together and you see them and see how in love they are with each other and how "perfect" they seem to fit together....and then you remember that they were both married when they met and that they cheated on their respective spouses to be together....but that doesn't seem to matter because they're just so damn cute together. See. Guilt.

A Few Things....

2009-06-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

1. When your child is old enough to walk without it taking hours to get from one place to the other, it's time to put the stroller away. I saw a mom pushing her 8 year old in a stroller at Summerfest today.

2. Why does it always seem like the people who should stop talking (i.e. people dumber than boxes of hair) are never the ones who stop talking? It makes me want to stab things in my eyeball.

3. June is nearly over. We've had maybe 5 days of sunshine so far. I'm totally ok with this. I hate the heat.

4. No, Brian, it wasn't a penis. If it had been, I would've sent you a picture from my camera phone with a totally inappropriate message.

5. Congratulations on the success of your play, Annette. I'm waiting patiently for your theatrical adaptation of the Greg & Danny Show!

6. I think I have test anxiety. I go to take the test and I start to itch and get all blotchy and then I get amnesia and I can't remember anything. Then, as soon as I turn in my test and leave the room, I can remember EVERYTHING. It's very frustrating.

7. Taking my anatomy class is making me scared to leave the house! There are so many really awful things that can happen to you. I don't want an acromioclavicular separation!!

Your endochondral ossification is showing.....

2009-06-15T20:22:00.000-07:00

So I've successfully navigated my first week in my Human Anatomy class. We had our first test today on Intro to anatomy, the integumentary system and bone & connective tissues...did I mention that I've only been in class for a week?! I think I did alright, not stupendous, but not horrible either....luckily, I can drop my lowest test score and now I know what to expect from the tests....and knowledge, as they say, is power...

I'm actually enjoying the class and Dr. Anderson, my professor is a pretty cool cat. Within the first hour of lecture on the first day of class he showed us several pictures of himself when he was younger (the moustaches were awesome!) a picture of Raquel Welch (so that we would have a point of reference when she showed up in the story problems on our exams--this made me feel old as I realized that there were fellow baby-students who really had now idea who she was), a picture of Kate Beckinsale in Underworld, two gunshot wounds and a man who was stabbed in his thoracic cavity with a kitchen knife!

I also survived my first anatomy lab which involved hanging out in the cadaver lab. We haven't had to view the actual bodies yet, but we did have to sit around with them on their tables in their body bags....I think they're trying to acclimatize us to the idea of being around the bodies. Above each bodies is a whiteboard that contains their name, the date they died, how old they were, the cause of death and their occupation at the time of death. I hung out with Isabella, an 87 year old homemaker who died of natural causes, as I learned about the axial skeleton. I'm not creeped out by the bodies...I'm more fascinated than heebed, but I know I'm going to have a hard time separating the person from the body....I just can't seem to make not myself think about the family they left behind and the fact that they woke up one morning, ate some cereal, kissed their wife, went off to work and then had a heart attack....I feel like a voyeur. Annette's Mike gave me the excellent piece of advice to focus on only what I need to learn from the lesson. Hans then told me I should pretend they're all hobos. I'm thinking maybe I'll take a combination of both approaches to not end up barfing!

So, a story for you all. As I was sitting, learning the bones of the skull & vertebrae, I glanced up from my notes and saw a clear plastic bin filled with liquid sitting on one of the cadaver tables. And floating in that liquid was a pair of blue eyes STARING AT ME! I realized then that I should get used to seeing odd things floating in liquids. I'm not even going to tell you what was in the bin next to it!!

Know when to walk away. Know when to run.

2009-06-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

Gavin is officially on Summer Vacation! He had his final assessment on Monday and he's still a smarty. I'm hoping that he survives the summer without my mother locking him in a closet...he's already bored and it's only been a week!

The named the Top 20 for So You Think You Can Dance. I'm a little saddened that they didn't let both of the Krazinski/Kawasaki/Crastaphari brothers on the show. I think they both deserved the chance....I mean, they have 2 b-boys on the show this year and a handful of contemporary dancers, too, so why not make room for two Gene Kellys! I am very excited to see how they do next week....I'm thinking Tony is going to be in a little over his head and will spend a great deal of time crying in the men's toilet...

I made an appointment to get my hair cut on Saturday. It's time for a change. I just feel like I'm not the same person I was and this curtain of strawberry blond hair has gotta go. I'll probably sob when she cuts it, but it's time.

Lillith, they'll continue to look a little blobby until they don't...then they'll be able to do that whole creepy 3-D thing and your baby will look like a used car salesman. And good luck with the move!

And Katie...I knew it was you! Welcome to my blog!

And Briskey...I hope you have the best time in Florida!!

You gotta know when to fold 'em...

2009-05-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

Gavin lost his first tooth this weekend! He was unaware that he had lost it until Hans pointed it out to him. We never actually found the tooth. We're not entirely sure where it is, but all signs point to him having swallowed it...whoops! The Tooth Fairy brought him two dollars, irregardless! He was ecstatic. TWO WHOLE DOLLARS!! I, of course, started sobbing when I realized that the kid is growing up and there is nothing I can do to stop it! I hate to admit it, but I have a sinking suspicion that I'm going to be doing that a lot in the future...

I took my final for my Medical Terminology course yesterday. I did pretty well. It was a relief to know that this 30 year-old brain still works and hasn't been turned into some sort of goop after pregnancy, 6 years of motherhood and 6 years of still not sleeping through the night! Now it's on to Human Anatomy & Human Physiology this summer. Gulp!

I am pleased by the return of one of my favorite shows of all time--So You Think You Can Dance!! Right now it's just in the audition phase and I don't have any particular favorites, but the joy this show brings to my life is absolute bliss! I can't wait until Mia Michaels shows up!

And Lisa, welcome to my blog!! And I know EXACTLY what you mean by being a blog-stalker...when I would get bored I used to just random search blogspot to read stranger's blogs...it's kinda amazing the things people will write about themselves...I once stumbled upon one where a conservative Christian woman was writing about how she wasn't in love with her husband anymore, but that she was trying to save her marriage by having sex with the aforementioned husband for 60 days straight and was going to record the day to day processes of trying to fall back in love with her husband. Of course, I can't remember the name of the blog now, so I have no idea if Sexy Boom Boom Time for 2 months saved the marriage or not...sigh...

I read an article the other day that after documenting and studying 66,000 births that men are the weaker sex. Not strength wise, but in general life they're weaker. Men have shorter life spans and are less resistant to stress and infection, making us ladies the winners! So, Double XXs, I tip my lady hat to you...now, would somebody open this jar for me?!!

Binary Solo

2009-05-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

After much thought and consideration I have decided to go back to school and get my Practical Nursing degree (it's not an RN degree...I don't quite have the time to dedicate to that yet, but that's ultimately where I'm heading). I realized that I was the happiest when I was taking care of my ailing grandpa and that life is too short to not do what makes me happy. Right now I'm just doing the pre-requisites for the program, which will take me until Spring '10, since I'm doing all of them online, independent study, night courses and still working full time. I'll apply for the program this time next year and will hopefully be accepted to the program and begin it in the Fall of 2010. It seems like a very long journey to even get to the program, but it's what I want to do and I'm ready to do it. I already feel like I've wasted years of my life working to 'pay the bills' and I don't want to do that anymore. I figured I should probably explain why I won't be blogging much, as I have the sinking suspicion that all my free time is going to be filled with Human Anatomy and learning about gram-stain resistant diplococci.

I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell, Lillith. I was extremely lucky and beyond the first few weeks of pregnancy, I didn't have any morning sickness with Gavin. I would recommend drinking Coke Slurpees....there's something in the Coke syrup that is supposed to help with hurty tummies and the slush factor of a slurpee can instantly make anyone feel better...unless of course sweet things make you want to barf...in that case, I would recommend NOT actually trying it!! But take heart, I read an article that found a correlation between bad morning sickness and a higher intelligence in the birthed child...so, you might just be carrying the next Albert Einstein! And don't make deals with the Pregnancy Fates. They NEVER keep up their end of the bargain!

Gavin and I were watching Best Week Ever on VH1 yesterday and a commercial for Daisy of Love came on...for those of you who don't know, Daisy of Love is a reality tv show where men compete for the affections of Daisy de la Hoya, a rejected suitor from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. She's fake tits and fake hair and fake tan and not exactly classy. Anyway, when the commercial came on I turned to Gavin and told him that he was not to date any skanky girls and that he needed to date someone who had a brain and had opinions and was smart and funny. He then turned to me and said, "a girl like you." I nearly cried. That was the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me and it came out of the mouth of a six year old!

Like a greased pig...

2009-05-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

Gavin & I went the demolition derby this weekend. It. Was. AWE-SOME! They had a band that played all the rocking-est Classic rock tunes (Sweet Home Alabama, anyone?!) and the cars were ridiculous. It was as white trash as you could get (they had a greased pig contest for heaven's sakes), but he and I had the best time and he spent yesterday playing “derby” with his hot wheels…well, when he wasn’t pretending to be a dog.

A friend’s father was killed last week. It was a freak accident and completely unexpected. By all accounts he was a kind man who loved the church, his wife and his family. I was thinking about his wife as I was walking to work this morning. I was wondering how does someone ever recover from that—losing your husband? How do you wake up in the morning and go about your day knowing that the bed is going to be empty and the dirty socks aren’t going to be on the bathroom floor and you’re cooking for one now? How do you fight against the darkness that could any moment suck you in and never let you back out again? And even more, how do you get out once it does?

For Mother’s Day, my son gave me a picture he drew at school. The picture was of me and on the backside it had a little list of reasons I’m great. I think my favorite was the last line that said “I don’t know why I love her, I just do.” It’s funny, but that kinda encapsulates the way I feel about him, too. I think that is the only explanation you can give when you truly love someone…you don’t know why…in fact, there might be a few things that drive you crazy about them, but it doesn’t matter, because you just do.

Thanks for the advice Briskey. And I promise to call you sometime when I don’t have a problem!

Congratulations on the play, Ann-ette! That is VERY exciting. I’m very proud of you. I wish I could come and see it. But why such a serious topic?! Couldn’t you write a sweet, light play about two friends who eat too much bow-tie pasta…you could call it the Greg & Danny Show!

A poker right up my nasal cavity should do it.

2009-05-05T16:16:00.001-07:00

Ya know what I would love? I would love to be able to go an entire day without constantly being reminded of Scott! I can't escape! It's like he's everywhere! Just in reading some online articles, and all within the space of 15 minutes, I was confronted with Iron Maiden (his favorite band), The Shawshank Redemption (his favorite movie), and Dexter (his favorite tv show)!! It's like the Universe is trying to fuck with me!! I'm desperately trying to move on, to not cry about him and it's fucking IMPOSSIBLE!!! He's out of my life and beyond that, he's on the other side of the country and over a friendly border and he's still around!!! I'm inches away from lobotomizing myself...sure, I'd be Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest...but at least I wouldn't have to feel like a 14-year old girl all the fucking time!! I HATE THIS FEELING. BAH.

The Distant Future. The Year 2000.

2009-05-02T18:34:00.000-07:00

I was commanded by Sister to write a new blog, so here it is....I cannot guarantee that it will be exciting or worth-reading...boy, I sure just encouraged you to want to continue reading didn't I?!

First let me begin by congratulating Annette and Mike on the arrival of their little one. I am VERY happy that he finally made an appearance, because frankly, I was starting to worry about poor Annette's mental state. I'd also like it noted that I not only picked the correct gender for said baby, but I also picked the correct date of his birth. That's right, losers, I was awesome and you were ALL lame. See. This is what happens when you Google "which day of the week are most babies born on" and you pick that day. There's nothing Google can't do. I'm convinced that Google is close to creating the cure for cancer, ending the violence in Darfur AND eventually world peace....that's a lot for a search engine, but I have faith.

Speaking of faith, I've been asking the Wax Baby Jesus for a few things--the WBJ is this little cast iron figurine I picked up when I was in Prague last spring...sigh....and whenever I need a little help from the Universe I ask him for things. Anyway, he didn't let me down and I'm feeling happier and more at ease than I have in the last few months. Things are brighter and sunnier...just the way I like them....it's like a Bob Marley song really. I believe he may also take requests, so if anybody needs anything, I'd be happy to pass the request on to the WBJ.

