Monday, December 22, 2008

My mother is convinced we're cursed. Anybody know a good Shaman?

Well, readers, it was an interesting weekend.

It began by me coming home from work Friday night to find the snow blower leaking the entire contents of its gas tank on my garage floor, followed by the entire house filling with gasoline fumes, followed by my mother calling the non-emergency fire department, followed by them coming to the house and telling us there was nothing they could do and then pouring some wood shaving thingies on the gasoline and then sweeping it up (it reminded me of elementary school when kids would puke in the cafeteria and Mr. Sheely, the custodian, would pour some saw dust on it and sweep it up--I was intrigued that the fire department didn't have something slightly more advanced, but I suppose if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?!), followed by us sleeping with the windows open in the middle of a Logan snowstorm, followed by the house continuing to smell like a mechanic until my mother poured a bottle of Simply Green all over it and now instead of smelling like gasoline, the garage smells like a McDonald's bathroom. I suppose that is slightly better on the smells scale.

Then yesterday Gavin woke up with a fever and he was very lethargic, I thought he might have an ear ache, so I took him to InstaCare to get him checked out. Turns out his ears looked good, but his throat was a little red, so they swabbed him to test for strep throat. As soon as the nurse was finished sticking the over-sized Q-Tips down his throat, he turned to me and said, "I think I'm going to throw-up" and then proceeded to puke the contents of his stomach (two eggo waffles, syrup and a juice box) onto the floor of the exam room. The nurse felt so bad about gagging him that she gave him two dinosaur stickers and a dog-show sticker game. He just wanted to go home and have a Jones soda.

Hans and I did major Christmas grocery shopping yesterday and when we got home we wondered where we were going to put it all, I ended up leaving her to put the groceries away while I took Gavin to the doctor (see above paragraph). Well, when I went to get an apple for Sprinkles dinner, the refrigerator smelled of pickles and that's when I saw it--an electric green puddle at the bottom of the fridge--and using my keen sense of smell and observation discovered that our Christmas Ham had knocked over a bottle of pickles and the juice had spilled out and leaked down the different shelves of the fridge. I hate pickles. I hate the smell of pickles. I hate the idea of having to touch pickle juice, so I made my mom clean it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. I'm a horrible daughter. But they were HER pickles and HER dumb Christmas Ham. And I hate pickles!!

It's snowing sideways here. I wonder how much a plane ticket to Puerto Rico would be...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Get your legislation off my womb, assholes.

Annette--get your guest room ready; I'm moving to Canada.

Our awesome president, who only holds office for a few more weeks, has done something truly awesome (note sarcasm) and fucked up the reproductive rights of the women of the US and there's nothing, save an act of Congress, can be done to stop it. Evidently, our awesome president, feels it's his god-given right to protect the babies--even babies who haven't been conceived yet--and has passed his Health Care Provider "Conscience" Law, which would allow any doctor or pharmacist, who was morally opposed to birth control, to refuse to prescribe or dispense it and they could not be prosecuted or fired for it. In essence, that mental giant in the White House has control of my uterus and I want it the fuck back. I don't understand why the Christian Conservative Right feel it's their job to dictate what I can and can't do with my body....MY body. It's already bad enough that there's no proper sex ed. in our schools and that they can teach Creationism in Science classes, but this is infuriating. Bush has successfully started a war he can't stop, sat back while the economy has become increasingly worse and has essentially tarnished what little reputation the US had for being a fair and articulate place, but what's REALLY important, is making sure women can't be in control of their bodies and their choices for their lives and the lives of their families. IF YOU CAN'T BE A DOCTOR OR PHARMACIST WHO SUPPORTS THEIR PATIENT'S RIGHTS TO BE IN CHARGE OF THEIR OWN BODIES THEN DON'T BE A DOCTOR OR PHARMACIST, it's as simple as that! Bah! It makes me want to barf and punch shit!

Gee are you Mac-ers persistent! Scott's been trying to talk me into getting a Mac since we first started dating...I told him I would only buy one if they sold Macs that were bright pink with sparkles and pictures of unicorns and rainbows. Now I'd settle for a computer that won't eat my important things.

It's snowing sideways here. I hate snow. Give me bitter freezing cold any day, but snow makes me want to cry in the women's toilet.

I've finished most of my Christmas shopping. Just have stockings to buy now--Mugs, magazines, pretty underpants and oranges equals Christmas at the Rockne's!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I.E. can suck it....

It appears that my home computer has had a run-in with the infamous "glitch" with Internet Explorer. The virus has completely eliminated all of the execution commands, leaving the computer unable to even start. Thanks for the heads-up Microsoft that your program might allow for the complete annihilation of my computer. Hopefully Daniel, our computer guy can fix it. Otherwise I will have lost pictures of the kid's first day at school, this Halloween and my trip to Italy/Prague. And this will not make me happy.

