Saturday, November 10, 2012

Catching Up

Hello friends, it's been a VERY long time since I last wrote.  I'd like to tell you that my life was filled with grand adventures and that's why I haven't written, but that would be a lie....unless you consider watching episodes of the Real Housewives of franchise and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders show on CMT a grand adventure....

Let me write a list of the things that have happened since I wrote:

1.  I cute my hair.....short.....very short.....think Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby.  At least this is what I initially told myself after I cut it, to keep from getting cutter's remorse and's really more like lesbian gym teacher, but it's extremely easy to take care of and since I am inherently meh about my physical appearance and dress like a hobo 95% of the time, it works just fine for me!

2.  I just celebrated my one year anniversary at my job.  I am happy to report that I have only cried once this entire year.  This is a vast improvement over the first year I worked at the theatre, where I cried almost everyday.  I am also happy to report that I still really love my job and have a few favorite patients that I get to see regularly....they mainly seem to be little old men who call me "kid"!

3.  Gavin started 4th grade and is doing extremely well.  He's doing math at a 5th grade level and reading and language skills at a 7th grade level.  I'd like to take all the credit for how well he's doing, but it has nothing to do with me....I give all credit to him watching Crocodile Hunter with the closed captioning on....when he was little he used to come in and ask me to turn his "letters" on!  I must admit, friends, that it's been a little difficult lately coming to the realization that my son is quickly approaching the teen years of his life and when I look at his face and it looks less and less like a "baby" face everyday, I want to stop time and keep him 9 forever....consequently, he's turning 10 next month.  TEN!  YEARS!  TEN YEARS!  My kid is a decade and it's freaking me out!

4.  Christopher and I had our two year anniversary in October.  Please don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like I've been married to him for much longer than two years!  I guess you know you've found the one you want to grow old with when we're laying in bed at the end of the day, and even though I've just been on my feet for 8 hours at work and I could pass out from being so tired, I try and hold out for just 5 more, 10 more minutes, so I can talk and laugh with my husband.

I do think I need to apologize to Chrizzie and Lil....I am a terrible friend and had no idea that Chrizzie had a beautiful baby girl and Lil was working on beautiful Bear baby numero dos!  I feel like I've fallen off the face of the planet in regards to my friends, but congratulations to you both!

In today's installment of "Funny Stuff My Kid Says"
My mom was asking Gavin about Halloween and asked if he had made a "haul" trick or treating.  This conversation followed:
Gavin: Yeah, I did.
Momma Rock (to me):  Did you let him eat all the candy at once, so he got a tummy ache.
Me:  No.  He's actually pretty good about not eating it all at once....he's really good at....
Gavin:  Candy management.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to get through this thing called Life

The boys are off fishing again and I've just put a dozen blueberry muffins in the oven to bake and I'm listening to some classic Prince, so I thought I better take advantage of the time...

Gavin hasn't been sleeping well for the last month....ever since school let out he's been waking me up at 1:30am every night and subsequent increments of 30 minutes until I relent and let him sleep on the floor on my side of the bed.  We visited his pediatrician who recommended we try establishing a regular sleep pattern (which we already had implemented in an attempt to curb the waking) and taking 3mg of melatonin about 20 minutes before bed.  It seemed to work for about a week, but last night it was back to the regular 1:30am visit.  He says that he's scared, but is unwilling to elaborate on what it is he's scared of....anybody have any advice?

I've been working at my job for the past 8 months and I'd just like to say out to the patients in the universe: please stop touching the weights on my scale.  If it needs to go up another 50 pounds, I will do it.  Also, if you tell me on the phone that you need an appointment because you have a sore throat and when I ask you if there's anything else you'd like to talk to the doctor about and you say "no" and then show up to your 10 minute scheduled appointment with a list of 12 things that have been bothering you since 1997, don't get angry when I tell you that you'll have to schedule another appointment to deal with all of those.  Oh, and if you're late to an appointment, just apologize, don't blame it on my colleague by claiming they told you the wrong time, we both know that's not true.  And no, I don't believe you when you say you got lost, when we just saw you last week!

