I'm am VERY pleased to report that I successfully completed my second vasectomy without a single hint of needing to pass out/throw-up! I consider this a step towards complete and total nursing domination. However, I was informed by the MD that, although he appreciates my attempts to engage the patient in banter in a means to distract them from the inevitable discomfort of having their junk cut into, I need to not make eye contact with the patient, as this is causing me to unknowingly shift the clamps a little to the right and shifting the clamps microscopically to the right while holding a man's vas deferens is not a good thing.
All the standing and walking at my job is starting to give me varicose veins, which contrary to popular belief, are NOT sexy. So I bought myself some compressions stockings (think the knee high stockings that very old, fat ladies wear). So far they appear to be working, as my legs and feet are not as swollen or tired as they were pre-stockings. The only downside is they give me muffin top on my knees. Yep. I didn't think it was possible to have muffin top anywhere other than your waist, but apparently you can.
Christopher and I have become obsessed with the show The Tudors...I acknowledge we're like years after the trend, but Netflix has all the seasons on Watch Instantly and we've now started watching an episode a night before we go to bed. I've always been intrigued by history and Henry and his wives....I read a really fantastic book about his wives last year....I think I wrote about it on this blog thingamajig, but I can't remember...anyway, if I did, disregard this re-mention of the book....if I didn't, it was a most excellent book and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Anyway, as I said, we're watching the series. Henry has become enamored with Anne Boleyn and has just told Cardinal Wolsey he has to help him get a divorce from Catharine of Aragon. It's funny to watch a series where you know how it ends and you want to shake Anne Boleyn and say "Run away if you like your head still attached to your body!" I must also say that there are A LOT of boobs (both naked and clothed) and A LOT of asses in this show....I have no other commentary on that fact, just that there are a lot of them. Also, how did everybody not have some sort of venereal disease? I'm serious. Thinking about this keeps me up at night. I want answers.
Speaking of VD...did you guys see where gonorrhea is becoming drug resistant. Again. No other commentary to offer. Just be safe out there, kids.
Ann-ette: Two things. 1) Hans and I have decided that you must wear a Dolly-esque wig when we go to Dollywood, as you look the most like her. Which segues quite nicely into 2) That story about Mike running the stop sign because he was looking at your boobies made me laugh and awww all at the same time. It made me laugh for fairly obvious reasons, but it made me awww, because it means that your husband still thinks you're the prettiest girl in the room who could be a part-time model. And that melts my cold icy heart.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Stay classy, San Diego!
Some of you have been curious about the location of my recent travel adventure. Hans and I went to sunny San Diego, which is Spanish for Whale's Vagina (see Anchorman!) and although the weather was vastly better than Logan's, it wasn't nearly as sunny as one would hope. I did however enjoy it all the same. In the short time I had, we visited La Jolla, the Gaslamp Quarter, the Harbor, Old Town, went on a Ghost Tour (Hans used an EMF to find a vortex of ghostly energy), spent a ridiculous amount on parking (I mean, $26 for parking....it's a racket!), and ate the most delicious green chili pork mole (I don't know how to add the Spanish accent mark, so when reading it, it's really mole-ay, as opposed to just mole, which the thought of eating a mole makes me want to barf a little!). It was really great to get away, even for only a couple of days. Here are a few photos of my trip....everybody likes to see pictures from other people's trips, right? RIGHT?!
Here is a picture on a walking tour of La Jolla. I enjoy that they don't call La Jolla a city, it's a "Village"! The car traffic isn't very village-y, but Hans did all the driving and she was epic!
Here is a picture of Hans and some seals sunning themselves on a rock in La Jolla. There are A LOT of seals along the coastline and it's actually become a point of contention, since many humans will go down on the beaches and scare the seals away. We didn't go down on the beach, since we could see them from the walkway just fine and they were there first!
Here's a picture of me in front of the Old Town sign. I have decided that I like old timey buildings and towns more than I probably should. I also love the inevitable terrible souvenir shops that accompany them! Who wants a Mexican clay flute with a monkey painted on it?!!