I can't believe that it's May already. 2009 seems to be moving at a break-neck speed. I know I can't be the only one that feels that way. Although, I'm ready for some warmer weather....NOT the 900 degrees I know it's about to become, because Spring does not exist in Logan anymore...but a sunny 70 degrees would be lovely.

I still can't stop eating Cinnamon Toast Eggos and drinking Peach Iced Tea...only Snapple has discontinued their PIT, so now I've moved onto Lipton. I don't know why, but I can't help myself. It's like food crack to me!

Well, friends, I'm going to go. Gavin and I are about to play a game where I chase him around the house until I eventually end up being the "rotten egg" and then he gloats about being the winner and I get aggravated and tell him I'm not going to play with him anymore if he's going to be like that and then he cries because I've somehow hurt his feelings. So, really, just a typical night at our house! Lillith and Annette, look what you have to look forward to!!

Four More...

2009-04-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

First--Annette, I REALLY hope that Alien Fetus Baby has made an appearance and that is the reason why you're incommunicado and NOT because you've had some sort of pre-birth psychotic break and you're lying in a darkened room listening to The Smiths and eating Totino's Pizzas.

Second--Congratulations, Lillith!!! I'm so happy for you! I'm always happy to welcome another poor sap into the motherhood club. You poor thing...you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into...and willingly!! Also, I don't think you should name them Edward or Bella. I think you must embrace the Mormon tradition so beautifully captured in Breaking Dawn and combine the names of your loved ones to come up with new "names"....for example, you could combine Bear with Kevin and name your son Bearvin or combine Annette and me for Amatte....just think of the beautiful possibilities, Lillith!!

Third--I downloaded Pink's Funhouse album off iTunes. Bad. I. Dea. About halfway through a listen I had to fast forward to the next playlist on my iPod to avoid sobbing. Definitely the wrong head space.

Fourth--the other day I was asking Gavin to get me things (it's one of the perks of having a kid who's old enough to understand instructions...just wait Lillith and Annette...bliss), well I guess I had asked him to do too many things for me because he looked at me and said, "Mom. I will NOT do your bidding." I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. He's just so unbearably funny!

....and 4

2009-04-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

4. Of course I will still love you and be your friend, Briskey! It's going to take a lot more than a fight about a Scottish woman's eyebrows to tear you and me apart! And just for the record, I never said that the whole thing with Susan Boyle wasn't overrated...and Sister, how can you NOT know who Susan Boyle is?!! You have the capabilities to watch YouTube on your iTouch for pete's sake!!

1, 2, 3

2009-04-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

Just a few things:

1. Lillith, my suggestion for the Austen book to start with is Persuasion. It's just such a beautiful story, it's a pretty easy read (sometimes Austen stories can seem a bit long-winded) and then when you get finished with it watch the BBC version with Amanda Root and Ciaran Hines...love, love, love it!

2. I'm creeped out by the Quizno commercial. You know the one with the oven talking like HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey. It creeps me out that he tells the Quizno Sandwich Guy to "put it in me." Heebs. Heebs. And Heebs.

3. The Drowsy Chaperone is performing in the theatre tonight and tomorrow. I met their company director at dinner tonight and it turns out that he's friends with Brooklynn Pulver, who will forever be Brooke or Tank Top Girl. It was a further example that the world of theatre is a very small place.

In defense of Susan Boyle

2009-04-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

Allow me to share my views on Susan Boyle. Here we go.

Ms. Boyle, or "man brows" as Briskey has so lovingly nicknamed her, was probably a shy and socially awkward girl. She was probably the D.U.F.F. in her group of friends, and while her friends were meeting boys, going on dates and getting married, she was at home, with her cat, singing in the church choir and caring for her ailing mother. She's probably never had a man tell her she's beautiful. She probably doesn't know what if feels like to not be rejected. Until now.

Sure. Her voice may not be the greatest and when her 15 minutes are up, she'll probably go back to her cat and singing in the church choir, but for this one shining moment in her life she finally knows what it feels like to not be laughed at or made fun of, and who would begrudge someone that feeling?

So, you'll have to excuse me, friends, if I find a little joy in Ms. Boyle and the fact that this dowdy, middle-aged Scottish woman's dreams are coming true.

Snow, Slayer, Stress & Sad

2009-04-15T20:08:00.001-07:00

So, when I said I'd like it to rain enough that I could wear my galoshes, I didn't mean for it to rain for 24+ hours and then morph into snow. This is NOT Spring appropriate.

The Walk/Don't Walk sign on 4th North & 2nd East that I pass everyday walking to and from work, the Don't Walk Hand's middle finger is burned out. I secretly wish everyday that the ring finger and the thumb will burn out too and then it'll make Slaaaaaaaayeeeerrrrrrr. That would bring a little joy to my heart.

I think stress is making me old. I have some pretty hardcore wrinkles forming on my forehead. I'm convinced that it's stress. Although, now that I mention it, it could be because EVERY expression I have is some how tied to my forehead and the wrinkles might be a reaction to that. Ok. That's it. No more expressions. It'll be like Botox-free paralysis. That reminds me of an episode of Coupling (the British version, not the lame American one) where the red-haired character talks about how she's getting older and as a result she's saving expressions for the men she actually finds attractive, no wasting the good stuff on the duds.

There was an letter to the editor in the Herald Journal yesterday from a man who wanted to know why women just couldn't be upfront and honest about whether they liked the men they went on dates with instead of lying or saying they're "too busy." Evidently he went on a date with a woman and thought they had connected and had a great time and then she wouldn't return his calls or texts and when he ran into her, she said she had been busy and when he pushed the issue she said "we're through" and he felt like she owed him an explanation for why she wasn't into him. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a little pathetic in the love department, even more so recently, but I would never write a letter to the editor about it. Even I'm not that sad! Maybe the fact that he was willing to embrace the crazy and write a letter to the editor should be his first clue that maybe he's a little intense and most girls don't like to hook it up with the crazy!!

And Kevin, for the record, I always enjoyed hearing your stories. If I could vote for the nickname based on that alone it would be Papa AWE-SOME!

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...

2009-04-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

It's been raining pretty steadily since 1am this morning. Huzzah I say! I was finally able to wear my recently procured rain galoshes. I'd been wanting a pair of "wellingtons" for a while and bought myself a pair at the Target about a month ago, but the weather hadn't been rainy enough to necessitate them. Well. Today was definitely rainy enough and I wore them when I walked to work this morning. It was kinda awesome. Now all I need is a bright pink plastic raincoat and I'll be all set.

I watched a little Golden Girls last night. I'd forgotten how funny the episodes are. I aspire to be Sophia, but I'm pretty sure I'll be Dorothy....Bea Arthur here I come!

Kevin--Dr. Kevo?!

And Annette, what if I wanted to be my OWN Cool Rider? What if I came to the service station where you work, under the guise of needing gas, and offered to give you a ride, while people were honking and asking you for maps...would you fully support the motorbike riding then? What would they say if they knew is was Amanda?

Is there such a thing as a Peeps hangover...'cause I think I might have one

2009-04-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

Those little plastic Easter eggs have infiltrated my house. Hans played Easter Bunny this year and to say she went a little overboard would be an understatement. I'm sure it's gonna take the kid a few weeks to get through all the candy!

Gavin starts outdoor soccer tomorrow with his first practice. I'm not exactly sure how they convince a group of six years old to stay focused enough for practice or how they're going to convince Mother Nature to cooperate, although, I must say, today was lovely...but I have the sinking suspicion that it's going to get cold again and then all of a sudden it will be 900 degrees...ahhhh, the transition from Spring to Summer in Cache Valley!

And Kevin, thanks for taking the wind out of my motorbike sails! Granted, there is the distinct possibility that I'll go to take my first class, have a minor panic attack, lay the bike down and then decide maybe motorbikes aren't for me after all...but a girl's gotta try, right?!

I've been thinking lately and I've decided I don't think I want to have another relationship of a romantic nature again. I don't think this little heart of mine could handle another break-up and I don't think I could ever knowingly inflict this kind of soul-crushing pain on another person. Hans said that some relationships just end, mutually and amicably, but who wants to risk it? No. I think I'm going to happily put on my Spinster hat and wear it with pride.

Apathy-Switch Engaged

2009-04-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

Annette, I can't possibly guess the arrival of Alien Fetus Baby without knowing a few things first...ahem....whether or not you have a family history of early/late babies, whether AFB has dropped, and whether or not you're conferring with a Shaman/Voodoo Priestess in an attempt to get the kid out already.

Along those lines, I read an article about how parents have little to no influence on their children. That whether or not your kid turns out "okay" is based on peers and genetics. I'm not so sure I believe this. The parent/child dynamic is incredibly complex and although I don't think parents should blame themselves for the stupid decisions their kids make--I really do think experience and mistakes are the only way people learn, the only hope is that the mistakes aren't something they can't recover from--I do think parents can and do affect the way their children view the world and behave in it.

I've added another thing to my bucket list. I want to learn to ride a motorcycle and take an adventure...a la Easy Rider...only without the drugs and the rednecks and the getting beat to death...so...really more like a Doris Day movie with motorbikes. There's a company in Salt Lake that teaches you to ride--they provide the bikes and gear and you just show up and learn how to not die. I'm going to have to wait a little bit to do it (other priorities to tend to right now), but I've put it on my radar and it's a goal I've made for myself.

Lillith, I'm glad that you've joined the Twilight club...it's a happy place to be! I just finished Eclipse and will be starting on Twilight again (I lent my only copy of Breaking Dawn to my sister in law, although, to be honest, I only read the wedding/honeymoon section as the rest of the book makes my heart sad inside). I follow this pattern of finishing the books and then starting the series again and again. It's a lovely relaxation for my brain before I go to sleep and it brings a little joy to my life.

I've let the battery die on my cellphone. I find its silence to be cruel.

And Briskey, I read your Gay Truth Booth today. Mr. Watermelons sounds not very nice and I KNOW for a fact that you deserve better than being ignored...there's no way you'd allow this kind of behavior if I was the one enamored with Mr. Watermelons...in fact, now that I think about it, he's a little too reminiscent of Cupcake Head for me, and you don't want to hitch your wagon to that falling star do you?! And I'm going to pretend the whole "unknown number" wasn't inspired by me!!

I shall leave you with one of the best lines of lyrical genius ever sung: "....'Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin" Thank you, Lady GaGa. Thank you.

The impossible IS possible. IF. YOU'RE. AWESOME!!!

2009-03-29T19:32:00.000-07:00

A few observations concerning my life.

1. I have decided that I need to purchase a fringe-laden shirt and wear it whilst grocery shopping.
2. I had no idea there was such a thing as a 12-string guitar.
3. If you have the chance to see Arlo Guthrie live in concert, run, don't walk to the box office to purchase the tickets. His show last night was one of the best live shows I've ever seen. I spent two hours laughing and smiling and enjoying myself.
4. In addition to learning to play the guitar (just a normal, average 6 string, a la Bon Jovi not the aforementioned 12 string variety a la Lead Belly), I have decided that I want to be in a band and play the metal shaky egg...I know it probably has an actual name, but metal shaky egg is what I'm calling it and if you've got a problem with that, then maybe you should stop reading my blog.
5. I miss being able to sleep in and take naps.
6. I'm ready for the warm weather to get here. I actually hate the summer and the hot weather, but there's no place that's Autumn year round, and I'm over the snow, so scalding hot Augusts are you here yet?
7. I've decided that as soon as the weather warms up permanently (none of this week of 60s and then a week of 30s and snow) I'm going to cut my hair and donate it to Locks for Love. I have 13 inches of surplus that I'm ready to get rid of and it kinda makes me feel like Jo March and what girl doesn't wanna feel like Jo March once in her life?
8. I've come to the conclusion that a broken heart kinda feels like having a broken rib. On the outside everything looks fine, but sometimes the simple act of breathing is excruciating.
9. Having said that, each day gets a little easier.
10. And finally, I've decided that I'm taking the power back. (And thanks, again, Annette. I printed yours off and it's stuck to the mirror in my bathroom...)

Each man in himself is everything

2009-03-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

I don't like poetry. I don't like poets. I think it's a little self-grandizing and all very "look at how in touch with my emotions I am," but a few years ago, my sister introduced me to a poet by the name of Fernando Pessoa. His book The Book of Disquiet soon became a favorite...it was one of those books that inspired me to highlight passages and dog ear pages and write in the margin, so when Annette asked today about inner poets, I instantly thought of him. I have a few favorite poems and stanzas from A Little Larger Than The Entire Universe...here are a few:

Though I never taste glory and never
Receive love or due respect from others,
It will suffice that life be only life
And that I live it.
--May 26, 1917

I don't want the presents which,
Contrary to your intention, are
The very denial of what you give.
You give me what I'll lose,
Weeping its loss twice over,
As something of you and of me.