I've been watching Breaking Pointe on the CW.  It's a limited-series reality tv show following a handful of ballet dancers at Ballet West in Salt Lake.  It's so interesting to see how similar all the arts seem to be.  They're filled with extremely talented and inherently insecure people.

Speaking of the arts, I've been thinking about taking tap lessons again, but there are absolutely no places that offer tap to grown-ups.  Sigh.  I guess it's all for the best, since I wouldn't know what to do taking a tap class I could actually wear tap shoes in!  Cream in my Coffee 4EVER!

Ann-ette, just accept that you have lost the battle to keep things gender-neutral and gun-free in your home.  I raised Gavin the same way and one of his favorite things to do is shoot the bee-bee gun off the back deck at innocent empty bottles and foam targets.  And perhaps your husband, my husband and My Name's Not Ray should get together and shoot guns....Christopher has a pretty impressive gun collection that I'm sure he'd be happy to share with the Pyne/Christie boys!  I also want it noted that the story about the Shooting Things was adorable on so many different levels, but that all I really came away with was the fact that you have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and you make time to vacuum your bedroom.....I don't remember the last time I vacuumed my bedroom....seriously.  Also, I love you and want to comment on all of your blogs too, but I'm usually reading them while I'm eating lunch and I've got to hurry and set up for a pap smear and therefore can't comment! anybody watching So You Think You Can Dance?!?!  Pleeeeease say yes and let's discuss who you think should be in the Top 20!  Also, if I had balls, I'd totally cut my hair like Amelia's, but then I'd have to always wash my bangs, and boy is that a hassle, am I right, Annette?!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

I once caught a fish and it was thiiiiiiiis big!

I finished Perks of Being a Wallflower.  Meh.  Don't forget to add repressed childhood molestation to the list of teen-angst cliches found in the book.  Do you ever get finished with a book that's been "critically acclaimed" and think to yourself, "I don't get what all the fuss is about.  Does this mean I'm not an intellectual because I'd much rather be reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?"

We went over to the in-law's house for a Father's Day brunch this morning.  I made homemade cinnamon rolls, if anybody wants the recipe let me know, they're surprisingly easy to make and quite tasty.  Christopher's mom commented to me that I have the shapely figure of a teenager.  It just made me think about when I was an actual teenager and I was less shapely and more chunky.  I thanked her, as it's always nice for any lady to hear she's "shapely"!

My sister Krista is living in San Francisco and has a blog where she posts pictures of all the different places she visits on walks around the city.  Just a collection of moments in time from her life there.  I'm really proud of her for moving some place on her own and creating a life for herself.  It makes me a little envious....but it also reminds me of the time we went to San Francisco for ACTF and we got our pictures drawn my the tiny Chinese man on Fisherman's Wharf and Phillip's picture had a five o'clock shadow and chest hair!

Gavin and Christopher went fishing this week.  This was only the second time Gavin had ever gone fishing and he was VERY excited about going.  I, unfortunately, had to work, so I wasn't there when Gavin caught his first fish!  Every time he tells the story, the fish gets a little bit bigger, but it was a Rainbow Trout and he caught it on the last cast of the day.  Evidently they have bait that is essentially a marshmallow, but instead of tasting of marshmallow, it tastes like fish and Rainbow Trout think it's delicious.  Hannah then asked the very philosophical question that if the worlds were transposed and fish were catching humans, what would be the bait they used to catch us.  I proposed donuts, as everybody likes donuts.  Or perhaps beef jerky, because I'm pretty sure if you took a poll, 99% of all humanity would agree that beef jerky is the shit!