My mother bought 2 more tins of those damn Dansk butter cookies. One for me and one for the kid. Evidently, the addiction is genetic and I've passed it on to Gavin! Hey, Kevin, wanna come over and share a tin and some spiked hot chocolate?!

Last night we had our staff Christmas party. Stephen's son Benjamin was my date. He's 7 months and it was a joy to go out with a guy who didn't talk non-stop about himself and wasn't expecting me to put out at the end of the date!

I'm curious if dumb people know that they're dumb.

Briskey, I'm sorry about the text break-up. That guy's like school on Saturday--no class.

I've decided that there is nothing better than the feeling of washing your face and brushing your teeth and taking out your contacts and sliding into bed with a book at the end of the day. It's even better when there is an electric blanket to make you feel like a baked potato.

Top Chef is on tonight. I'm very excited--Chef Tom is going to read them the riot-act about their sub-par performances so far...I sense some chefs crying in the womens toilet. Hans and I have decided that although Padma is a pretty lady, we think Gail is prettier.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Dear 8 lbs 6 oz sweet infant Jesus...

Sometimes I wish I would just shut up. I don't know what it is about me--it's like my brain goes on pause while my mouth keeps moving...well, more like my brain goes on pause and my fingers keep typing. I get word vomit and then after I realize what I've said/typed I get really embarrassed and can't believe I did it yet again! I'm thinking of giving up communication of any kind full-stop.

I just got off the phone with my dearest childhood friend. She's a deaf education teacher and is married to a Swahili Tribesman she met while she was volunteering & building a deaf school in Kenya. Yeah. I know. Makes ya feel a little lame, huh?

While Hans was visiting last weekend she bought some of those Dansk Danish butter cookies....I love, love, love them. I'm trying VERY hard not to eat the entire tin by myself. It's a battle. It's a battle I think I'm going to lose. Help me, friends. Help me.

I'm kinda over all the jewelry/diamond commercials that seem to be everywhere on the tv. Here's a thought. Why don't you buy your significant other something that didn't cost a little African boy his arms or annihilate an entire village overnight. Just a thought.

Ok. I gotta go. Talladega Nights is on and I'm missing it, but more importantly, it's been at least 3 minutes since I ate a butter cookie....I gotta go....why they gotta be so good....ya crazy dutch bastards....

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A day of "Firsts"

Gavin is officially 6. Ok. Technically he's 6 & one day, but who's counting...certainly, not me, I didn't want him to turn 6, because by all accounts, the kid's gonna be cute for 2 more years and then he's going to start to hate me and get a smart mouth...he's already slightly verbally aware when it comes to statements, so I'm a little afraid to see what the future holds...

We decorated our Christmas tree yesterday. Mainly all of our decorations consist of hand-me-downs from my maternal grandparents or ornaments we've had since the dawn of time...but I like may look ghetto to the outside world, but my tree is filled with memories and ornaments I made when I was a kid or the disco ball mirror donut or the ornament my sister got off the back of a Giggles cookie box when she was 6....there isn't an ornament on that tree that doesn't have a story and really, isn't that the point of Christmas?

Gavin had his first cavity filled today. Now, before you all think I'm a horrible mother and that my kid is going to have a mouth full of those creepy metal teeth, we caught it very early and the dentist was able to take care of it without having to numb him or even really having to drill, see, no need to call DCFS. It was also his first introduction to Nitrous Oxide! Our dental assistant was lovely and explained everything that was going to happen without scaring him and then put the little "snout" over his nose. He told me it smelled funny, but I told him to keep breathing. Within 30 seconds, he was laughing and within 2 minutes he started yelling, "I can't even hear myself. Hello? Hello? Myself? Hello? Heeeeeellllllloooooooo? Me?" He spent most of the visit saying this and then telling our dental assistant, whose name was Cat, that it was lucky that there weren't any dogs around because dogs chase cats. I laughed until I cried. At least I know what kind of a drunk the kid is gonna be!

Gavin also had his first Holiday Concert tonight. Each of the different grades at school sang a couple of songs. It was the longest hour of my life, but Gavin was a star. He didn't cry and he wasn't scared. I was really proud of him. Getting up in front of a lot of strangers can be really intimidating, but he didn't let that stop him. He sang We Wish You a Merry Christmas like a professional. As such, I will be crushing that and any other inclination he might have to pursue the stage. Maybe he'll be a dentist.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Bah Hum-Tag

For all those folks who use those net Christmas lights to decorate their homes, um, folks, EVERYBODY knows that they're the net Christmas're not foolin' anybody. Stop being lazy and do it properly.