I hope everybody had a good Valentime's day. Christopher made me a delicious dinner and did the dishes and everything. It was beyond lovely. He compromised a bit by only buying me a single red rose, as I hate flowers, but he likes to buy them for me, so look at us communicating and shit...
Work is still going well. I've passed my probationary period and they haven't fired me, so I guess I'm doing something right!
Lillith--if River gets any cuter, I will have to vomit profusely
Ann-ette--Hans and I are planning a Summer of 2013 Dollywood trip....ya interested?!!
Briskey--I used to see Maggiography quite frequently when I worked at the Eccles, but I haven't seen her recently. The last time I saw her, she had cut her platinum blonde locks into a stylish bob and had just gotten back from visiting family in the American Southwest. I marvel that you would ever consider that Maggi would die...she's never going to die....the combination of nicotine, sunbathing and leotards has made her immortal!
Here is a picture on a walking tour of La Jolla. I enjoy that they don't call La Jolla a city, it's a "Village"! The car traffic isn't very village-y, but Hans did all the driving and she was epic!
Here is a picture of Hans and some seals sunning themselves on a rock in La Jolla. There are A LOT of seals along the coastline and it's actually become a point of contention, since many humans will go down on the beaches and scare the seals away. We didn't go down on the beach, since we could see them from the walkway just fine and they were there first!
Here's a picture of me in front of the Old Town sign. I have decided that I like old timey buildings and towns more than I probably should. I also love the inevitable terrible souvenir shops that accompany them! Who wants a Mexican clay flute with a monkey painted on it?!!
I hope everybody had a good Valentime's day. Christopher made me a delicious dinner and did the dishes and everything. It was beyond lovely. He compromised a bit by only buying me a single red rose, as I hate flowers, but he likes to buy them for me, so look at us communicating and shit...
Work is still going well. I've passed my probationary period and they haven't fired me, so I guess I'm doing something right!
Lillith--if River gets any cuter, I will have to vomit profusely
Ann-ette--Hans and I are planning a Summer of 2013 Dollywood trip....ya interested?!!
Briskey--I used to see Maggiography quite frequently when I worked at the Eccles, but I haven't seen her recently. The last time I saw her, she had cut her platinum blonde locks into a stylish bob and had just gotten back from visiting family in the American Southwest. I marvel that you would ever consider that Maggi would die...she's never going to die....the combination of nicotine, sunbathing and leotards has made her immortal!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
An Open Letter--Part 2
Dear Lady Wearing A LOT of Strong Smelling Perfume on My Flight Back to SLC,
I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for giving me a headache and making me feel so ill, that up until 5 minutes ago I was having an internal debate about whether or not I would have to utilize a plane provided barf bag. A small piece of advice: when you're about to get on the equivalent of a flying tin can, maybe you should avoid trying to smell like a French whore.
Sincerely,
Amanda
I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for giving me a headache and making me feel so ill, that up until 5 minutes ago I was having an internal debate about whether or not I would have to utilize a plane provided barf bag. A small piece of advice: when you're about to get on the equivalent of a flying tin can, maybe you should avoid trying to smell like a French whore.
Sincerely,
Amanda
Friday, February 10, 2012
An Open Letter
Dear Man Talking Loudly on His Cellphone at the Airport,
I don't really want to hear about your reluctance to start a family with your wife OR the fact that you're going to need Viagra to get the job done. KThanxbai!
Sincerely,
Not interested
I don't really want to hear about your reluctance to start a family with your wife OR the fact that you're going to need Viagra to get the job done. KThanxbai!
Sincerely,
Not interested
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Getting sweaty is the first sign....
Hello, dear friends, it's been a little while since I wrote, so I thought I'd take a moment and give you all a quick update...since I know that your entire lives revolve around what's happening in mine!
Work is still going very well. I'm finally getting the hang of things and don't feel quite so lost. I still have to ask where things are in the storage closet, but it's getting a little less confusing every day....eventually, I'll be a well-oiled nursing machine and that'll start as soon as I can find the band-aids without assistance!