And Ann-ette two things:  1) The entire world we live in is a toxin-rich environment...if the artificial sweeteners don't get us, something else will, so enjoy the shit out of those Red Bulls (although, I have to say, I don't know how you can drink them, they give me the worst tummy ache).  2)  Gavin would be an excellent big brother for Grayzilla....they could chase each other around the house and do "boy stuff" together...granted that "boy stuff" may involve mild explosives or playing Wii until their eyeballs fall out of their if you don't have a problem with that, then you've got yourself a play date!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Angst, angst, angst. And motorbikes.

I have decided I don't like this "new" blogspot....I don't like things "streamlined" or "updated." What was wrong with the "old" blogspot? Nothing, I say. Absolutely nothing.

 I'm currently reading Perks of Being a Wallflower. Hollywood is making a movie adaptation of the book and I saw the trailer for it and thought it looked like it might be interesting....who doesn't love a coming of age story? Fascists that's who! So I'm 3/4 of the way through the book and I must say, that the author has some really beautifully written passages, but for the most part the entire book is filled with teen angst cliches: gay best friend--check, unrequited love interest with asshole boyfriend--check, someone getting knocked up--check, the pot-head character--check, the manly older brother vs. the effeminate younger brother--check, suicide--check and check. It's got all the angsty things you'd expect to find in an angsty teen-centered book. I'm going to finish it of course because I want to see how it ends, but I think I'd like to read a book about a teen protagonist who has a pretty normal life, who's just trying to figure things out without eating pot-laced brownies or having their best friend kill himself.

 I completed my motorbike class and now all I have to do is go down to the DMV and take the written exam and I will be a fully licensed motorcyclist. The folks at Utah Rider Education were the most patient people I've ever met and really cool dudes, if anybody is local and looking to learn how to ride, they're the way to go. I fell in love with the bike they provided for me to learn on, the Suzuki TU250, that I'm looking at buying one for my first bike. I also learned that the dome helmet Scott purchased for me years ago for my cranial safety is actually the marshmallow equivalent of helmets, so I'll be buying a new full-faced one, as I don't want to jack up my money maker if I should ever lay my bike down. 

Work is going well. I love what I'm doing and I'm starting to have patients specifically ask for me when they call. I got to assist with an IUD insertion yesterday and draining a cyst today...very exciting stuff, I tell ya!

Ann-ette, I've been thinking about your last blog and I think feeling the siren call of somebody else's life happens to everyone (except maybe Eva Mendes, because she's beautiful AND dating Ryan Gosling). I used to think it had a lot to do with being unsatisfied, but now I think it has more to do in not trusting the Universe and what it has it store for you. I really do believe that everything works on a time table and it fluctuates and changes and when the time is right, things you want for yourself and your babies will all fall into place. It's just being patient enough while it does....I, for one, find this terribly frustrating, but I'm learning to embrace that the Universe will take care of me. Does any of that make any sense?! Also, the red pepper eating kid is a weirdo and no, you don't want to raise your kids in the city, they would become menaces to society and join a band of street thugs and then all they'd have in their life is handball and flutes, and you don't want that for your babies!

And now, in this week's installment of Funny Stuff My Kid Says: Christopher had some work done on the engine of his Harley this past month and it has become ridiculously fast and ridiculously loud. So today he had new pipes installed to better coordinate with the new engine and when the kid and I pulled up into the driveway today, Christopher was taking a picture of his bike. Without missing a beat the kid looked at me and said, "Mom. Chris loves that bike more than you and me. No joke!"

Friday, May 18, 2012

Synapse fire aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Synapse catch

Do you guys ever have days when your brain feels about two minutes behind everything else? My brain has been like that for the last 2 weeks and I feel a little like McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (see photo),
only minus that whole unpleasant Nurse Ratchet business...I'm blaming it on my Vitamin D deficiency...either that, or I'm getting the dementia and it's only a matter of time before I leave the house with the undergarments on the outside of my clothes (see photo)
In today's installment of "Funny things my kid says" Gavin gave me lilies for Mother's day. He picked them out and planted them without any help from Christopher. When he gave them to me he called them Asthmatic Lilies...they're actually Asiatic lilies, but I like his name for them better and have taken to calling them Asthmatic lilies...then he told me about the decorative pot he picked out...he said, "It's Mexican pottery, Mom. It was kinda expensive. It cost $10, but it's worth every penny!"

