Thursday, February 23, 2012

If I've learned anything, it's that if the doctor offers you pain pills after a procedure, you're probably going to need them...

I'm am VERY pleased to report that I successfully completed my second vasectomy without a single hint of needing to pass out/throw-up! I consider this a step towards complete and total nursing domination. However, I was informed by the MD that, although he appreciates my attempts to engage the patient in banter in a means to distract them from the inevitable discomfort of having their junk cut into, I need to not make eye contact with the patient, as this is causing me to unknowingly shift the clamps a little to the right and shifting the clamps microscopically to the right while holding a man's vas deferens is not a good thing.

All the standing and walking at my job is starting to give me varicose veins, which contrary to popular belief, are NOT sexy. So I bought myself some compressions stockings (think the knee high stockings that very old, fat ladies wear). So far they appear to be working, as my legs and feet are not as swollen or tired as they were pre-stockings. The only downside is they give me muffin top on my knees. Yep. I didn't think it was possible to have muffin top anywhere other than your waist, but apparently you can.

Christopher and I have become obsessed with the show The Tudors...I acknowledge we're like years after the trend, but Netflix has all the seasons on Watch Instantly and we've now started watching an episode a night before we go to bed. I've always been intrigued by history and Henry and his wives....I read a really fantastic book about his wives last year....I think I wrote about it on this blog thingamajig, but I can't remember...anyway, if I did, disregard this re-mention of the book....if I didn't, it was a most excellent book and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Anyway, as I said, we're watching the series. Henry has become enamored with Anne Boleyn and has just told Cardinal Wolsey he has to help him get a divorce from Catharine of Aragon. It's funny to watch a series where you know how it ends and you want to shake Anne Boleyn and say "Run away if you like your head still attached to your body!" I must also say that there are A LOT of boobs (both naked and clothed) and A LOT of asses in this show....I have no other commentary on that fact, just that there are a lot of them. Also, how did everybody not have some sort of venereal disease? I'm serious. Thinking about this keeps me up at night. I want answers.

Speaking of VD...did you guys see where gonorrhea is becoming drug resistant. Again. No other commentary to offer. Just be safe out there, kids.

Ann-ette: Two things. 1) Hans and I have decided that you must wear a Dolly-esque wig when we go to Dollywood, as you look the most like her. Which segues quite nicely into 2) That story about Mike running the stop sign because he was looking at your boobies made me laugh and awww all at the same time. It made me laugh for fairly obvious reasons, but it made me awww, because it means that your husband still thinks you're the prettiest girl in the room who could be a part-time model. And that melts my cold icy heart.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Stay classy, San Diego!

Some of you have been curious about the location of my recent travel adventure. Hans and I went to sunny San Diego, which is Spanish for Whale's Vagina (see Anchorman!) and although the weather was vastly better than Logan's, it wasn't nearly as sunny as one would hope. I did however enjoy it all the same. In the short time I had, we visited La Jolla, the Gaslamp Quarter, the Harbor, Old Town, went on a Ghost Tour (Hans used an EMF to find a vortex of ghostly energy), spent a ridiculous amount on parking (I mean, $26 for's a racket!), and ate the most delicious green chili pork mole (I don't know how to add the Spanish accent mark, so when reading it, it's really mole-ay, as opposed to just mole, which the thought of eating a mole makes me want to barf a little!). It was really great to get away, even for only a couple of days. Here are a few photos of my trip....everybody likes to see pictures from other people's trips, right? RIGHT?!

Here is a picture on a walking tour of La Jolla. I enjoy that they don't call La Jolla a city, it's a "Village"! The car traffic isn't very village-y, but Hans did all the driving and she was epic!

Here is a picture of Hans and some seals sunning themselves on a rock in La Jolla. There are A LOT of seals along the coastline and it's actually become a point of contention, since many humans will go down on the beaches and scare the seals away. We didn't go down on the beach, since we could see them from the walkway just fine and they were there first!

Here's a picture of me in front of the Old Town sign. I have decided that I like old timey buildings and towns more than I probably should. I also love the inevitable terrible souvenir shops that accompany them! Who wants a Mexican clay flute with a monkey painted on it?!!

I hope everybody had a good Valentime's day. Christopher made me a delicious dinner and did the dishes and everything. It was beyond lovely. He compromised a bit by only buying me a single red rose, as I hate flowers, but he likes to buy them for me, so look at us communicating and shit...

Work is still going well. I've passed my probationary period and they haven't fired me, so I guess I'm doing something right!

Lillith--if River gets any cuter, I will have to vomit profusely

Ann-ette--Hans and I are planning a Summer of 2013 Dollywood trip....ya interested?!!

Briskey--I used to see Maggiography quite frequently when I worked at the Eccles, but I haven't seen her recently. The last time I saw her, she had cut her platinum blonde locks into a stylish bob and had just gotten back from visiting family in the American Southwest. I marvel that you would ever consider that Maggi would die...she's never going to die....the combination of nicotine, sunbathing and leotards has made her immortal!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

An Open Letter--Part 2

Dear Lady Wearing A LOT of Strong Smelling Perfume on My Flight Back to SLC,

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for giving me a headache and making me feel so ill, that up until 5 minutes ago I was having an internal debate about whether or not I would have to utilize a plane provided barf bag. A small piece of advice: when you're about to get on the equivalent of a flying tin can, maybe you should avoid trying to smell like a French whore.


Friday, February 10, 2012

An Open Letter

Dear Man Talking Loudly on His Cellphone at the Airport,

I don't really want to hear about your reluctance to start a family with your wife OR the fact that you're going to need Viagra to get the job done. KThanxbai!

Not interested