I assisted with a vasectomy today. I got about 3/4th of the way through and started feeling like I was going to pass out, so I had to leave. I was incredibly embarrassed to have to leave and apologized to the MD. He was very cool about the whole thing and told me a story about a previous MA he had that full-on passed out and the patient caught her head before it landed in his crotch. I may not be proud about having to leave, but at least my head didn't almost end up in a naked stranger's crotch. On a side note, any man who has had a vasectomy deserves a prize....that procedure does not mess around....it involves long needles going in to sensitive man bits and portions of delicate muscles being stripped away using pointy, pointy scissors. Yeowch!
The kid recently had his expander put in. Essentially, it's this little mouth piece that widens his upper jaw. It's going to be in for the next 6-8 months and the resulting speech impediment is beyond adorable. I'm serious. In the first couple of days of him having it, I had to constantly stop myself from wanting to eat his face off because he was so cute! Who knew orthodontics could be so heart-melting?!
I have come to the conclusion, that I'm slowly losing my mind. My short term memory is completely down the toilet. If I don't write it down or leave myself a reminder, it doesn't happen. I'm trying not to believe I have early onset dementia and instead haven't been getting enough sleep or am still suffering from Mommy Brain. I guess I need to start doing Suduko...that's supposed to help keep your brain sharp....hmmmm....I wonder if they have "easy" level Suduko, 'cause that stuff is crazy!
Speaking of brains, did you know that our brains are shrinking? They are. Our brains are evolving to be smaller. Some researchers feel that it's because our brains are becoming more streamlined and we're evolving to need less brain matter to do more. Other researchers disagree and say we as human beings are becoming dumber and the diminishing brain size is a correlation to this decrease in smarts. I'm wonder if the latter researchers have been watching this seasons Bachelor for their studies!!
Annette, a few thoughts. 1) You forgot about Jewish guilt. I hear that is worse that Catholic guilt. 2) Unsolicited advice--could Avery's 9-day Puke-apalooza be the results of a food allergy? 3) I wandered around the Smith's for 25 minutes today after work, trying to decide on what to make for dinner, and it made me think about you and Diet Sprite and lemon and that made me miss you. 3) Your post about Grayson and his army of dancing Graysons made me laugh so hard....I bet you wanted to eat his face off, huh?!
Work is still going very well. I'm finally getting the hang of things and don't feel quite so lost. I still have to ask where things are in the storage closet, but it's getting a little less confusing every day....eventually, I'll be a well-oiled nursing machine and that'll start as soon as I can find the band-aids without assistance!
I assisted with a vasectomy today. I got about 3/4th of the way through and started feeling like I was going to pass out, so I had to leave. I was incredibly embarrassed to have to leave and apologized to the MD. He was very cool about the whole thing and told me a story about a previous MA he had that full-on passed out and the patient caught her head before it landed in his crotch. I may not be proud about having to leave, but at least my head didn't almost end up in a naked stranger's crotch. On a side note, any man who has had a vasectomy deserves a prize....that procedure does not mess around....it involves long needles going in to sensitive man bits and portions of delicate muscles being stripped away using pointy, pointy scissors. Yeowch!
The kid recently had his expander put in. Essentially, it's this little mouth piece that widens his upper jaw. It's going to be in for the next 6-8 months and the resulting speech impediment is beyond adorable. I'm serious. In the first couple of days of him having it, I had to constantly stop myself from wanting to eat his face off because he was so cute! Who knew orthodontics could be so heart-melting?!
I have come to the conclusion, that I'm slowly losing my mind. My short term memory is completely down the toilet. If I don't write it down or leave myself a reminder, it doesn't happen. I'm trying not to believe I have early onset dementia and instead haven't been getting enough sleep or am still suffering from Mommy Brain. I guess I need to start doing Suduko...that's supposed to help keep your brain sharp....hmmmm....I wonder if they have "easy" level Suduko, 'cause that stuff is crazy!
Speaking of brains, did you know that our brains are shrinking? They are. Our brains are evolving to be smaller. Some researchers feel that it's because our brains are becoming more streamlined and we're evolving to need less brain matter to do more. Other researchers disagree and say we as human beings are becoming dumber and the diminishing brain size is a correlation to this decrease in smarts. I'm wonder if the latter researchers have been watching this seasons Bachelor for their studies!!