Friday, April 13, 2012

Flutes, get ya flutes hehre!

Another day off from work, leaves me with idle time, and since I've just put the ingredients of sun-dried tomato and asiago cheese bread into the machine, I thought I'd write. Remember yesterday how I mentioned that I'm pretty sure I'm getting dementia, well there were a few things I forgot to discuss in yesterday's blog entry. They are as follows:

1) Ann-ette, the Huxtable's dining room wasn't upstairs, it was attached to the kitchen and separated by sliding wooden doors, but I totally think if it's at all possible, one should have a dumb waiter in their house. PS and by the way, isn't that the name of a Pinter play that we had to watch at ACTF one year...which then reminds me of Handball....and then that makes me want to sell you some flutes.

2) I successfully made a from-scratch bread yesterday. I made a loaf of raisin bread, since Christopher likes it. It turned out ok...a little drier than I would have liked, but I borrowed a book from the library that helps new bread enthusiasts trouble shoot potential bread making problems. I generally have a "No Library Books" policy, since I have a problem with the germs. But I'm trying to overcome it and figure it might actually help my son not become like Howard Hughes.

3) Speaking of library books...I'm reading a book called Dear Me and it's a collection of letters stars and activists have written to their 16 year old selves. It makes me wonder if I could write a letter to 16 year old me what would I tell her. Instinctually, you want to warn her and tell her who to avoid and what choices to make, but then you think if you did that, her life would be vastly different and would 16 year old you go on to be the 33 year old you are now. I think ultimately the only thing I'd warn her about is the whole Scott relationship, as I don't think it did much for improving my life or being a very good teachable moment....I'd also tell her to stop dressing like a third grade teacher!

4) Speaking of Scott....he sent me a text a few days ago. I guess my polite requests for him to leave me alone were just "suggestions" as this is the second time he's done this to me. I've long since forgotten his number and haven't spoken to him in over 2 years. Hans says he texted because boys don't like to burn bridges. I don't know. I don't understand. We're not friends. He doesn't get the privilege of sending me a text out of the blue and asking how I am. The whole thing just makes me upset.

5) Hans and I have signed up for our motorcycle riding class. It starts in June and after two weekends, we'll be hell on wheels....or maybe scared on wheels would be a more accurate description! Christopher has already found me a little cafe style racer bike, that gets good reviews for being a good starter bike, so needless to say, I've VERY excited! Hans and I have been wanting to learn to ride bikes for a long time, so it's good to finally get to it. Anybody want to join our biker gang?!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

These are their stories....

I have the day off from work today and thought I would write on this blog of mine. A few things to discuss:

1) I bought a bread making machine a few weeks ago and have now become obsessed with making homemade bread. I understand that it's technically "cheating" as it doesn't really require me to do anything other than put ingredients in a machine, push a button, and wait for the timer to beep 3 hours later, but it's not as easy as one would think. After a few unsuccessful attempts at interpreting what temperature "warm" water would be, I've now hit my carby stride and am about to make a journey into the world of not using the pre-measured boxed mixes. We'll see how it goes....keep your yeasts crossed!

2) I had my first mammogram yesterday. I had noticed some changes in the size of my right breast and given the history of my mother having breast cancer, my lady doctor thought I should go a mammogram performed. It was the most pleasant health-related visit I've ever experienced. Everybody was extremely kind and you could tell they all really want to make it a safe and comfortable experience for the patients. It wasn't painful, a little uncomfortable at times, and it can be a little unnerving having a stranger essentially grab your boobies and manipulate them to fit on this shelf that she then lowers another shelf to flatten them into a booby pancake, but EVERY woman should do it. The staff couldn't agree more that if something doesn't "feel right" a woman needs to listen to her body and get things checked out. As it turns out, I'm perfectly fine. No malignancy. So good news all around. I got to second base with a delightful woman named Wendy and don't have the cancer, so win-win, really! Sister, if you're reading this, DON'T tell our mother, it would just worry her unnecessarily!