Promise it instead, without giving
Me anything, since then the loss
Will occur in my hopes
More than in my memory.

My only displeasure will be
The continual one of living,
Since the days pass and what's hoped for
Still doesn't come, and it's nothing.

--September 2, 1923

I encourage everyone to check out Disquiet...it's a very lovely, beautiful book...and Annette, it'll give you something to do to distract yourself from the impending birth of the alien fetus! Also, I've been trying to read Jane Eyre, but I have a hard time sticking with it...I prefer to watch the Masterpiece Theatre version instead....ooooh, Mr. Rochester...so angsty and delicious.

My Coke Zero addiction has been replaced by a new obsession, Cinnamon Toast eggos. They're the most delicious things on the planet and I've taken to eating them for breakfast AND dinner. And the only reason I don't eat them for lunch is because we don't have a toaster at work!

And sister, you totally know the pickle song....I don't want a pickle/I just wanta ride on my motor-cicle/and IIIIIII don't wanna die/I just wanta ride on my motor/cy/cuhl...

You can call me Olga...

2009-03-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

I was IMing with Flood yesterday and he realized that we have been friends for 10 years. It seems so long ago and yet, yesterday. I look at myself at 20 and marvel that he even agreed to be my friend...I was so shy and socially awkward, but I'm sure glad he did...he was my first real college friend and I can always count on him to tell me the absolute truth...he was also my first real grown-up crush and there will always be a soft spot in my heart for him...and thanks for all the kind words yesterday, Floodikins, they really meant a lot.

And Briskey, I totally intended to give a shout out to you, but I was trying not to dwell on things longer than they needed to be dwelled on and as a result, you were edited out...but thank you for all your song suggestions, a lot of them made it onto the CD and have kept me out of the women's toilet!

And thanks, Lillith, it's comforting to know that someone as wonderful and beautiful as you has been on the receiving end of a dumping and went on to find someone really great...I guess everybody has their Willoughby before they have their Colonel Brandon!

I've added two more things to my Bucket List. One. I want to learn to play the guitar. I've wanted to learn to play an instrument for a while now, it used to be the cello, but who has the time to learn to play the cello, and besides, the cello is a little difficult to schlepp around to sing fireside during camp-outs or use it to pretend that I'm Neil Diamond. And two. I want to go to Buenos Aires and spend a couple of weeks learning to dance the Argentine Tango. There are several tango schools that cater to "tourists" and they teach you the tango during the day and the evenings are spent dancing the night away at dance clubs. I suppose I should probably learn some Spanish beyond my 8th & 9th grade ability to ask what time is it (que hora es?), so I think that's Part B to that addition.

My dad is coming up on Saturday. He and I have a date to go see Arlo Guthrie at work. My parents used to sing the motorcycle pickle song to us kids when we were growing up, so it'll be nice to hear what it's supposed to sound like!

Oh. Hello Pain. Yes, I know we have some business, but don't get too comfy, you're not going to be here long.

2009-03-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well, gentle readers, some interesting things have happened since my last post:

1. My brother and his wife learned they are going to be having a little boy. They're going to name him Knute and my brother is campaigning pretty hard for the nickname "Knuckles." My dad wants "Tuffy," but I have a feeling "Knuckles" is going to win out in the end. God bless my patient sister in law, Jessica...she really does deserve some sort of prize.

2. My sister Krista turned 28! Congratulations on turning another year old, Sister...you make 28 look goooood!

3. Poor Hans has viral pneumonia. She's been doing that cough until you gag thing for the last few weeks.

4. And after a year and a half of dating, Scott decided to end things with me. I won't go into details, but needless to say I didn't see it coming. I really did think I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and it hurt when he ended things. I've never really had a "break-up" before....my relationship with Dustin was hardly a relationship, so it's been odd dealing with the aftermath. I think the hardest part is just retraining my brain: to not instantly add 3 hours onto the current time to determine what time it is in Nova Scotia, to not expect the call at 10:30am every morning to check-in and see how the day is going, and to not see something or have something happen and have my first response is "I need to call Scott." I've been reading 'It's Called a Break-up 'cause it's Broken' (it's written by the same guy who wrote He's Just Not That Into You) and it's been helping and I've taken the approach that the musical stylings of Kenny Loggins are going to get me through the heartache (really, try it, next time you're blue put on a little Kenny Loggins...it's fundamentally impossible to be melancholy while listening to the CaddyShack theme!). I decided that I'm not going to cry about it anymore. Sure it sucks. Sure it sometimes hurts to breathe. Sure it's not what I was expecting, but I'm not some pathetic, sniveling girl. I've got asses to kick and names to take and shit to do and crying in the women's toilet will not make him change his mind, so I'm pulling myself up by my proverbial love bootstraps and I'm moving forward. I refuse to sit on the corner waiting for him to change his mind...I'm not that girl and I don't want that kind of life.

Spring is bustin' out all over!

2009-03-07T12:59:00.000-08:00

I had to buy new pants this week. Long story short, I've gained some weight and as a result I was forced to buy new pants. It was while trying not to cry in the ladies dressing room that I began to wonder where this hatred of my body came from. I've never been a size 2, even when I was at my thinnest, I was never really "thin." I've always had cellulite and man calves and saddlebags and since the birth of Gavin, I've added stretch marks to the mix. But here's the lame thing--even with all my flaws, there's no reason for me to hate my body. The hips and thighs that I hate so much are strong and healthy. They carry me to and from work everyday. They're with me when I comfort my son. And they're not ever going to leave, so when do I, as a woman, realize that I'm ok just the way I am? When do I accept that I might just be a size 10 for the duration of my adult life and that to try and make myself fit in some kind of societal mold is just setting myself up to damage this beautiful, imperfect body who deserves more respect than I'm giving it. When do I say those immortal words, "I'm beautiful dammit" and whole-heartedly mean them? I think it happens about the same time I stop feeling like a 14-year-old girl. Oy!

I've become addicted to CokeZero. I can't stop myself. It's like Coke, but not. All of the Coke-y goodness and none of that oppressive guilt (see paragraph #1)! I know it's not good for me. It's flavored, colored sugar water, but it's just so tasty. Mmmmm....

Spring is just around the corner...I can feel it. The sun is getting sunnier and warmer. I didn't have to wear the raspberry beret 2.0 walking to work 2 days in a row this week. It's only a matter of time before the trees start budding and the flowers start blooming. I can't wait.

Scott is in Port Hawkesbury today doing sound for an Icelandic singer. His name is Thor. There's no story to accompany that, I thought the simple fact that his name is Thor made it noteworthy.

And Lillith, you can't be happy all the time. It's not healthy. Sometimes you just have to have a day where you want to punch people in their throats and melt the skin off their faces. With that being said, I do think you should warn people, so they can avoid the wrath...I've learned that some people don't actually like getting punched or having their skin melted off...I'm not entirely sure what their problem is, but some people are weird like that.

And Briskey, thanks for the advice. It definitely pays to have my own personal Gay Truth Booth!

And Annette, I will no longer make suggestions for the Christie progeny. I don't want to abandon you, but you're on your own. Although, maybe you should think about Thor!

If and only if

2009-02-27T22:25:00.001-08:00

I have a case of the can't sleeps. I've also eaten too many Zingers, and as a result have both eater's remorse and a tummy ache. I'm also feeling pensive, which is never a good thing.

I often wonder why I make things so hard for myself. I over analyze. I constantly doubt myself. I have allowed people to use and mistreat me. Even to this day I will sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of others without a second thought. I often find it's easier to let people bully me than stand up for myself, because the resulting fight isn't worth it to me. I worry what impression my complacent attitude will have on my son. I want him to grow up, confident and secure, not afraid to stand up for himself or for those around him. I want him to be an emotionally mature adult, who when the time comes, can leave me and live a rich and successful life...and not rich & successful in monetary terms, but lead a life that leaves him fulfilled and this world a better place. Sometimes the fear of making sure your kid will be an asset to the world is crippling. And it's something that nobody talks about and they most definitely don't have a chapter about it in What to Expect When You're Expecting.

I know that life is a constant road of growth and self-discovery...if we're not constantly learning and moving forward, what's the point? But it would be nice, for once, not to feel a little bit like a lost child trapped in this adult body. Life never seems to make sense and I feel like I'm never fully understanding the whys and hows of relationships and life. And I guess I'm not supposed to ever know. It's kinda like the time I took Math 1050. The teacher was this diminutive Chinese man, who's accent was so thick is was near to impossible to understand anything he said. I did the best I could and studied as hard as I could to understand the material, but Math has never been my strong suit and even with all the dedication to the class, I still only received a 'C,' and I had never been more proud of a 'C' grade in my entire life. I had done all I could do and had worked damn hard for that 'C,' so maybe this life I'm living is a 'C' life and I shouldn't be embarrassed by that, I should be proud, because regardless of what has happened in my life, I'm still here. I'm taking care of the people I love. I'm trying to raise a son with an emotional quotient as well as an intelligence quotient. I'm trying to navigate the labyrinth of uncertainty that is being a grown-up. Try, try, always trying. I know Yoda said "there is no try, only do," but Yoda was a puppet who let people put their hand up his ass. I'm just sayin'.

A-metal-anda

2009-02-26T18:39:00.000-08:00

I was watching The Daily Show the other morning while I was eating my breakfast and they had the president of Amazon as the guest. He was coming on to promote the Kindle 2.0. Now, I don't know if you all are far more tech savvy and actually know what the Kindle is, but if you don't, essentially it's a hand held screen that allows the reader to download hundreds of thousands of books and read them off the screen. The president was singing its praises and talking about how revolutionary it is and how the books will only cost $10 and take just seconds to download. I was struck by an irrational anger and a slight sadness. I love walking to the bookstore. I love the smell of a new book. I love to bring it home and break its spine. I love when the pages of much-loved and often-read books turn up at the corners. I don't want this new fangled technology to signal the demise of the book. I bet the dumb Kindle won't let you underline the lines of Keats you love or make notes in margins of Man's Search for Meaning. I have vowed to NEVER own one. NEVER.

On the subject of books. Thanks, Kevin for recommending Suite Francaise. I've only just started it and I find myself really liking it. So far the Michauds are my favorite! I also picked up The Reader and begun reading that, too. I wanted to see what all the hype was about. The author writes in a very antiseptic way, but for some odd reason it works. Although, I find myself wondering if the story was reversed and it was a 36 year old man and a 15 year old girl, would I find myself enjoying the story as much as I am.

I read an article yesterday about a radio dj who recommended to men that after having sex with their girlfriends that they should put tabasco in the discarded condom to protect the men from the women using the expelled sperm to impregnate themselves. I wondered why these men would be in a relationship with a woman they couldn't trust. But more important than that, why would a woman WANT to get pregnant knowing that the man would probably leave and she'd be left to raise the child alone? Then I got to thinking and wondered if this was really something that non-psychotic weirdo men are actually worried about and is the drastic step of concocting an ejaculatory hot sauce something a man would do.

In the vein of relationships--I'm not entirely sure I'm built for one! I feel like by the time women are my age, they have a few relationships under their belts and have some idea of what they're doing. I, on the other hand, have absolutely NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! There's gotta be a self-help book for severely insecure 30 year old women who are in their first actual relationship with a man who has no intention of knocking them up!!

I finally got Scott's Metal & Iron Maiden Appreciation CDs. Oh. My. It's A LOT of metal, friends. A LOT. I haven't been able to listen to all the songs in their entireties yet, but I might just be a closet The Cult fan!

Annette, I'd like to submit the names Thomas and Emmerie for your consideration. With Thomas, it can fit whatever the kid's personality is--if he's straight-laced and Type-A, you can call him Thomas. If he's laid back and goes with the flow, you can call him Tom. If he's a scrapper and likes whiskey and loose women, you can call him Tommy. And Emmerie is what Gavin was going to be called if he was a girl...I know it's two "eeee" names together, but I think it's a pretty name with a great nickname potential.

Briskey, I hope that the packing goes well. I often joke that I'm not moving anymore. I've packed and unpacked enough that the next time I'm moving I'm starting the entire place on fire and starting over! I'm sorry about the kitties, but they'll have a good and happy home and that's what's important.