Annette, a few thoughts. 1) You forgot about Jewish guilt. I hear that is worse that Catholic guilt. 2) Unsolicited advice--could Avery's 9-day Puke-apalooza be the results of a food allergy? 3) I wandered around the Smith's for 25 minutes today after work, trying to decide on what to make for dinner, and it made me think about you and Diet Sprite and lemon and that made me miss you. 3) Your post about Grayson and his army of dancing Graysons made me laugh so hard....I bet you wanted to eat his face off, huh?!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Workin' 9 to 5....well, really 8:30 to 5:30, but it doesn't have the same ring and besides, I want to quote Dolly Parton and you can't stop me!
First, let me begin by wishing my dearest friend Briskey a happy birthday! What's that you say, you say that it's not Brian's birthday, that Brian's birthday was actually on Sunday....the 20th...oh....ooops....my bad.....oh, well, better late than never: Happy Birthday, Briskey!!
Second, the reason I've been a little absent is that I recently started a new job. I'm working as a nurse full-time for a local physician and I start my working day at 8:30 and I don't stop until I leave at 5:30 and by the time I get home, I'm so tired, I can do little more than watch television and feed myself dinner without spilling on my shirt! I'm still learning all the quirks of the office and trying not to get overwhelmed by the new stuff I'm learning every day. I'm just trying to stay focused on the day, hopefully in the near future, that I won't have to ask where stuff is! And Ann-ette, you should know, that I'm doing all of this to one day be able to be the nurse for Mike at his practice, so you should probably warn his nurse that it's only a matter of time before she's replaced and then Mike will be surrounded by you at home and me at work and he'll LOVE it!!
Since writing to you last, Christopher and I celebrated our one-year anniversary. I still can't believe it's been a year...it's crazy! We went out to dinner, just the two of us, and it was lovely. Sometimes you get so caught up in the day to day grind that you forget about how much you love the person you're married to!
Today's installment of "Funny Things My Kid Says":
The other day Gavin was helping me with some household chores. I was telling him that I really enjoy sweeping because at the end of all the work you've got this pile of dirt and junk that shows the effort was worth it. I said that it made me feel like I had accomplished something. After we swept, he vacuumed the front room all by himself and when he was finished he turned to me and said, "You're right, mom. This is fun! And I feel really fulfilled!"
Second, the reason I've been a little absent is that I recently started a new job. I'm working as a nurse full-time for a local physician and I start my working day at 8:30 and I don't stop until I leave at 5:30 and by the time I get home, I'm so tired, I can do little more than watch television and feed myself dinner without spilling on my shirt! I'm still learning all the quirks of the office and trying not to get overwhelmed by the new stuff I'm learning every day. I'm just trying to stay focused on the day, hopefully in the near future, that I won't have to ask where stuff is! And Ann-ette, you should know, that I'm doing all of this to one day be able to be the nurse for Mike at his practice, so you should probably warn his nurse that it's only a matter of time before she's replaced and then Mike will be surrounded by you at home and me at work and he'll LOVE it!!
Since writing to you last, Christopher and I celebrated our one-year anniversary. I still can't believe it's been a year...it's crazy! We went out to dinner, just the two of us, and it was lovely. Sometimes you get so caught up in the day to day grind that you forget about how much you love the person you're married to!
Today's installment of "Funny Things My Kid Says":
The other day Gavin was helping me with some household chores. I was telling him that I really enjoy sweeping because at the end of all the work you've got this pile of dirt and junk that shows the effort was worth it. I said that it made me feel like I had accomplished something. After we swept, he vacuumed the front room all by himself and when he was finished he turned to me and said, "You're right, mom. This is fun! And I feel really fulfilled!"
Monday, October 10, 2011
Manly Men
An open letter:
Dear Cashier Lady at the grocery store,
The answer is yes. Yes, I'd like my groceries in a shopping bag. All my groceries. Yes. Even the frozen pizza.