3) I'm pretty sure that I'm getting early onset dementia. I'm forgetting words and tasks. The other day, Christopher asked me where something was, and I said "Did you look in the place where we hang up the coats." I couldn't remember the word 'closet'!! Maybe I'm unknowingly sleep deprived. Ann-ette, do you want to come and sleep train me?!

4) Spring is springing here, too. Although, it's snow/raining today, but that's Cache Valley in April for you.

5) So Gavin's History Fair was last week and he was a superstar, he articulately answered all the questions of the people who came to his booth without being shy or confused, I was really proud of him. He ended up doing it on the Bubonic Plague after all and I must say his board was pretty awesome....I say this mostly because I pretty much did the presentation. I know, I know. "How is he supposed to learn anything if you do all his work?" Christopher said the same thing, but it was just easier for me to do it. He did help me research and find facts, but I did the rest. It took me the entire weekend to complete it. Well, cut to this week and Gavin coming home to tell me that the History Fair was completely voluntary for his class. Meaning, he DIDN'T have to do it. Meaning, I wasted an entire weekend doing my son's homework when I could have been watching episodes of Law & Order on Netflix. I was NOT happy. But I suppose, I've learned a very valuable lesson. When given the option between school work and Lennie Brisco, ALWAYS choose in Lennie Brisco!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

A week in review

I had a patient give me some homemade sauerkraut. I haven't tried it yet, as I have a mild aversion to things made in kitchens I haven't personally seen, but I thought it was a very sweet gesture concerning an off-hand comment about German food.

I had my first encounter with having to dismiss a drug-seeking patient. After being given several stories about the need for medication refills, I ended up having to call the patient and tell them we could no longer treat them for issues that involved narcotics. The patient then told me they wouldn't be back. The moral of this story is that the staff in medical offices are not dumb and your excuse that you left your medications in St. George or your medication was burned up in a house fire that ONLY affected the cabinet you keep your medications in, we're going to know.

I thought a patient had a spontaneous pneumothorax and got really excited. Turns out it was just some costochondritis. I was seriously bummed out....would it be too much to ask for a collapsed lung or a festering wound on occasion?!

There is some legislation here in Utah that would make sex education in the schools abstinence-only. HB363 would allow schools to decide not to have any sex education and the schools that choose to have sex ed could then choose not to teach about contraception beyond abstinence. I think it's extremely short-sighted and a lot of other people have agreed, so last week there was a protest at the Capitol, asking Governor Herbert to veto the bill. Hans and her friend Andrea went to the protest and made a sign. Their sign said: STDs Don't Wait For Marriage. They sign made it on TV, which was Hans' whole goal. Thankfully, the bill was vetoed and hopefully our legislators will start to realize the best thing we can do for our kids is to give them a full and complete education when it comes to their bodies and the best way to protect themselves. I've never heard of anyone having sex because of something they heard in health, something they've seen on Melrose Place, that's a different story!

Continuing in sister news, Krista is now living in San Francisco and as she was on her way to work this week, she witnessed a gentleman throw himself off a high-rise apartment building and end his life in a bloody and terrible way. She said it was surreal and the body didn't look like a "real" body. Here's what's worse. This isn't the first time she's seen somebody kill themselves by jumping from a great height. That's right, my poor sister, has been unlucky enough to see it twice! I told her she needed to find a shaman and get her aura cleansed or something, because that is some terrible luck!!

Ann-ette: Does Mike clean out your ears using a water pik or does he use some diluted liquid stool softener and a plastic wand with a loop on the end?

