Friday, February 27, 2009

If and only if

I have a case of the can't sleeps. I've also eaten too many Zingers, and as a result have both eater's remorse and a tummy ache. I'm also feeling pensive, which is never a good thing.

I often wonder why I make things so hard for myself. I over analyze. I constantly doubt myself. I have allowed people to use and mistreat me. Even to this day I will sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of others without a second thought. I often find it's easier to let people bully me than stand up for myself, because the resulting fight isn't worth it to me. I worry what impression my complacent attitude will have on my son. I want him to grow up, confident and secure, not afraid to stand up for himself or for those around him. I want him to be an emotionally mature adult, who when the time comes, can leave me and live a rich and successful life...and not rich & successful in monetary terms, but lead a life that leaves him fulfilled and this world a better place. Sometimes the fear of making sure your kid will be an asset to the world is crippling. And it's something that nobody talks about and they most definitely don't have a chapter about it in What to Expect When You're Expecting.

I know that life is a constant road of growth and self-discovery...if we're not constantly learning and moving forward, what's the point? But it would be nice, for once, not to feel a little bit like a lost child trapped in this adult body. Life never seems to make sense and I feel like I'm never fully understanding the whys and hows of relationships and life. And I guess I'm not supposed to ever know. It's kinda like the time I took Math 1050. The teacher was this diminutive Chinese man, who's accent was so thick is was near to impossible to understand anything he said. I did the best I could and studied as hard as I could to understand the material, but Math has never been my strong suit and even with all the dedication to the class, I still only received a 'C,' and I had never been more proud of a 'C' grade in my entire life. I had done all I could do and had worked damn hard for that 'C,' so maybe this life I'm living is a 'C' life and I shouldn't be embarrassed by that, I should be proud, because regardless of what has happened in my life, I'm still here. I'm taking care of the people I love. I'm trying to raise a son with an emotional quotient as well as an intelligence quotient. I'm trying to navigate the labyrinth of uncertainty that is being a grown-up. Try, try, always trying. I know Yoda said "there is no try, only do," but Yoda was a puppet who let people put their hand up his ass. I'm just sayin'.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


I was watching The Daily Show the other morning while I was eating my breakfast and they had the president of Amazon as the guest. He was coming on to promote the Kindle 2.0. Now, I don't know if you all are far more tech savvy and actually know what the Kindle is, but if you don't, essentially it's a hand held screen that allows the reader to download hundreds of thousands of books and read them off the screen. The president was singing its praises and talking about how revolutionary it is and how the books will only cost $10 and take just seconds to download. I was struck by an irrational anger and a slight sadness. I love walking to the bookstore. I love the smell of a new book. I love to bring it home and break its spine. I love when the pages of much-loved and often-read books turn up at the corners. I don't want this new fangled technology to signal the demise of the book. I bet the dumb Kindle won't let you underline the lines of Keats you love or make notes in margins of Man's Search for Meaning. I have vowed to NEVER own one. NEVER.

On the subject of books. Thanks, Kevin for recommending Suite Francaise. I've only just started it and I find myself really liking it. So far the Michauds are my favorite! I also picked up The Reader and begun reading that, too. I wanted to see what all the hype was about. The author writes in a very antiseptic way, but for some odd reason it works. Although, I find myself wondering if the story was reversed and it was a 36 year old man and a 15 year old girl, would I find myself enjoying the story as much as I am.

I read an article yesterday about a radio dj who recommended to men that after having sex with their girlfriends that they should put tabasco in the discarded condom to protect the men from the women using the expelled sperm to impregnate themselves. I wondered why these men would be in a relationship with a woman they couldn't trust. But more important than that, why would a woman WANT to get pregnant knowing that the man would probably leave and she'd be left to raise the child alone? Then I got to thinking and wondered if this was really something that non-psychotic weirdo men are actually worried about and is the drastic step of concocting an ejaculatory hot sauce something a man would do.

In the vein of relationships--I'm not entirely sure I'm built for one! I feel like by the time women are my age, they have a few relationships under their belts and have some idea of what they're doing. I, on the other hand, have absolutely NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!! There's gotta be a self-help book for severely insecure 30 year old women who are in their first actual relationship with a man who has no intention of knocking them up!!

I finally got Scott's Metal & Iron Maiden Appreciation CDs. Oh. My. It's A LOT of metal, friends. A LOT. I haven't been able to listen to all the songs in their entireties yet, but I might just be a closet The Cult fan!