Firsts

2009-02-20T18:56:00.000-08:00

Sister posted this on her Facebook, but since I don't know how to actually post anything in that technological medium, blogspot it is!!

Firsts.
1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
His name was Chris. It was for Homecoming at Logan High. His friend spent the day making comments about my weight and at dinner I just lost it, started crying and ran away. Yeah. I know.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
No.

3. First alcoholic beverage?
I used to have sips of everybody else's booze, but I think my first "real" drink was a Mike's Hard Berry.

4. What was your FIRST job?
Teresa got me a job at this Chinese take-out restaurant she worked at. I ended up quitting after a few days. The boss was this tiny lady who used to yell at me in Chinese.

5. What was your FIRST car?
A navy blue Ford Escort I inherited from my dad. Hans & I christened him "Bucky Von Putt Putt: The Mayor's car" after this toy car we used to play with as children at our grandmother's house.

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Well, Scott texted me last night, but I didn't get it until this morning, so I guess, Scott, by default.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
The kid. He had slept with me last night and was in the process of taking up three-quarters of the bed.

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs. Dewitt. She used to dress up like a Spanish Senorita for school assemblies and would say something about needing to hear a pin drop to get all the kids to be quiet.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
New York City, with Cassandra & Eric VanTielen. Eric had to explain all the sounds to me so I wouldn't freak out.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
Teresa. We talk on occasion. She always calls me for my birthday.

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
If memory serves, I remember sleeping over at my friend Michelle's house when we lived in East Carbon. I remember being very scared that I wasn't at home.

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
The kid.

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
Devin and Nikki's. I still have the dress. I tried it on a few years ago, and I still fit into it...did I mention they got married when I was in 8th grade? Yep. I was chubby & flat-chested then too!

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Peed & got in the shower.

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
The Cure.

16. FIRST tattoo?
A four-leaf clover on my neck.

17. First piercing?
My ears. I was 8.

18. First foreign country you've been to?
I went to Canandnanandnandnanandndna to visit Annette. I know it's Diet America, Briskey, but I had to go through customs and I think that should count for something!

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
I have no idea! I remember going to see movies for a dollar at Sandy Starship when I was little.

20. When was your FIRST detention?
I never had detention. I came close to getting one in 8th grade for being late to class one time, but it was rescinded when I explained that I had been late to due woman issues.

21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?
Colorado

22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
I've never had a roommate, I've always lived with family.

23. If you had one wish, what would it be?
A neverending bank account.

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
I've been thinking I'd like to learn how to play a musical instrument.

What do you mean the song is 12 minutes long?

2009-02-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend doesn't like pop music. Even after sending him a CD filled to the brim with poppy goodness, he still doesn't like it. I question whether or not I can continue in this relationship. I think we might have to reevaluate our future together if I don't enjoy the 12 hours worth of Iron Maiden that's making its way to me via Regular Post.

Kathy Mattea is performing at the theatre today and tomorrow. Keri & I spent the afternoon singing "18 Wheels & a Dozen Roses." I walked through the theatre while they were sound-checking and Ms. Mattea was wearing sneakers. I'm always fascinated when "famous" people seem "normal."

Due to the sideways nature of today's snow storm, our DirectTV satellite dish was COVERED in the white stuff, making it impossible for us to receive a signal. My mom, always the queen of necessity is the mother of all invention, jury-rigged a pole long enough to make it onto the roof and removed the snow. And not a minute too soon--Gavin started to say he was scared that he would have to go without tv. I think it might be time to reconsider how much television he watches!

And Briskey, I don't want your coconuts of love...I've already pined after a gay man, it's not something I need to do again!

If you please excuse me, I've got a game of tic-tac-toe to play and some subtraction flashcards to do.

Nothing worth having comes without a fight.

2009-02-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

Lillith!! You speak NASCAR?!! Nobody understands me, Lillith, and it brings a little comfort to know there's one other out there who likes to Boogity, Boogity, Boogity, Lets go racin' boys!!

On that note, we're having a Daytona Party tomorrow at my brother's house. We're eating hamburgers and Hebrew National hot dogs (SO good) and delicious bean dip Yessica makes (it's got like 2 sticks of butter in it, but I don't care, arteries clog away) and I'm making my grandma's Chocolate Chip Zucchini cake for the occasion. I have a lot of lovely childhood memories wrapped up in Chocolate Chip Zucchini cake.

Gavin and I often play that his kisses give me "cooties" so when he gives me a big kiss he has christened it a "cootie bomb." Well, recently he's started giving me "cootie bomb trees" that release "coconuts of love."

I'm currently writing to you all while listening to the Mixed Tape CD Scott gave me for Valemtime's Day. The one I sent him was filled with random songs--songs I like, songs that make me smile, songs that remind me of him, but mainly just songs that are my favorite. The one he sent me is filled with 1.1 hours of the sweetest and loveliest and most beautiful songs--all of which remind him of me. I began listening to it and promptly started crying, and couldn't stop. The whole thing, all 17 songs, were perfect.

Sister, I'm proud of you and I love you.

Kevin, I'm sorry to hear people using your blogs against you. I don't quite understand what the person had to gain--it seems ever so slightly junior high--but they're your thoughts & opinions and you should never have to apologize for those.

And Annette, the Mythbusters busted the myth about the penny & the Empire State Building. But, I wonder if there was a group of rugged oil-drillers who were at the ready to detonate the pick-up sized space junk, hmmmm.

You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Wheel

2009-02-07T21:16:00.001-08:00

Happiness has returned to the Rockne home in the form of NASCAR. Say what you want. Judge all you like, but watching men drive around in a circle for 3 hours is a strange kind of bliss.

I have to buy Valemtime's for Gavin for his class this weekend. We're not supposed to say who they're to, only that they're from Gavin. And he doesn't need to make a Valemtime's Day box either. This made me a little sad for him. I remember the excitement of making a Valemtime's box when I was his age and getting to use the good glitter.

I asked Scott is he had plans to surprise me for Valemtime's Day, as my room is a mess and I haven't shaved my legs in a while, and I have no intention of cleaning or shaving any time soon if we wasn't planning on making an appearance. He reminded me that I don't believe in Valemtime's Day, which is true--I don't believe in required sentimentality--but irregardless it doesn't mean I wouldn't like to kiss my boyfriend on his face on the day for lovers!

Sometimes I worry that we as women are our own worst enemies.

And Briskey, there is no need to be diplomatic, Annette is 900 times cuter than I ever was pregnant!

Perfection would be a bore, wouldn't it?

2009-02-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

My sister Krista is a comparative literature major at the U. She takes some of the oddest and yet coolest classes for this major and I'm slightly green with envy with all the new and exciting things she gets to learn. She also keeps a blog. It's filled with really random things--it really is like her brain in blog form! She recently had to read an interview about the power of myth with Bill Moyers and Joseph Campbell, and posted some of the interview on her blog...I liked it so much that I'm going to steal it and put it on mine...

CAMPBELL: And then he says, "The writer must be true to truth." And that's a killer, because the only way you can describe a human being truly is by describing his imperfections. The perfect human being is uninteresting -- the Buddha who leaves the world, you know. It is the imperfections of life that are lovable. And when the writer sends a dart of the true word, it hurts. But it goes with love. This is what Mann called "erotic irony," the love for that which you are killing with your cruel, analytical word.

MOYERS: I cherish that image: my hometown love, the feeling you get for that place, no matter how long you've been away or even if you never return. That was where you first discovered people. But why do you say you love people for their imperfections?

CAMPBELL: Aren't children lovable because they're falling down all the time and have little bodies with the heads too big? Didn't Walt Disney know all about this when he did the seven dwarfs? And these funny little dogs that people have -- they're lovable because they're so imperfect.

MOYERS: Perfection would be a bore, wouldn't it?

CAMPBELL: It would have to be. It would be inhuman. The umbilical point, the humanity, the thing that makes you human and not supernatural and immortal -- that's what's lovable.

I love the phrase "umbilical point"

And, Annette, I still would've taken theatre classes and been involved in the department, I just would've gotten a degree that I could have a career in and not just a job. Regardless, we were destined to meet, because we're the same person and my inner Annette would have recognized that you were so close and I would have sought you out. Whether or not we would have spent 90% of our time eating bowtie pasta and diet sprites with a fresh lemon wedge, well, who knows...

Scott called me at work today. I must admit that he still gives me butterflies and I get very excited and happy to hear his voice. He was just calling to see how the day was going and to tell me we've reached a Relationship Milestone. Now. I was a little "Gulp. Oh shit. What did I forget" because I'm fairly good with dates and remembering anniversaries of important things (although, I still can't for the life of me remember birthdates...impossible...). It turns out that after dating for 16 months he now has my cellphone number committed to memory. This actually means quite a bit to me, as he's not very good with the remembering, so it melted my heart a little when he told me. It's funny how someone can enter your life so innocently and end up changing EVERYTHING in a really great way!

Briskey, I think you need to see what can happen with British Ben. Of course him living in England and you living in New York is less than ideal, but speaking as someone who's in a LDR, you can make things work. If he's game to trying it, you should see where it can go. My intention with Scott was to have a little fun and enjoy the attention for a little while and now I want to sit on the porch of his fisherman's cottage and grow old with him. At least when all is said and done you'll know that you tried and can look back with absolutely no regrets.

I have fallen in love with a new blog about unnecessary quotation marks. It's silly and funny and totally ridiculous, but it makes me smile and isn't that reason enough to visit a blog! Take a moment and check it out, at least you'll realize you're smarter than the people who write the signs! www.unnecessaryquotes.com

Twenty-Five AWESOME things about me, Amanda

2009-01-31T18:12:00.001-08:00

It's Saturday night. Gavin has kicked me out of the family room so he can watch Bull Riding and there's nothing on the television, so I thought I'd give a go at the 25 Random Facts that's been going around. I'm not sure what will follow, as all of you already know pretty much all there is to know, but here goes...

1. I drink a bottle of Snapple Peach Ice Tea almost everyday. Sometimes just the thought of getting to drink it with my dinner is the only thing that will get me through the day.

2. I have a terrible sense of direction. I get it from my father. The only thing that saves me is the fact that Logan is a grid-system. Otherwise I'd be constantly lost.

3. I hate driving. It makes me anxious. It started after Gavin was born. I avoid driving if at all possible. The funny thing is I'm a HORRIBLE passenger. Not being in control makes me almost more anxious.

4. Scott & my's first date was at Ruby Tuesdays and I bought. I figured since he had just ridden his motorbike 700 miles in a torrential downpour the least I could do was buy him a hamburger, and it was the only restaurant still open at 10pm. I still have the Jones Soda bottle cap from the drink I ordered. It's glued to my bathroom mirror. It says "Good news is on the way"

5. I think Team America is one of the funniest movies ever made. I shouldn't think so, and yet, I do.

6. Sometimes late at night, after Gavin has gone to bed, I watch him sleep. This often makes me cry.

7. I used to hate to read as a kid. I just didn't have the patience for it. Now I have to make myself focus on daily tasks instead of reading books.

8. But I can't borrow books from the library. There's just something about the germs and knowing that numerous people have sneezed and coughed and dirty handed all over the books. Gives me the creeps.

9. I regret everyday getting a degree in Theatre.

10. I used to love peanut butter & jelly bagel sandwiches, but I haven't eaten one since I kept a food journal for one of Maggi's movement classes years ago and she told me they were really fattening.

11. I love Sausage Egg McMuffins. But I only allow myself to eat them on a road trip or vacation.

12. Sometimes the bureaucracy of the government confuses me. I don't see how allowing a poor woman the ability to get birth control is going to send America into moral ruin.

13. I actually watched A Very Duggar Wedding. I found myself thinking how quaint and sweet the whole notion of waiting was. Then the father of the bride starting talking about how it's the wife's job to submit to her husband's will and I had to leave the room.

14. I think if you're going to marry someone, you either take his name or you don't--none of this lame hyphenated shit.

15. I'm an emotional eater.

16. I haven't cut my hair in over a year. The last lady who cut it, butchered it and I'm scared to get it cut again. Also, I have a hard time bringing myself to spend the $35 dollars to get it cut. I mean, $35 dollars! Seriously?! Now I'm thinking of just letting it grow and grow and grow until people think I'm either Crystal Gayle or a FLDS wife.