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Gavin has a friend at school who likes to pretend to be a cat. He has consequently given her the nickname "Kittens," which the entire class has adopted. The other day his teacher alerted the class that Kittens had fallen out of a tree and broken her collarbone and they would be making her get-well cards. Gavin described his get-well card as follows: On the front there was a picture of a tree with a frowny face and a picture of a cat, laying on its back with its little paws in the air, also wearing a frowny face, and the words "Me-Ouch" on the top of the card. On the inside of the card he had written "I guess cats don't always land on their feet."

The Boys have gone off on a boy adventure to the Harley Davidson shop and then to get chicken wings. They invited me to come with them, but I think secretly they were hoping I'd say no. I did say no, as there is now no one else in the house and I'm sitting at the table drinking a cup of chai in absolute and complete blissful quiet.

I was recently informed a few days ago that Gavin would need to put a presentation together for his school's History Fair next month. Yes. That's right. Another presentation. I rallied hard for The Bubonic Plague, but he refused to even consider it and is doing a presentation instead on The Crusades. How he doesn't want to do a report on the Black Death is beyond's The BLACK DEATH, what's cooler than that?!!

I'm also watching ANTM British Invasion!! It's too early to tell what I think, but I feel like I might be breaking up with it after this season, as the girls are all starting to look like girls from previous seasons and I'm getting tired of the caricature of the Plus-Sized sassy black girl, the Country Bumpkin, the Fierce Latina, the white girl from the trailer park who is mean to everyone because she's's starting to get old. But I probably won't, because I've watched every cycle since the first one and Tyra and Nigel and Makeovers always pull me back in!

And Ann-ette, you MUST get on Good Reads, it's like Reading Rainbow, but for grown-ups! We can be friends and talk about books. I know I'd be a poor man's LeVar Burton, but I promise I'll end every conversation with "But don't take My word for it....."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I do NOT nurse flirt!

I will often harass Christopher about the fact that he has 900 gazillion friends and can't go out in public without talking to strangers. (For example, he made friends with another Dad in the Kohl's today, as they were both waiting for their teenage daughters to finish trying on clothes!!) He has now started to tease me back about the fact that I "nurse flirt" while I'm at work. I don't "flirt" I tell him. I'm "friendly." I have to be friendly, especially since there is a very real possibility that in 10 minutes I'm going to have to give that patient a shot in their ass or ask them about their menstrual cycles!

Gavin has to do a presentation for school about any topic that interests him. He originally wanted to do his presentation on the Norwegian Resistance during WWII, but after some initial research we found the topic to be too broad for a 15 minutes PowerPoint presentation and have settled for a Plan B of Chuck Yeager. I have decided that these kinds of assignments end up being done by the parents and not actually the child, and think next time I'm going to make him do a project on something that interests ME, since I'm the one that's going to end up doing it anyway!

I spent the evening making invitations for Jessie's birthday party at the end of the month. Glitter was involved. Beautiful, beautiful sparkly glitter!

Momma Rock recently found, and returned to me, my cotton candy machine. That's right. I have a cotton candy machine. Beat THAT, Ann-ette. Your Coke with Quik is nothing compared to my cavity fluff! And I dislike Giselle on principal just simply based on the fact that she's Mom-bragging AND Mom-shaming all of the other moms who don't have the nanny and personal chef to help them, because I'm pretty sure if we all had Giselle's resources, all of our kids would think broccoli was candy too! But then, you have to ask yourself, "Do you really want a kid who is that weird?" and we all know the answer is a resounding "No." So if eating an occasional sweet keeps my kid from becoming the kid who wears capes to school or pretends to be a pony, then I'll happily buy him that bag of M&Ms and not feel the least bit bad about it. So suck on THAT, Giselle!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

If I've learned anything, it's that if the doctor offers you pain pills after a procedure, you're probably going to need them...

I'm am VERY pleased to report that I successfully completed my second vasectomy without a single hint of needing to pass out/throw-up! I consider this a step towards complete and total nursing domination. However, I was informed by the MD that, although he appreciates my attempts to engage the patient in banter in a means to distract them from the inevitable discomfort of having their junk cut into, I need to not make eye contact with the patient, as this is causing me to unknowingly shift the clamps a little to the right and shifting the clamps microscopically to the right while holding a man's vas deferens is not a good thing.