Annette, I'd like to submit the names Thomas and Emmerie for your consideration. With Thomas, it can fit whatever the kid's personality is--if he's straight-laced and Type-A, you can call him Thomas. If he's laid back and goes with the flow, you can call him Tom. If he's a scrapper and likes whiskey and loose women, you can call him Tommy. And Emmerie is what Gavin was going to be called if he was a girl...I know it's two "eeee" names together, but I think it's a pretty name with a great nickname potential.

Briskey, I hope that the packing goes well. I often joke that I'm not moving anymore. I've packed and unpacked enough that the next time I'm moving I'm starting the entire place on fire and starting over! I'm sorry about the kitties, but they'll have a good and happy home and that's what's important.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Sister posted this on her Facebook, but since I don't know how to actually post anything in that technological medium, blogspot it is!!

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
His name was Chris. It was for Homecoming at Logan High. His friend spent the day making comments about my weight and at dinner I just lost it, started crying and ran away. Yeah. I know.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?

3. First alcoholic beverage?
I used to have sips of everybody else's booze, but I think my first "real" drink was a Mike's Hard Berry.

4. What was your FIRST job?
Teresa got me a job at this Chinese take-out restaurant she worked at. I ended up quitting after a few days. The boss was this tiny lady who used to yell at me in Chinese.

5. What was your FIRST car?
A navy blue Ford Escort I inherited from my dad. Hans & I christened him "Bucky Von Putt Putt: The Mayor's car" after this toy car we used to play with as children at our grandmother's house.

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Well, Scott texted me last night, but I didn't get it until this morning, so I guess, Scott, by default.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
The kid. He had slept with me last night and was in the process of taking up three-quarters of the bed.

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs. Dewitt. She used to dress up like a Spanish Senorita for school assemblies and would say something about needing to hear a pin drop to get all the kids to be quiet.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
New York City, with Cassandra & Eric VanTielen. Eric had to explain all the sounds to me so I wouldn't freak out.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
Teresa. We talk on occasion. She always calls me for my birthday.

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
If memory serves, I remember sleeping over at my friend Michelle's house when we lived in East Carbon. I remember being very scared that I wasn't at home.

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
The kid.

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
Devin and Nikki's. I still have the dress. I tried it on a few years ago, and I still fit into it...did I mention they got married when I was in 8th grade? Yep. I was chubby & flat-chested then too!

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Peed & got in the shower.

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
The Cure.

16. FIRST tattoo?
A four-leaf clover on my neck.

17. First piercing?
My ears. I was 8.

18. First foreign country you've been to?
I went to Canandnanandnandnanandndna to visit Annette. I know it's Diet America, Briskey, but I had to go through customs and I think that should count for something!

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
I have no idea! I remember going to see movies for a dollar at Sandy Starship when I was little.

20. When was your FIRST detention?
I never had detention. I came close to getting one in 8th grade for being late to class one time, but it was rescinded when I explained that I had been late to due woman issues.

21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?

22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
I've never had a roommate, I've always lived with family.

23. If you had one wish, what would it be?
A neverending bank account.

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
I've been thinking I'd like to learn how to play a musical instrument.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What do you mean the song is 12 minutes long?

My boyfriend doesn't like pop music. Even after sending him a CD filled to the brim with poppy goodness, he still doesn't like it. I question whether or not I can continue in this relationship. I think we might have to reevaluate our future together if I don't enjoy the 12 hours worth of Iron Maiden that's making its way to me via Regular Post.

Kathy Mattea is performing at the theatre today and tomorrow. Keri & I spent the afternoon singing "18 Wheels & a Dozen Roses." I walked through the theatre while they were sound-checking and Ms. Mattea was wearing sneakers. I'm always fascinated when "famous" people seem "normal."

Due to the sideways nature of today's snow storm, our DirectTV satellite dish was COVERED in the white stuff, making it impossible for us to receive a signal. My mom, always the queen of necessity is the mother of all invention, jury-rigged a pole long enough to make it onto the roof and removed the snow. And not a minute too soon--Gavin started to say he was scared that he would have to go without tv. I think it might be time to reconsider how much television he watches!

And Briskey, I don't want your coconuts of love...I've already pined after a gay man, it's not something I need to do again!

If you please excuse me, I've got a game of tic-tac-toe to play and some subtraction flashcards to do.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Nothing worth having comes without a fight.