17. One of my favorite sounds is when you can hear an acoustic guitar changing chords.

18. I've found that since deciding what my own idea of God is and not engaging in organized religion I've never been happier, even though a lot of rough things have happened.

19. I've always been the "chubby" sister. Even though I'm an adult, this still makes me feel insecure.

20. I played ninth grade basketball because I thought it would make my father love me more. I was not very good and spent most of the time riding the bench. I now realize that I didn't need to go through all that effort, that my father loved me regardless.

21. I get embarrassed for people who beatbox. Even if they're really "talented" in the art of beatboxing, I can't help myself. I cringe and feel embarrassed for them.

22. When I was younger my dream was to be a hand model on QVC, then I injured both of my ring fingers in tetherball accidents and that was a dream deferred.

23. Everyday at work at 3pm, Keri and I have 3 o'clock Dance Hour where we put on Britney's Womanizer and dance at our desks.

24. I like to eat fish sticks while they're still frozen.

25. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't think there's some Divine Force that makes bad things happen to good people to test them. I think, just like everything in life, the Universe has checks and balances and it's just the nature of humanity.

Achoo!

2009-01-31T16:25:00.000-08:00

Gavin has a best friend. Not just a best friend, a SUPER best friend. He's a little boy from Gavin's kindergarten class who happens to live down the street from us. He called the house at 7am this morning to ask if Gavin wanted to go swimming. This did not make me happy. It made me even less happy to hear his mother and father talking in the background!

I've been feeling unwell the last couple of days. It's not bad enough to need to stay home and sleeping in my snuggly bed, but it's bad enough to make me spend the day blowing electric green snot out of my nose and dry coughing to the point of making myself pee in my pants a little...get ready for that, Annette, you'll soon have to perfect the cross-your-legs when you sneeze/cough too!

I've also been having extremely odd dreams lately. The other night I dreamt I was dating Janeane Garafalo and I broke up with her because she wouldn't let me hold our cat while it rode it's little kitty-sized bicycle. And last night I dreamt that I was pregnant and I had the baby, but it was premature and so the doctors never cut the umbilical cord and I was just walking around with this tiny baby with its umbilical cord still attached. I'm blaming the crinkly duvet. I had totally normal dreams before I inherited the crinkly duvet. Maybe it's cursed. Maybe a disgruntled Ikea worker put a hex on it...crazy Swedish bastard...

I made Scott a Mixed Tape for Valemtime's Day. I know it's TOTALLY grade 8, but I think Mixed Tapes are a fundamental component of any relationship. I also made him a Pop Appreciation CD...Pop 101, if you will! He's made me a Metal Appreciation CD, so I thought it was only right to introduce him to my friends Britney, Christina & Mad-donna. I think secretly he's gonna love it!

Now that wasn't so hard, was it Briskey! You know if I had any idea how to post pictures it would be a cavalcade of you Respecting the Howie and End of the Year Banquet pictures...as such, you'll just have to settle for imagining me, looking at aforementioned pictures wistfully. Oh, and I'm sorry to hear about British Ben...perhaps this is the Universe's Way of not punishing you, but giving you a reminder that there are good guys out there. Yeah, I don't understand the Universe much myself either!

I shall mourn the loss of the "Gentleman"

2009-01-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

I think it's fair to say that chivalry is dead. I know this to be true due to the fact that not one, not two, not even three, easily 15 strong, virile young men walked past me today while I was carrying a fairly large box filled to overflowing with picture frames and flower vases and not ONE offered any assistance of any kind. In fact, I actually had a group of 8 guys make me stand and wait to pass through a door while I was holding 2 large metal easels. I realize that as women, some of us can be very "grrrr...I'm a strong woman...grrr...I don't need your help, you man...grrr" but just for all my male readers, the next time you see a woman carrying something...open the effing door and don't make her stand there waiting while you and your other fratty best friends stroll through a door.

The Bridal Faire was interesting. I wasn't next to a videographer this year. Instead I was nestled snuggly between an insurance salesman who would start every conversation with "When's the big day" and then start in on them to get their insurance needs in order, especially life insurance because he just helped a woman who was married 6 months ago and her husband was just recently killed in a car accident, and a family who rents Chocolate Fountains who had very specific rules on how to dip a pretzel in the chocolate "curtain." I'm not entirely sure if it isn't better to be stuck listening to All For One for 8 hours straight.

While on campus for the Bridal Faire I signed a petition to help save USU from more budget cuts. I know it probably won't mean much, but every little bit helps.

I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and lounging about watching tv, drinking Snapple Peach Ice Tea and starting on The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with the kid. We finally finished The Magician's Nephew last night. I've never actually read anything by C.S. Lewis and I find his writing style to be quite charming. Yessica has lent me the entire series and I'm hoping to get them back to her before the kid is 16!

Scuff, Squish, Scuff, Squish, Scuff, Squish

2009-01-23T13:13:00.000-08:00

It's rainy and slushy and icy and cold here and since the ground is still frozen there's no place for all the water to go, resulting in gigantic bottomless puddles. It was once such puddle that I slipped into this morning. There's something slightly depressing about knowing you're going to be spending the day with one wet sock.

I'm feeling better today. I ate a huge cookie and watched clips of Xanadu on YouTube. It's fundamentally impossible to be upset after the combination of sweets and Olivia Newton-John.

I'm spending all day tomorrow working at the Bridal Faire. It's essentially a room full of wedding vendors, brides, mothers of the bride, mothers of the groom trying to be involved in the planning, friends or sisters of the bride, women who haven't been proposed to yet but are convinced it's going to happen soon and spirit-broken fiances. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get stuck next to some videographer and have the listen to a song by All For One for 8 hours straight.

And Lil, you'd didn't contribute to my bad mood at all, and I appreciate the insight...it's NEVER a good thing to be close-minded about anything, even marriage! And don't stress about the baby stuff--everything will be golden. In the meantime, if you'd like, I'd be more than happy to lend you my kid!

And for you, Kevin, you can suck it!

I'll take one of everything....

2009-01-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

I've been in a horrible mood the last couple of days. I can't pinpoint the reason, but everything makes me so angry. It's gotten so bad that I don't even want to talk or be around people for fear that I'll pick a fight and end up saying something hurtful. I hate feeling like this. I think I might need to eat my feelings...it might be the only solution.

Have you ever thought about how drastically different your life would be if you'd made just ONE decision differently? I have and it's a very dangerous thing to think about.

But Lil, I've always liked the color pink and sparkles....where does that leave me now?

And for the record, Annette, I happen to like McDonald's Orange Drink, but I am sorry that you have to drink a radioactive version...can't they just check your urine for proteins...doctors are whizzes (ha!) at finding the answers to things in pee?

Briskey, my main complaint was about the advice you gave the young wife & mother. You totally forgot that there was another component--her husband! It's not solely her responsibility to reinvigorate the passion into their relationship! She should talk to her husband...like I tell Scott, get a beer and get ready to talk about their feelings like adults, because if he's not on board and ready to dedicate a little time to getting the romance back, nothing she does will help. And also, I don't think you've ever tried to shower with a 16 month old...that shit is impossible! However, I did LOOOOOOVE when you told the girl to get a hobby that wasn't her boyfriend...sheer brilliance!

No, I DON'T

2009-01-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in marriage. I think it's antiquated and an unnecessary societal pressure. I think the whole idea of needing a piece of paper and an extremely expensive party to admit that your relationship is meaningful is ludicrous. And I'd really like for people to stop asking me if I'm married or engaged or planning on getting married or thinking of getting married or thinking about thinking about getting married. I'm not. I don't. So stop asking.

I'm feeling more optimistic, too, Annette. I don't know. Maybe it's because things are clicking into place on some grand cosmic scale, but I feel like 2009 might be alright. Now. The last time I felt that way, I got knocked up and shortly after my mom got cancer, so perhaps it's safer to view the world as glass half-empty of delicious fiber supplement.

Briskey, congrats on the Gay Truth Booth. Although I didn't agree with all of your advice, I thought you did good, kid! I think every girl needs a gay friend and I'm happy to be able to share mine with Tyra show viewers! And just for the record, your choice for pictures were perfect!

My mom made me trade my acrylic down Ikea comforter for her real down Ikea comforter. Hers was too hot. But hers crinkles when it moves. I'm still lost on how a blanket can crinkle, but it does and it wakes me up. I think I might have to do a takes-back...

Gavin has taken to recreating through pantomime the Subway commercial where people's pants and buttons rip and burst to the tune of the 1812 Overture. I laugh EVERY time he does it!

I never gave a con-blog-ulations to Sister for getting straight A's this past semester...nicely done...way to kick Arabic's ass...now don't you have some hierglyphs to read?!

Vote for Pedro

2009-01-16T07:11:00.000-08:00

My son refuses to wear anything but his snow boots when venturing outside--even if we haven't had new snow for several days and the sidewalks are clear. He kinda looks like Napoleon Dynamite, minus the awesome perm and slightly over-extended teeth.

I came home last night to find the floors of the family room and living room covered in newspaper. Gavin was playing a game where the newspapers were land and the carpet/flooring was water. I didn't bother asking him why. I've learned that if he's not hurting himself or others to just let it go.

We're all going to Salt Lake tomorrow to see Walking with Dinosaurs. It's this live action show filled with motorized life-sized dinosaurs. Gavin has made me watch the videos of it on YouTube about 900 times. I must admit that I'm excited to see how it all goes. And I'm preparing for when the kid's head explodes!

I wanted to give a big Con-blog-ulations (Yep. I did it again!) to Briskey. He's got his own advice column on the Tyra Banks Show Community website. I went over and read some of the questions the young ladies have already written to him....I think he might have his work cut out for him! I know that he's going to handle it like a pro and most important, however, is that he is somehow going to charm his way into meeting Tyra Banks and then he can tell me what she's really like and if you can tell she's wearing a weave! Fiiiiiieeeerrrrrccce!

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final.

2009-01-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

I have pinpointed the worst thing about being in a long-distance relationship. It has nothing to do with the actual distance. The worst part is wanting to see your boyfriend so desperately, but you can't afford a plane ticket. You can scrape together a few days and get the time off from your spirit-breaking job. You can even find someone to watch the kid. But your grown-up adult side can't be persuaded by your lonely, love-sick side to put the cost of the ticket on your credit card. Damn fiscal responsibility. My bed feels big and cold and lonely without Scott in it and it sucks.

Good news everyone! My computer is A-OK and all my pictures have survived. Hooray! Thank God for Daniel, who my mom keeps trying to get me to marry; I keep trying to remind her that I already have a boyfriend and he's handy and doesn't make me cry or knock me up, so maybe Megs should marry Daniel. Actually. If anybody reading this is a cute girl, with a good head on her shoulders, who likes men who are painfully socially awkward, a little nerdy, and who wear socks with sandals, please let me know, I have just the guy for you.

Gavin and I have taken to TiVo-ing Judge Judy and then watching it when I get home from work. The past two nights we've eaten delicious perogis and watched Judge Judy give dumb people the what for. Gavin is learning a lot. For example, last night he learned that you don't sass back to Judge Judy and that you NEVER talk when Judge Judy is talking. Good words to live by if you ask me.

I'd just like to take a moment to talk about Gossip Girl. I'm over the whole Rufus & Lily and their illegitimate baby search. Snore. Little J. Snore AND Joan Jett called and she wants her hair back. Serena and Dan. Super Snore. The only reason I watch the show anymore is for the sheer bliss that is Chuck and Blair. All I have to say is that if Uncle Jack does anything to jeopardize Chuck and Blair's tenuous relationship, I will be VERY angry...VERY angry indeed.

Kevin--I'm sorry things are not going well in the department and the University. It's like they were a bunch of grasshoppers that sang all summer and now it's the winter and they're like "Shit man, we're gonna freeze and starve, lets cut some jobs and eff up a lot of people."

Briskey--You don't look anything like a bear. Ridiculous nonsense.

Annette--My suggestion for your baby's name would be to think back to plays or books that had an impact on your life and find a name from those. I think it's important that a kid have a story for his/her name. Like Gavin--Hans picked his name after a character off of the show Angel! After she suggested it, we realized that we'd never met an ugly or dumb or douchey Gavin, so voila, a star was born!! I'm not saying you should name your 9ft tall alien fetus after a sub-par television show, but I think the story is important! Also, congratulations on your 4 year Anniversary with the delightful Mike. I look back fondly on being able to fly to Calgary for your wedding and have a lot of lovely memories of that trip and the look on Mike's face as you walked down the aisle to meet him.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

Well, Friends, I had both an awesome and anti-awesome holiday season!