All the standing and walking at my job is starting to give me varicose veins, which contrary to popular belief, are NOT sexy. So I bought myself some compressions stockings (think the knee high stockings that very old, fat ladies wear). So far they appear to be working, as my legs and feet are not as swollen or tired as they were pre-stockings. The only downside is they give me muffin top on my knees. Yep. I didn't think it was possible to have muffin top anywhere other than your waist, but apparently you can.

Christopher and I have become obsessed with the show The Tudors...I acknowledge we're like years after the trend, but Netflix has all the seasons on Watch Instantly and we've now started watching an episode a night before we go to bed. I've always been intrigued by history and Henry and his wives....I read a really fantastic book about his wives last year....I think I wrote about it on this blog thingamajig, but I can't remember...anyway, if I did, disregard this re-mention of the book....if I didn't, it was a most excellent book and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Anyway, as I said, we're watching the series. Henry has become enamored with Anne Boleyn and has just told Cardinal Wolsey he has to help him get a divorce from Catharine of Aragon. It's funny to watch a series where you know how it ends and you want to shake Anne Boleyn and say "Run away if you like your head still attached to your body!" I must also say that there are A LOT of boobs (both naked and clothed) and A LOT of asses in this show....I have no other commentary on that fact, just that there are a lot of them. Also, how did everybody not have some sort of venereal disease? I'm serious. Thinking about this keeps me up at night. I want answers.

Speaking of VD...did you guys see where gonorrhea is becoming drug resistant. Again. No other commentary to offer. Just be safe out there, kids.

Ann-ette: Two things. 1) Hans and I have decided that you must wear a Dolly-esque wig when we go to Dollywood, as you look the most like her. Which segues quite nicely into 2) That story about Mike running the stop sign because he was looking at your boobies made me laugh and awww all at the same time. It made me laugh for fairly obvious reasons, but it made me awww, because it means that your husband still thinks you're the prettiest girl in the room who could be a part-time model. And that melts my cold icy heart.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Stay classy, San Diego!

Some of you have been curious about the location of my recent travel adventure. Hans and I went to sunny San Diego, which is Spanish for Whale's Vagina (see Anchorman!) and although the weather was vastly better than Logan's, it wasn't nearly as sunny as one would hope. I did however enjoy it all the same. In the short time I had, we visited La Jolla, the Gaslamp Quarter, the Harbor, Old Town, went on a Ghost Tour (Hans used an EMF to find a vortex of ghostly energy), spent a ridiculous amount on parking (I mean, $26 for's a racket!), and ate the most delicious green chili pork mole (I don't know how to add the Spanish accent mark, so when reading it, it's really mole-ay, as opposed to just mole, which the thought of eating a mole makes me want to barf a little!). It was really great to get away, even for only a couple of days. Here are a few photos of my trip....everybody likes to see pictures from other people's trips, right? RIGHT?!

Here is a picture on a walking tour of La Jolla. I enjoy that they don't call La Jolla a city, it's a "Village"! The car traffic isn't very village-y, but Hans did all the driving and she was epic!

Here is a picture of Hans and some seals sunning themselves on a rock in La Jolla. There are A LOT of seals along the coastline and it's actually become a point of contention, since many humans will go down on the beaches and scare the seals away. We didn't go down on the beach, since we could see them from the walkway just fine and they were there first!

Here's a picture of me in front of the Old Town sign. I have decided that I like old timey buildings and towns more than I probably should. I also love the inevitable terrible souvenir shops that accompany them! Who wants a Mexican clay flute with a monkey painted on it?!!

I hope everybody had a good Valentime's day. Christopher made me a delicious dinner and did the dishes and everything. It was beyond lovely. He compromised a bit by only buying me a single red rose, as I hate flowers, but he likes to buy them for me, so look at us communicating and shit...