Speaking of that, we're putting up the Christmas tree this weekend. I don't particularly like Christmas. As I've gotten older the joy has slowly been sucked out of it for me, but since I've got the kid, I try and not be too Bah Humbug about things. He's only receiving one present and a stocking from me for Christmas. The present cost me a pretty penny, so I thought anything else would be excessive. I'm trying to raise him to not be obsessed with material things and to be thankful for everything that he has. I say "no" to him a lot....his grandparents and Hans, however, are a different story all together....

I've been tagged! Briskey tagged me. Chrislynn tagged him before that and it kinda made his day. So here are my answers to the collection of 7 questions....

Seven Things I Can Do:
1. Sew a costume, hem a pair of pants with a locking hem stitch and sew on a button the Woodger Way
2. Make the kid laugh
3. Make a mean bowl of buttered noodles.
4. Choreograph dances for adults dressed as pumpkins or 80s Jazzercise participants
5. Type while having a conversation
6. Sell a ticket
7. Braid my own hair

Seven Things I Can't Do:
1. Bat left-handed
2. Cook instant rice...everybody has a food archnemesis...rice is mine
3. Watch the original Star Wars films without falling asleep
4. Make it out of Ikea without spending too much money
5. Understand computers...not even a little bit
6. Walk home from work without almost getting hit by a car
7. Understand the appeal of Paris Hilton

Seven Things That Attracted Me to Scott:
1. He's a man, not a little boy
2. He makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the room, even when I know I'm not
3. He's manly and can fix things
4. He's unbelievably smart
5. He's funny...he makes me laugh all the time
6. He's respectful
7. He's a good person

Seven Things I Say Often:
1. "I know, right?!"
2. "Why is everything so dumb"
3. "You're killin' me, kid"
4. "Sweet baby Jesus in heaven"
5. Any variation of douchebag...douchiness, douchebaggery, etc.
6. "I will punch you in your face"
7. "Please don't make me count"

People I Admire:
1. Grandma Jeanne & Grandma Joann
2. My mom
3. Hans & Sister
4. Briskey (and not just because he named me, but I really am proud of him for moving to New York and kicking its ass)
5. Keri
6. Michelle Obama
7. All the single moms who are trying to make better lives for themselves & their babies.

Seven Favorite Foods:
1. Cold Cereal
2. Butter Chicken from the SuperStore in Nova Scotia and Basmati Rice
3. Pad Kee Mao
4. Massaman Curry
5. Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich
6. Chai Tea
7. Cheese Pizza

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

You say I'm crazy. I got your crazy.

I'm officially 30. Ok. Technically, 30 years & 2 days. I had absolutely no problem with turning 30. I had a breakdown last year when I turned 29. I just didn't have another one in me. And although I have crow's feet and forehead wrinkles that desperately beg for botox, I don't feel 30. I feel as lame and dorky and insecure as I did when I was 14. I wonder when THAT feeling goes away?

My mom bought me a Twilight calendar for my birthday. What was I saying about being a dorky 14 year old? Oh, and FYI, Twilight is scheduled to come out on DVD sometime in February...evidently you can pre-order it already...I shall be reserving my copy under Mrs. Amanda Pattinson....

I think I may be the worst girlfriend ever. Scott sent me flowers for my birthday. Now, for as long as I can remember, I've disliked florist flowers...I'm not flowers or "borrowing" flowers from an obliging field, I'm all for it....there's just something about spending $50+ dollars on flowers that are going to die, I don't dig...anyway, I thanked him for the flowers and for the thought and then told him to not send me flowers again. I mean, who does that?! What kind of girl does that?! What kind of girlfriend craps all over her boyfriend's kind gesture?! But I thought it was better to tell him than for him to continue wasting money on flowers. Was I wrong? Should I have just let him continue sending me flowers and just thanked him sweetly? Sometimes I worry that I'm not sure what to do with a boy who is nice to me.

So I got a call at work the other day, it went something like this:

Me: Cache Valley Center for the Arts, this is Amanda.
Caller: Yes. I'd like to speak with Ich Wong.
Me: I'm sorry. There's no one by that name here.
Caller: There isn't a Mr. Wong there?
Me: No. I'm sorry.
Caller: Ok. Thank you for your time.

After I hung up I realized that I could have made an awesome "I'm sorry, you have the WONG number" joke and I missed that great opportunity. It still makes me a little sad just writing about it.

I purchased Britney's new album...I have to say, it's deliciously dancey...I like the first half better than the second half....Track #3 is turning out to be my favorite....I really hope things start to brighten up for her...I know that sounds incredibly cheesy, since I don't even know her, but she seems like a nice girl who met the wrong guy and put a few bumps on her path....I don't know...maybe I can relate a little...

I've come to the realization that being a girl can kinda suck sometimes.

I wanted to send out a con-blog-ulations to Ann-ette....I'm glad your baby is not going to earn you a spot as a documentary on the Discovery Channel....well, not yet anyway!