I went to work on the 24th and came home and hugged my sisters and father who had come up for the holiday and made some Christmas Eve dinner and wore my awesome Hawaiian themed apron while I was clearing up and pre-washing the dishes before they went in the dishwasher and cut my thumb on the top of a can and was applying pressure to stop the bleeding that refused to stop (damn can), when the doorbell rang. My father answered it and I heard him say, "Hey!! Come in!!" Hans then looked over at me with rather wide eyes and mouthed, "It's Scott." That's right. My boyfriend had spent the entire day getting from Halifax, Nova Scotia via Boston via Denver to surprise me for Christmas! This just further continues my belief that I am the worst girlfriend ever and don't really deserve him!! He was the best Christmas present I could have received! Unfortunately, with all Rockne family get-togethers there was a bit of drama and I ended up crying in the women's toilet and resolving to go on a far-away trip for the Holidays next year...I'm thinking Puerto Rico...the warmth and availability of delicious, delicious Rum makes it an appealing destination...I think Gavin would like a Christmas on the beach next year...I was sorry that Scott had to face the full-force of a Rockne Holiday, but he handled it like an absolute pro (again, a further reminder that I'm not exactly sure why he's with me)...and even took Gavin sledding...and if Scott hadn't purposely aimed for the bump half-way down Old Main they probably would have successfully had a non-crashing trip!

I hate to admit it, because it's not very "I'm an independent woman who doesn't need a man to validate my existence" but I miss my boyfriend when he leaves...but I try to focus on the fact that I was lucky to get to see him at all and that I'll get to see him in a couple of months after he Sun Runs!

I've decided I hate New Year's Eve. It's a pointless holiday really. It's just another day to remind you that you're going to die fat and alone and be found 2 weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs.

I've had the last week off from work. It's been a lovely break and Gavin, Scott and I have spent the time watching marathons on the Discovery Channel. Today, Gavin and I have been watching Mythbusters. After watching a few episodes, Gavin decided that he had some myths he needed to bust and has spent the day building various "myths" and then "busting" them...it's days like these that make me enjoy motherhood...also, the fact that my kid watches Judge Judy with me...and when asked "What's Shakin'?" he shakes his bum and says "Nothin' but my little, little bootay!"

Scott bought me some soap from Lush that makes me smell like a Swedish Fish. After telling him this fact, he asked "What's a Swedish Fish?" Then I wondered if I could continue to date someone who's never eaten a Swedish Fish!

I am not making any New Year's Resolutions this year. What's the point. Wait. I just lied. I have made ONE New Year's Resolution...it's to ask my kid "What's shakin'" more often!

My mother is convinced we're cursed. Anybody know a good Shaman?

2008-12-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

Well, readers, it was an interesting weekend.

It began by me coming home from work Friday night to find the snow blower leaking the entire contents of its gas tank on my garage floor, followed by the entire house filling with gasoline fumes, followed by my mother calling the non-emergency fire department, followed by them coming to the house and telling us there was nothing they could do and then pouring some wood shaving thingies on the gasoline and then sweeping it up (it reminded me of elementary school when kids would puke in the cafeteria and Mr. Sheely, the custodian, would pour some saw dust on it and sweep it up--I was intrigued that the fire department didn't have something slightly more advanced, but I suppose if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?!), followed by us sleeping with the windows open in the middle of a Logan snowstorm, followed by the house continuing to smell like a mechanic until my mother poured a bottle of Simply Green all over it and now instead of smelling like gasoline, the garage smells like a McDonald's bathroom. I suppose that is slightly better on the smells scale.

Then yesterday Gavin woke up with a fever and he was very lethargic, I thought he might have an ear ache, so I took him to InstaCare to get him checked out. Turns out his ears looked good, but his throat was a little red, so they swabbed him to test for strep throat. As soon as the nurse was finished sticking the over-sized Q-Tips down his throat, he turned to me and said, "I think I'm going to throw-up" and then proceeded to puke the contents of his stomach (two eggo waffles, syrup and a juice box) onto the floor of the exam room. The nurse felt so bad about gagging him that she gave him two dinosaur stickers and a dog-show sticker game. He just wanted to go home and have a Jones soda.

Hans and I did major Christmas grocery shopping yesterday and when we got home we wondered where we were going to put it all, I ended up leaving her to put the groceries away while I took Gavin to the doctor (see above paragraph). Well, when I went to get an apple for Sprinkles dinner, the refrigerator smelled of pickles and that's when I saw it--an electric green puddle at the bottom of the fridge--and using my keen sense of smell and observation discovered that our Christmas Ham had knocked over a bottle of pickles and the juice had spilled out and leaked down the different shelves of the fridge. I hate pickles. I hate the smell of pickles. I hate the idea of having to touch pickle juice, so I made my mom clean it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. I'm a horrible daughter. But they were HER pickles and HER dumb Christmas Ham. And I hate pickles!!

It's snowing sideways here. I wonder how much a plane ticket to Puerto Rico would be...

Get your legislation off my womb, assholes.

2008-12-19T09:01:00.000-08:00

Annette--get your guest room ready; I'm moving to Canada.

Our awesome president, who only holds office for a few more weeks, has done something truly awesome (note sarcasm) and fucked up the reproductive rights of the women of the US and there's nothing, save an act of Congress, can be done to stop it. Evidently, our awesome president, feels it's his god-given right to protect the babies--even babies who haven't been conceived yet--and has passed his Health Care Provider "Conscience" Law, which would allow any doctor or pharmacist, who was morally opposed to birth control, to refuse to prescribe or dispense it and they could not be prosecuted or fired for it. In essence, that mental giant in the White House has control of my uterus and I want it the fuck back. I don't understand why the Christian Conservative Right feel it's their job to dictate what I can and can't do with my body....MY body. It's already bad enough that there's no proper sex ed. in our schools and that they can teach Creationism in Science classes, but this is infuriating. Bush has successfully started a war he can't stop, sat back while the economy has become increasingly worse and has essentially tarnished what little reputation the US had for being a fair and articulate place, but what's REALLY important, is making sure women can't be in control of their bodies and their choices for their lives and the lives of their families. IF YOU CAN'T BE A DOCTOR OR PHARMACIST WHO SUPPORTS THEIR PATIENT'S RIGHTS TO BE IN CHARGE OF THEIR OWN BODIES THEN DON'T BE A DOCTOR OR PHARMACIST, it's as simple as that! Bah! It makes me want to barf and punch shit!

Gee are you Mac-ers persistent! Scott's been trying to talk me into getting a Mac since we first started dating...I told him I would only buy one if they sold Macs that were bright pink with sparkles and pictures of unicorns and rainbows. Now I'd settle for a computer that won't eat my important things.

It's snowing sideways here. I hate snow. Give me bitter freezing cold any day, but snow makes me want to cry in the women's toilet.

I've finished most of my Christmas shopping. Just have stockings to buy now--Mugs, magazines, pretty underpants and oranges equals Christmas at the Rockne's!

I.E. can suck it....

2008-12-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

It appears that my home computer has had a run-in with the infamous "glitch" with Internet Explorer. The virus has completely eliminated all of the execution commands, leaving the computer unable to even start. Thanks for the heads-up Microsoft that your program might allow for the complete annihilation of my computer. Hopefully Daniel, our computer guy can fix it. Otherwise I will have lost pictures of the kid's first day at school, this Halloween and my trip to Italy/Prague. And this will not make me happy.

My mother bought 2 more tins of those damn Dansk butter cookies. One for me and one for the kid. Evidently, the addiction is genetic and I've passed it on to Gavin! Hey, Kevin, wanna come over and share a tin and some spiked hot chocolate?!

Last night we had our staff Christmas party. Stephen's son Benjamin was my date. He's 7 months and it was a joy to go out with a guy who didn't talk non-stop about himself and wasn't expecting me to put out at the end of the date!

I'm curious if dumb people know that they're dumb.

Briskey, I'm sorry about the text break-up. That guy's like school on Saturday--no class.

I've decided that there is nothing better than the feeling of washing your face and brushing your teeth and taking out your contacts and sliding into bed with a book at the end of the day. It's even better when there is an electric blanket to make you feel like a baked potato.

Top Chef is on tonight. I'm very excited--Chef Tom is going to read them the riot-act about their sub-par performances so far...I sense some chefs crying in the womens toilet. Hans and I have decided that although Padma is a pretty lady, we think Gail is prettier.

Dear 8 lbs 6 oz sweet infant Jesus...

2008-12-12T18:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I would just shut up. I don't know what it is about me--it's like my brain goes on pause while my mouth keeps moving...well, more like my brain goes on pause and my fingers keep typing. I get word vomit and then after I realize what I've said/typed I get really embarrassed and can't believe I did it yet again! I'm thinking of giving up communication of any kind full-stop.

I just got off the phone with my dearest childhood friend. She's a deaf education teacher and is married to a Swahili Tribesman she met while she was volunteering & building a deaf school in Kenya. Yeah. I know. Makes ya feel a little lame, huh?

While Hans was visiting last weekend she bought some of those Dansk Danish butter cookies....I love, love, love them. I'm trying VERY hard not to eat the entire tin by myself. It's a battle. It's a battle I think I'm going to lose. Help me, friends. Help me.

I'm kinda over all the jewelry/diamond commercials that seem to be everywhere on the tv. Here's a thought. Why don't you buy your significant other something that didn't cost a little African boy his arms or annihilate an entire village overnight. Just a thought.

Ok. I gotta go. Talladega Nights is on and I'm missing it, but more importantly, it's been at least 3 minutes since I ate a butter cookie....I gotta go....why they gotta be so good....ya crazy dutch bastards....

A day of "Firsts"

2008-12-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

Gavin is officially 6. Ok. Technically he's 6 & one day, but who's counting...certainly, not me, I didn't want him to turn 6, because by all accounts, the kid's gonna be cute for 2 more years and then he's going to start to hate me and get a smart mouth...he's already slightly verbally aware when it comes to statements, so I'm a little afraid to see what the future holds...

We decorated our Christmas tree yesterday. Mainly all of our decorations consist of hand-me-downs from my maternal grandparents or ornaments we've had since the dawn of time...but I like it...it may look ghetto to the outside world, but my tree is filled with memories and ornaments I made when I was a kid or the disco ball mirror donut or the ornament my sister got off the back of a Giggles cookie box when she was 6....there isn't an ornament on that tree that doesn't have a story and really, isn't that the point of Christmas?

Gavin had his first cavity filled today. Now, before you all think I'm a horrible mother and that my kid is going to have a mouth full of those creepy metal teeth, we caught it very early and the dentist was able to take care of it without having to numb him or even really having to drill much....so, see, no need to call DCFS. It was also his first introduction to Nitrous Oxide! Our dental assistant was lovely and explained everything that was going to happen without scaring him and then put the little "snout" over his nose. He told me it smelled funny, but I told him to keep breathing. Within 30 seconds, he was laughing and within 2 minutes he started yelling, "I can't even hear myself. Hello? Hello? Myself? Hello? Heeeeeellllllloooooooo? Me?" He spent most of the visit saying this and then telling our dental assistant, whose name was Cat, that it was lucky that there weren't any dogs around because dogs chase cats. I laughed until I cried. At least I know what kind of a drunk the kid is gonna be!

Gavin also had his first Holiday Concert tonight. Each of the different grades at school sang a couple of songs. It was the longest hour of my life, but Gavin was a star. He didn't cry and he wasn't scared. I was really proud of him. Getting up in front of a lot of strangers can be really intimidating, but he didn't let that stop him. He sang We Wish You a Merry Christmas like a professional. As such, I will be crushing that and any other inclination he might have to pursue the stage. Maybe he'll be a dentist.

Bah Hum-Tag

2008-12-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

For all those folks who use those net Christmas lights to decorate their homes, um, folks, EVERYBODY knows that they're the net Christmas lights...you're not foolin' anybody. Stop being lazy and do it properly.

Speaking of that, we're putting up the Christmas tree this weekend. I don't particularly like Christmas. As I've gotten older the joy has slowly been sucked out of it for me, but since I've got the kid, I try and not be too Bah Humbug about things. He's only receiving one present and a stocking from me for Christmas. The present cost me a pretty penny, so I thought anything else would be excessive. I'm trying to raise him to not be obsessed with material things and to be thankful for everything that he has. I say "no" to him a lot....his grandparents and Hans, however, are a different story all together....