Work is still going well. I've passed my probationary period and they haven't fired me, so I guess I'm doing something right!

Lillith--if River gets any cuter, I will have to vomit profusely

Ann-ette--Hans and I are planning a Summer of 2013 Dollywood trip....ya interested?!!

Briskey--I used to see Maggiography quite frequently when I worked at the Eccles, but I haven't seen her recently. The last time I saw her, she had cut her platinum blonde locks into a stylish bob and had just gotten back from visiting family in the American Southwest. I marvel that you would ever consider that Maggi would die...she's never going to die....the combination of nicotine, sunbathing and leotards has made her immortal!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

An Open Letter--Part 2

Dear Lady Wearing A LOT of Strong Smelling Perfume on My Flight Back to SLC,

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for giving me a headache and making me feel so ill, that up until 5 minutes ago I was having an internal debate about whether or not I would have to utilize a plane provided barf bag. A small piece of advice: when you're about to get on the equivalent of a flying tin can, maybe you should avoid trying to smell like a French whore.


Friday, February 10, 2012

An Open Letter

Dear Man Talking Loudly on His Cellphone at the Airport,

I don't really want to hear about your reluctance to start a family with your wife OR the fact that you're going to need Viagra to get the job done. KThanxbai!

Not interested

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Getting sweaty is the first sign....

Hello, dear friends, it's been a little while since I wrote, so I thought I'd take a moment and give you all a quick update...since I know that your entire lives revolve around what's happening in mine!

Work is still going very well. I'm finally getting the hang of things and don't feel quite so lost. I still have to ask where things are in the storage closet, but it's getting a little less confusing every day....eventually, I'll be a well-oiled nursing machine and that'll start as soon as I can find the band-aids without assistance!

I assisted with a vasectomy today. I got about 3/4th of the way through and started feeling like I was going to pass out, so I had to leave. I was incredibly embarrassed to have to leave and apologized to the MD. He was very cool about the whole thing and told me a story about a previous MA he had that full-on passed out and the patient caught her head before it landed in his crotch. I may not be proud about having to leave, but at least my head didn't almost end up in a naked stranger's crotch. On a side note, any man who has had a vasectomy deserves a prize....that procedure does not mess involves long needles going in to sensitive man bits and portions of delicate muscles being stripped away using pointy, pointy scissors. Yeowch!

The kid recently had his expander put in. Essentially, it's this little mouth piece that widens his upper jaw. It's going to be in for the next 6-8 months and the resulting speech impediment is beyond adorable. I'm serious. In the first couple of days of him having it, I had to constantly stop myself from wanting to eat his face off because he was so cute! Who knew orthodontics could be so heart-melting?!

I have come to the conclusion, that I'm slowly losing my mind. My short term memory is completely down the toilet. If I don't write it down or leave myself a reminder, it doesn't happen. I'm trying not to believe I have early onset dementia and instead haven't been getting enough sleep or am still suffering from Mommy Brain. I guess I need to start doing Suduko...that's supposed to help keep your brain sharp....hmmmm....I wonder if they have "easy" level Suduko, 'cause that stuff is crazy!

Speaking of brains, did you know that our brains are shrinking? They are. Our brains are evolving to be smaller. Some researchers feel that it's because our brains are becoming more streamlined and we're evolving to need less brain matter to do more. Other researchers disagree and say we as human beings are becoming dumber and the diminishing brain size is a correlation to this decrease in smarts. I'm wonder if the latter researchers have been watching this seasons Bachelor for their studies!!

Annette, a few thoughts. 1) You forgot about Jewish guilt. I hear that is worse that Catholic guilt. 2) Unsolicited advice--could Avery's 9-day Puke-apalooza be the results of a food allergy? 3) I wandered around the Smith's for 25 minutes today after work, trying to decide on what to make for dinner, and it made me think about you and Diet Sprite and lemon and that made me miss you. 3) Your post about Grayson and his army of dancing Graysons made me laugh so hard....I bet you wanted to eat his face off, huh?!