Sincerely,
Amanda
The weather sure has turned frosty here. We had to turn on the furnace the other day. You always know when winter is approaching because the entire house smells like that burned socks haven't used the furnace in a while smell. I'm actually looking forward to it cooling down. That means it's sweater weather, my favorite, but I could do without the snow. Is there somebody who I could talk to about having no snow during the winter?
I've become addicted to the CSI reruns on SpikeTV. They start at 9am and go until 1pm. By the time they're finished, I've lost the entire morning, and I feel marginally guilty about it, but mostly I wonder what episodes are going to be on tomorrow!
Training for my new job went well. Everybody was extremely nice and patient with me. It's always a crap shoot whether or not you'll fit in, so it's nice when you do.
Ann-ette, I giggled non-stop for a solid minute about Grayzilla and his frogging in the computer room and then telling you about it! I giggled about it just now writing this!
Lillith--isn't it nice to know the incessant, stab-inducing songs of those alphabet videos actually work! It makes the potential nervous breakdown worth it!
I have a few additions to the blog installment of "Funny Stuff My Kid Says"
I was driving the kid to school the other morning, this was our conversation
Me: I'm hungry!
Him: Me, too!
Me: How can you be hungry, you just ate a bowl of cereal and a cup of hot chocolate/!
Him: Mom, just because I already ate breakfast, doesn't mean a man can't be hungry.
As I was leaving to go to Salt Lake, Gavin was hugging and kissing me and telling me "please don't go" and "I'll miss you". I gave him a hug and told him I'd be home soon and he wouldn't even notice I was gone. As soon as I stepped out the door, he turned to Chris and said, "It's Man House now!"
While I was away at training, Gavin and Christopher were attempting to finish the Raiders of the Lost Ark level on Legos Indiana Jones. As they were playing Gavin told Christopher to pause it, because he had to go to the bathroom. He ran to the stairs and before ascending them, turned to Christopher and said, "We need buckets. Pee buckets. Then we wouldn't have to stop playing to go to the bathroom, we could just use the pee buckets."
Dear Cashier Lady at the grocery store,
The answer is yes. Yes, I'd like my groceries in a shopping bag. All my groceries. Yes. Even the frozen pizza.
Sincerely,
Amanda
The weather sure has turned frosty here. We had to turn on the furnace the other day. You always know when winter is approaching because the entire house smells like that burned socks haven't used the furnace in a while smell. I'm actually looking forward to it cooling down. That means it's sweater weather, my favorite, but I could do without the snow. Is there somebody who I could talk to about having no snow during the winter?
I've become addicted to the CSI reruns on SpikeTV. They start at 9am and go until 1pm. By the time they're finished, I've lost the entire morning, and I feel marginally guilty about it, but mostly I wonder what episodes are going to be on tomorrow!
Training for my new job went well. Everybody was extremely nice and patient with me. It's always a crap shoot whether or not you'll fit in, so it's nice when you do.
Ann-ette, I giggled non-stop for a solid minute about Grayzilla and his frogging in the computer room and then telling you about it! I giggled about it just now writing this!
Lillith--isn't it nice to know the incessant, stab-inducing songs of those alphabet videos actually work! It makes the potential nervous breakdown worth it!
I have a few additions to the blog installment of "Funny Stuff My Kid Says"
I was driving the kid to school the other morning, this was our conversation
Me: I'm hungry!
Him: Me, too!
Me: How can you be hungry, you just ate a bowl of cereal and a cup of hot chocolate/!
Him: Mom, just because I already ate breakfast, doesn't mean a man can't be hungry.
As I was leaving to go to Salt Lake, Gavin was hugging and kissing me and telling me "please don't go" and "I'll miss you". I gave him a hug and told him I'd be home soon and he wouldn't even notice I was gone. As soon as I stepped out the door, he turned to Chris and said, "It's Man House now!"
While I was away at training, Gavin and Christopher were attempting to finish the Raiders of the Lost Ark level on Legos Indiana Jones. As they were playing Gavin told Christopher to pause it, because he had to go to the bathroom. He ran to the stairs and before ascending them, turned to Christopher and said, "We need buckets. Pee buckets. Then we wouldn't have to stop playing to go to the bathroom, we could just use the pee buckets."
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