I've been tagged! Briskey tagged me. Chrislynn tagged him before that and it kinda made his day. So here are my answers to the collection of 7 questions....

Seven Things I Can Do:
1. Sew a costume, hem a pair of pants with a locking hem stitch and sew on a button the Woodger Way
2. Make the kid laugh
3. Make a mean bowl of buttered noodles.
4. Choreograph dances for adults dressed as pumpkins or 80s Jazzercise participants
5. Type while having a conversation
6. Sell a ticket
7. Braid my own hair

Seven Things I Can't Do:
1. Bat left-handed
2. Cook instant rice...everybody has a food archnemesis...rice is mine
3. Watch the original Star Wars films without falling asleep
4. Make it out of Ikea without spending too much money
5. Understand computers...not even a little bit
6. Walk home from work without almost getting hit by a car
7. Understand the appeal of Paris Hilton

Seven Things That Attracted Me to Scott:
1. He's a man, not a little boy
2. He makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the room, even when I know I'm not
3. He's manly and can fix things
4. He's unbelievably smart
5. He's funny...he makes me laugh all the time
6. He's respectful
7. He's a good person

Seven Things I Say Often:
1. "I know, right?!"
2. "Why is everything so dumb"
3. "You're killin' me, kid"
4. "Sweet baby Jesus in heaven"
5. Any variation of douchebag...douchiness, douchebaggery, etc.
6. "I will punch you in your face"
7. "Please don't make me count"

People I Admire:
1. Grandma Jeanne & Grandma Joann
2. My mom
3. Hans & Sister
4. Briskey (and not just because he named me, but I really am proud of him for moving to New York and kicking its ass)
5. Keri
6. Michelle Obama
7. All the single moms who are trying to make better lives for themselves & their babies.

Seven Favorite Foods:
1. Cold Cereal
2. Butter Chicken from the SuperStore in Nova Scotia and Basmati Rice
3. Pad Kee Mao
4. Massaman Curry
5. Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich
6. Chai Tea
7. Cheese Pizza

You say I'm crazy. I got your crazy.

2008-12-03T20:12:00.001-08:00

I'm officially 30. Ok. Technically, 30 years & 2 days. I had absolutely no problem with turning 30. I had a breakdown last year when I turned 29. I just didn't have another one in me. And although I have crow's feet and forehead wrinkles that desperately beg for botox, I don't feel 30. I feel as lame and dorky and insecure as I did when I was 14. I wonder when THAT feeling goes away?

My mom bought me a Twilight calendar for my birthday. What was I saying about being a dorky 14 year old? Oh, and FYI, Twilight is scheduled to come out on DVD sometime in February...evidently you can pre-order it already...I shall be reserving my copy under Mrs. Amanda Pattinson....

I think I may be the worst girlfriend ever. Scott sent me flowers for my birthday. Now, for as long as I can remember, I've disliked florist flowers...I'm not anti-flowers....garden flowers or "borrowing" flowers from an obliging field, I'm all for it....there's just something about spending $50+ dollars on flowers that are going to die, I don't dig...anyway, I thanked him for the flowers and for the thought and then told him to not send me flowers again. I mean, who does that?! What kind of girl does that?! What kind of girlfriend craps all over her boyfriend's kind gesture?! But I thought it was better to tell him than for him to continue wasting money on flowers. Was I wrong? Should I have just let him continue sending me flowers and just thanked him sweetly? Sometimes I worry that I'm not sure what to do with a boy who is nice to me.

So I got a call at work the other day, it went something like this:

Me: Cache Valley Center for the Arts, this is Amanda.
Caller: Yes. I'd like to speak with Ich Wong.
Me: I'm sorry. There's no one by that name here.
Caller: There isn't a Mr. Wong there?
Me: No. I'm sorry.
Caller: Ok. Thank you for your time.

After I hung up I realized that I could have made an awesome "I'm sorry, you have the WONG number" joke and I missed that great opportunity. It still makes me a little sad just writing about it.

I purchased Britney's new album...I have to say, it's deliciously dancey...I like the first half better than the second half....Track #3 is turning out to be my favorite....I really hope things start to brighten up for her...I know that sounds incredibly cheesy, since I don't even know her, but she seems like a nice girl who met the wrong guy and put a few bumps on her path....I don't know...maybe I can relate a little...

I've come to the realization that being a girl can kinda suck sometimes.

I wanted to send out a con-blog-ulations to Ann-ette....I'm glad your baby is not going to earn you a spot as a documentary on the Discovery Channel....well, not yet anyway!

Moonlighting strangers, who just met on the waaaaaaay...

2008-11-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

Dear friends, thank you for taking a moment, and joining me in mourning the loss of a good friend, Mr. iPod Left Earbud. He had been a kind and loyal companion to Amanda these past 11 months, staying with her through the Elliptical months, joining her on a harrowing attempt to get to Nova Scotia via O'Hare Airport, teaching her helpful Italian phrases she never actually used while flying to Italy and most recently, keeping her company while she walked to work. He began to fall ill in September when the "padding" portion of his Bud started to peel away from the plastic ear portion. He held on for as long as he could, but eventually succumbed to his illness. She will continue to use her iPod earbuds, as the cost to replace them is ridiculous, but the soft squishness of Mr. Left Earbud will be greatly missed. Let us pray.

I think that one of my legs might be longer than the other. I've recently noticed that my pants reach longer on my left leg...on ALL of my pants...I wonder if this is the reason Maggi used to tell me my chane turns were uneven...sigh

We're not celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow, we wait and celebrate it as one big family (minus sister as she has to work) on Saturday. So we're having cheese pizza for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Anybody wanna come over?

I don't have to work tomorrow or Friday. I have every intention of watching Moonlighting on DVD and being lazy in my pajamas. Anybody wanna come over?

I love you, Briskey.

I've decided that a tambourine makes any song happier. And hand claps. I don't want to neglect hand claps in their ability to perk up a song. I've also decided that before I do anything I'm gonna count it off, a la a drummer counting off the beats to a song...

My mother was taking Gavin to see Madagascar 2 today. I'm sure my evening will be filled with "Smile & wave boys" and "I like to move it, move it."

And, Annette, THAT is an awful lot of Skim Milk...please be careful...too much skim milk+nauseous pregnant tummy=barfaroni. I am proud of you...or should I say I'm proud of the fetus, for having such a healthy craving....your Viking cape is in the mail!

Ok. I think I'm gonna go...2, 3, 4...

Broody=Sexy (Angsty=Not So Much)

2008-11-23T18:09:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, the lovely Bree-ah-na, who was recently married this past summer, I have visited her blog and I marvel at her openness about the sheer and absolute bliss she feels concerning the love for her new husband. It makes me both want to barf and then wonder why I'm not that open....

I went and saw Twilight today. I went in with no preconceived notions concerning from book to screen, as most movies are never as good as the books (I think I've only experienced 3 times when the movie did the book justice--Masterpiece Theatre's adapations of Persuasion...awwww...Captain Wentworth and Jane Eyre...awwww....Mr. Rochester all broody and dark and Emma Thompson's adaptation of Sense & Sensibility...awwww, Colonel Brandon). I must honestly say I felt, to borrow a phrase from Annette, 'meh' about it. I felt like all the charm and joy that I loved about the book didn't translate to the screen very well. Everyone was so angsty. Even Mr. Rochester at his darkest and most broodiest found time to find the joy of love with Jane, even if that love had the potential to be short-lived (not unlike our Edward & Bella). I found all of the "humans" to actually be the most entertaining part of the film, especially Billy & Charlie--who I wasn't expecting to like, since I thought the actor chosen to play Charlie was too handsome...it's amazing what a "dad" moustache will do to a man's cute quotient! I'll probably see it again. I kinda feel like I owe it to the book! On a side note: I attended the film by myself and a few moments before the movie started a boy sat next to me-- no girlfriend, no wife, no sister--just him. I smiled.

In the same vein as Twilight, I finished re-reading Breaking Dawn, and I didn't hate it (which was my initial reaction to it--I equated it to the excitement of Christmas morning and all I got was socks!). I came to the realization that Stephenie Meyer had to finish the saga that way. Breaking Dawn had to be what it was....it's kinda like Eve eating the apple...it had to be done....some people like that it happened, others are pissed about it...

I was informed the other day that one of the little girls in Gavin's kindergarten class has her eye on him and that she intends to marry him. I believe I will be locking him in a closet. Right. About. Now. Or, better yet, would anybody happen to know of any ways to stunt a boy's social development so he's scared of girls until he's about 25? No? Nobody? Huhm. I suppose I shall have to Google.

Oh yeah, I'm a gummy bear...(this title courtesy of Gavin!)

2008-11-21T19:50:00.001-08:00

Scott gave me an iPod Shuffle for my birthday last year (easily one of the best gifts I've ever received). As you all know, I'm not technically savvy at all....I just barely mastered burning CDs, so I've been more than a little overwhelmed at the thought of downloading songs and albumins....the thought makes me nervous for some reason. Well, I finally downloaded my first album from the apple store. It was painfully easy and I fear that I may become a downloading junkie...there's just something really satisfying about sitting around in my underpants downloading the songs I want...next stop, Britney Spears' Circus...

I just wanted to know what is with Grey's Anatomy and all of the usual jerky men (McSteamy, Karev) all of a sudden growing hearts of gold? And I sure like that Lt. Hunt...although, his face kinda reminds me of that part in Top Secret where Nick Rivers is fighting the bad guy at the ballet and Nick squishes the bad guy's face and the bad guy's face sticks that way....also, even if Denny is a ghost and Izzie is going crazy, I'm glad he's back...I sure like that Denny...

I've been intrigued to see the last couple of days the backlash to Twilight. Geez, people, it's just a movie. And shouldn't we be happy that the teenage girls of America (and around the world) are chillin' at the movie theatre watching a vampire love story and not giving douchebag Senior boys blow jobs or beating each other up and posting it on youtube? Lets keep our eye on the prize, folks. Eye on the prize.

Scott had a pint at the oldest pub in the UK today. He also played a gig last night called Rock City. Now. If I were playing the obvious game with Annette, I'd say, "I wonder what kind of music they have at Rock City?"

Gavin story o' the day:
He was reaching really deeply into the refrigerator, and I couldn't understand what it was that he was trying to get so I asked him, "Gavin. What are you doing?" "I'm getting a Capri-Sun. What does it look like I'm doing? Pettin' a horse?!"

To the Birthday Boy

2008-11-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take a moment and tell you a story. It's the story of a young man, who, at a USU Theatre Cabaret performed "Over The Moon" from RENT. He was tall and thin and spikey-haired and his feet seemed to be too big for his body. He was baby-faced and energetic. As I sat watching him perform, I thought, "who is this kid?" His name was Brian Bahr and he went on to become one of my dearest and closest friends. Today is his birthday. So I'd like to say, Happy Birthday, Briskey! I'm sure glad that Barb Bahr birthed you. You're still tall and thin and your feet still seem too big for your body, but you make my life brighter on a daily basis and I love you. I hope this birthday is FIERCE (if you could see me, I'm smiling with my eyes)!

If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it...

2008-11-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

A man was leafblowing the leaves in his yard into one gigantic pile as I was walking home from work today. As I got closer, he turned the leafblower off, so he wouldn't be blowing leaves on me as I walked by. I was struck by the gentlemanly act. Then I realized that this is how men are SUPPOSED to act and I decided that he should have offered to wash my car...

My mother bought me a Twilight book mark. In terms of addictions I believe the proper term for her would be an "enabler."

Speaking of addictions....my son finds bizarre things funny. His recent "addiction" is the Beyonce Single Ladies mock music video that was on SNL this past Saturday. We've easily watched it about 15 times and he still finds it hysterical. I think it might have something to do with Justin Timberlake rubbing his bum on Beyonce, but I can't be sure...

I'm saddened that Briskey was so close (a mere 92 miles away in the SLC) and I was unable to see him. Sometimes I miss the carefree days of being able to just go....and eating free pizza whilst karaoking at the Depot.

And no, Annette, you CAN'T put your Christmas decorations up yet. At least wait until after American Thanksgiving. I walked by a house busting with Christmas lights last night. It made me feel sad for Thanksgiving. It gets forgotten on the rush to get to Christmas. Don't we owe it to Thanksgiving to give it the proper respect and eat a huge piece of pumpkin pie accompanied with entirely too much whipped topping?

Ummm...could you please not call me ma'am?

2008-11-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

I realized today that I'm getting old. I've kind of been aware of this fact for the last little while, but it's become increasingly evident recently. People have taken to calling me "ma'am." Now, granted, I am nearly 30 (gulp) and I am usually accompanied with my nearly 6 year old son (double gulp), but I DON'T feel like a ma'am. And I most certainly do NOT appreciate the tween at Borders asking "Is there something I can help you find, ma'am?" "Actually, NO, Miley, I don't. My eyesight is just fine, thank you very much and I'm quite capable of finding the Classics section without any help from you."

I read on the back of a M & M's package that 1 in 8 women will have breast cancer in their lifetime. This is a scary statistic. This is an especially scary statistic to me. It's just a less-than gentle reminder that women need to be our own best advocates, especially where our bodies and health are concerned. Check yourselves, ladies.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. It makes me fairly grouchy. Then I feel guilty about being so bitchtacular. I miss naps.

I'm re-reading Breaking Dawn. I figured it's been a few months and I should give it another go. I don't dislike it as much as I did upon the first reading....I didn't want to throw the book when Jacob imprinted like I did the first time I read it....still doesn't mean I like the name Reneesme...ugh...

My boyfriend just broke up a girl-fight in the ladies toilet at a pub in Newcastle, England. I guess Canadians really are peace keepers.

My work....wife?

2008-11-14T15:40:00.000-08:00

So Keri was telling me about this article she read about having a "work spouse"--someone who knows how you like your coffee, the person you complain to about work things and the first person you talk to when you have important office gossip. Well, it occurred to both of us that we're each other's "work spouse." That's right. I'm in a same-sex office marriage. I've now taken to telling her to watch what she says to me or she'll be sleeping on the couch.

It's Friday and I fully intend on not doing anything this weekend.

I read this article about the Women of James Bond. They were arguing that James Bond films are disgustingly mysoginistic and unrealistic in what a modern woman is and does. Now. I am a feminist. I am proud of this fact. I will be a feminist until my dying breath. But. It's a movie kids. It's a movie that has ALWAYS centered on guns and men and blowing shit up. I'm wondering if maybe we can't just enjoy the fact that Mr. Bond is gonna bed some chicks and fire some guns and drink a few martinis in a dapper tuxedo without making it all about whether or not Pussy Galore has pay equality.

I've fallen in love with a blog called Cake Wrecks. They have the most horrendous pictures of professionally decorated cakes...I get such bliss from this blog. It's one of the three blogs I HAVE to visit everyday or I am very sad (Annette's and Briskey's are an interchangeable 1 & 2). I also visit Jezebel.com everyday. It's like an online women's magazine without all of the shit that makes a girl want to slit her wrists. Hans was the one to introduce me to it and it's actually where I learned to love Obama and hate toeless ankle boots.

Wait. I'm going to have to go out this weekend to get milk. Dammit.

29 Going on 14...

2008-11-11T08:15:00.000-08:00

A few things of interest:

I recently procured myself the Twilight soundtrack and have now become mildly obsessed with Paramore. What's that all about? I suddenly feel 14. I have however fought the urge to buy a twilight poster/t-shirt...resist, Amanda, resist.

It's a show day today. We have the African Children's Choir in residence. It's a choir made up entirely of African children who have lost either one or both of their parents to war, genocide or HIV/AIDS and yet they're so joyful. They sing and dance and ask for seconds of mashed potatoes. It makes me feel ungrateful. They've had to overcome so much already in their little lives and here I am with a roof over my head and food in my belly and I'm complaining about my thighs touching.

Scott is currently in the UK (he's rocking Northern Ireland tonight). He's mixing sound for The Stone Gods. I would recommend them to anybody who enjoys some hard licks and rockin' riffs (I have no idea what that means, but they use those phrases to market Rock Band, so it's gotta apply to this situation). They're actually quite talented, check 'em out if you're a metal head.

Keri (my office special friend) and I helped a young man propose to his girlfriend the other night. It was all very elaborate. Keri & I watched their reflection in the big window and when she finally said yes we clapped and cheered. Then I puked. People in love gross me out.

Ya know what else grosses me out. Prop 8 passing. It's nothing more than state sanctioned civil rights violations. I actually saw an ad the Prop 8 folks had produced that had a family talking about how they didn't want their children to have to learn about homosexual marriages and "normalizing" same sex partnerships & families. As a mother, that makes me both sad and angry. Sad, because I think it's a parent's job to teach their child that the world is a big place--filled with lots of people and places and differences, but that everybody is important and deserves the same happiness. It makes me angry because MY child is going to have to inhabit the same world as these homophobic douchebags.

On a lighter note, I shall end this post with a joke from Gavin. We were walking to school yesterday and it was raining enough to require an umbrella. Gavin said to me, "Cruddy rain." To which I replied, "Hey. It could be worse. At least it's not raining cats & dogs." Without missing a beat Gavin said, "But I would know it was raining cats & dogs when I step in a poodle!"

Now, if you'll please excuse me...for some odd reason I feel the strange need to go shopping at Hot Topic and hang out at a food court...

GS 911

2008-10-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

My goodness...it has been a while since I wrote last. I'd like to say it's because I've been so unbearably busy....that my life is SO phenomenally exciting that I couldn't possibly have the time to write...the truth is, I'm lazy. I think it's best that we get this really out into the open. That way you know what to expect from our relationship. I'm lazy AND my life is boring, so the combination of those two things makes for interesting blog keeping!

Anyway, I actually have been busy. Scott came to visit (contented sigh). It was fantastic and fun and comfortable and all those really good adjectives that invariably make events sound cheesy and lame. I decided that I like having him around...even if it means I have to make an actual dinner every night (for some odd reason he doesn't believe in eating cold cereal for dinner). I hadn't seen him for 5 months, so it was absolute bliss getting to wake up next to him every morning and he would meet me and walk me home from work. I put him on a plane yesterday morning and I kinda miss him.

What I don't miss is the pile of dirty dishes sitting in my sink. I HATE dishes!

I need to get started on Gavin's Halloween costume. He decided that he wanted to be a dalmation this year and with Halloween on Friday, I better get started or he'll be devastated (he's a little dramatic, if you don't already know).

I wanted to tell an official blog Congratulations to my dearest friend Annette and her awesome husband Mike. The possible vampire mutant baby you're carrying in your womb, Annette, is going to be one lucky kid--he's/she's going to have some kick-ass parents!

Ok. I've gotta go give the kid a bath...he smells like a puppy!

I thought that I had mono once, turns out I was just really bored.

2008-10-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

So I learned last night that Prairie Dogs identify members of their family by "kissing" and if they don't recognize the other prairie dog's "kiss" they'll start fighting that promiscuous prairie dog until it runs away. I thought that was pretty interesting. It's amazing what you can learn from a children's book about animals that live in the dark...

Scott is here! Huzzah! After not seeing him for 5 months, it's nice to be able to be in the same room with him and kiss his face. Huzzah!

I'm not sure if I'm getting sick or if it's just a general feeling of malaise. I think what I need is a nap and a sugar cookie, not in any particular order.

I'd like to wish all my Canadian readers a very happy Canadian Thanksgiving. I'm not quite sure why you guys celebrate it so early, but don't be "sorey" about it....ha!

I'll take "Hodge Podge" for $300, Alex

2008-10-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

Hello, friends....it's been a while since I've written and my last post was rather wah-wah, so I thought that I better write a new one with a more upbeat story. This past weekend I had the opportunity to have one of the best experiences of my marginally short life...I was able to visit Notre Dame University, see a game in the stadium, tailgate hard core style, and take a tour of the locker room (sans boys, le sigh) and walk out of the tunnel and onto the playing field. As lame as it sounds, I teared up a few times, realizing that I was somewhere that held a lot of significance to my family. I got to touch the Play Like a Champion Today sign! I got to see where the family box used to be! I got to watch a Notre Dame game FROM Notre Dame Stadium! And I got to do it all with my dad! It was one of the coolest things I've ever done and there aren't enough words to describe how important it was to me.

I've also started compiling a list of things I NEVER want to happen to me:
1. Being carjacked. (Not fun and I'm happy to say I could live without it happening to me)
2. Getting tasered. (I don't think I really even need to elaborate)
3. Having never ending hiccups. (I watched this mystery diagnosis show and this woman had the hiccups for 6 months and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her.)

I've also decided that I don't like kids. Let me qualify that. I absolutely love and adore MY kid. Other people's kids I could definitely do without. Gavin is currently playing indoor soccer (he played it last year and had a really wonderful time) and I dread having to go and spend an hour being poked and stared at and run into and hit with wayward balls (I know, there's a joke in there, but we're all being adults) courtesy of all the ill-behaved, ill-mannered, ill-watched children that don't belong to me. Geez, people, if your kids can't behave, stay at home, I just want to be able to watch my kid play some soccer in peace!

I've also started compiling a list of things that make me ever so slightly angry
1. John McCain and Sarah Palin
2. The economic "Bailout"
3. People who want to make same-sex marriage illegal. Ummm....it kinda sounds like state sanctioned discrimination to me. And correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't God/Heavenly Father want his children to be happy? I'm just sayin'....

I caught my foot on the top of a box this morning and tripped headlong into a cement ceiling support beam. I think I may be concussed.

I've also started compiling a list of things that are full of awesome
1. My kid
2. Scott and the fact that I get to see him in 6 days
3. Autumn in Cache Valley

Ok. I think I've covered everything. I'm going to take a few ibuprofen and get to bed.

I can help you at this window, sir.

2008-09-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

I often wonder what exactly goes through a person's mind when they're calling another human being "incompetent." And after they've yelled and belittled that person, do they have a flash of guilt or remorse about it. I'm wondering about it a lot more today as it actually happened to me this afternoon. I was helping a patron with his ticket order and evidently he felt my intelligence (or lack thereof) should be brought to the attention of my colleagues and his fellow patrons in a rather loud and abrasive manner. I've learned a lot at my job. I've learned a lot about myself at my job. I've mostly learned that people are kinda jerks. I hate to admit it. I hate it even more to put it into print, but, alas, it's the truth. I've learned that no good deed goes unpunished and if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to definitely want a glass of milk and he's not going to want to pay full price for it OR like where I've put the cup. I guess this is what I get for being nice...but life kinda has a way of sucking the nice out of you....no, that's not true...life has a way of making you decide who you're going to be nice to and then leave the rest where they stand....I give everybody the same fair start...haven't they heard the saying "You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar"?!!

Five days sooner...

2008-09-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching America's Next Top Super Secret CIA Tippity-Top Top Model Search of America the other night and witnessed something that both disturbed and angered me. No, it wasn't Isis the transgendered contestant (who is FIERCE by the way), no, it wasn't the other contestants disgustingly mocking Isis (gross and not right), and no, it wasn't even Mr. Jay's hair (really, though, what was THAT?!).

It was a First Response pregnancy test commercial.

Evidently, previous pregnancy tests were too difficult. All the one pink line vs. two pink lines and pluses or minuses or Pregnant or Not Pregnant was too confusing...now they've engineered the test to simply read "No" or "Yes". To which I say: IF YOU CAN'T READ THE RESULTS OF A HOME PREGNANCY TEST MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE HAVING A KID!!! Seriously! Having found myself in the company of a home pregnancy test before, I can understand the stress-induced stupor that might make things a little dicey in the thought/recognition department, but c'mon you guys, it's not rocket science.

Scott & I commemorated one year of "dating" yesterday. It was all very exciting. I celebrated by being 3,000+ miles away from him, eating a bowl of spaghetti and then going to bed at 9:15. I know. Romantic, right?!!

The weather has finally taken a turn, and it's Fall in the great Cache Valley. I love the Fall. I love the Fall here. I'm ready for the mountainside to be varying shades of oranges and reds. I'm waiting patiently to be able to see my breath in the mornings....then I'll know that the cool weather is here to stay and I can break out the sweaters and the raspberry beret.

I just wanted to take a moment and tell Briskey how much I love him. You've always been a kind and devoted friend to me, Brian, even when I didn't deserve it. I can't and don't want to picture my life without your friendship. I never knew that I owed Rent so much...it saved you and brought you into my life. I love you. Now let's commemorate that love by living 3,000+ miles away from each other and eating a bowl of spaghetti!