Lillith!! You speak NASCAR?!! Nobody understands me, Lillith, and it brings a little comfort to know there's one other out there who likes to Boogity, Boogity, Boogity, Lets go racin' boys!!

On that note, we're having a Daytona Party tomorrow at my brother's house. We're eating hamburgers and Hebrew National hot dogs (SO good) and delicious bean dip Yessica makes (it's got like 2 sticks of butter in it, but I don't care, arteries clog away) and I'm making my grandma's Chocolate Chip Zucchini cake for the occasion. I have a lot of lovely childhood memories wrapped up in Chocolate Chip Zucchini cake.

Gavin and I often play that his kisses give me "cooties" so when he gives me a big kiss he has christened it a "cootie bomb." Well, recently he's started giving me "cootie bomb trees" that release "coconuts of love."

I'm currently writing to you all while listening to the Mixed Tape CD Scott gave me for Valemtime's Day. The one I sent him was filled with random songs--songs I like, songs that make me smile, songs that remind me of him, but mainly just songs that are my favorite. The one he sent me is filled with 1.1 hours of the sweetest and loveliest and most beautiful songs--all of which remind him of me. I began listening to it and promptly started crying, and couldn't stop. The whole thing, all 17 songs, were perfect.

Sister, I'm proud of you and I love you.

Kevin, I'm sorry to hear people using your blogs against you. I don't quite understand what the person had to gain--it seems ever so slightly junior high--but they're your thoughts & opinions and you should never have to apologize for those.

And Annette, the Mythbusters busted the myth about the penny & the Empire State Building. But, I wonder if there was a group of rugged oil-drillers who were at the ready to detonate the pick-up sized space junk, hmmmm.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Wheel

Happiness has returned to the Rockne home in the form of NASCAR. Say what you want. Judge all you like, but watching men drive around in a circle for 3 hours is a strange kind of bliss.

I have to buy Valemtime's for Gavin for his class this weekend. We're not supposed to say who they're to, only that they're from Gavin. And he doesn't need to make a Valemtime's Day box either. This made me a little sad for him. I remember the excitement of making a Valemtime's box when I was his age and getting to use the good glitter.

I asked Scott is he had plans to surprise me for Valemtime's Day, as my room is a mess and I haven't shaved my legs in a while, and I have no intention of cleaning or shaving any time soon if we wasn't planning on making an appearance. He reminded me that I don't believe in Valemtime's Day, which is true--I don't believe in required sentimentality--but irregardless it doesn't mean I wouldn't like to kiss my boyfriend on his face on the day for lovers!

Sometimes I worry that we as women are our own worst enemies.

And Briskey, there is no need to be diplomatic, Annette is 900 times cuter than I ever was pregnant!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Perfection would be a bore, wouldn't it?

My sister Krista is a comparative literature major at the U. She takes some of the oddest and yet coolest classes for this major and I'm slightly green with envy with all the new and exciting things she gets to learn. She also keeps a blog. It's filled with really random things--it really is like her brain in blog form! She recently had to read an interview about the power of myth with Bill Moyers and Joseph Campbell, and posted some of the interview on her blog...I liked it so much that I'm going to steal it and put it on mine...

CAMPBELL: And then he says, "The writer must be true to truth." And that's a killer, because the only way you can describe a human being truly is by describing his imperfections. The perfect human being is uninteresting -- the Buddha who leaves the world, you know. It is the imperfections of life that are lovable. And when the writer sends a dart of the true word, it hurts. But it goes with love. This is what Mann called "erotic irony," the love for that which you are killing with your cruel, analytical word.

MOYERS: I cherish that image: my hometown love, the feeling you get for that place, no matter how long you've been away or even if you never return. That was where you first discovered people. But why do you say you love people for their imperfections?

CAMPBELL: Aren't children lovable because they're falling down all the time and have little bodies with the heads too big? Didn't Walt Disney know all about this when he did the seven dwarfs? And these funny little dogs that people have -- they're lovable because they're so imperfect.

MOYERS: Perfection would be a bore, wouldn't it?

CAMPBELL: It would have to be. It would be inhuman. The umbilical point, the humanity, the thing that makes you human and not supernatural and immortal -- that's what's lovable.

I love the phrase "umbilical point"

And, Annette, I still would've taken theatre classes and been involved in the department, I just would've gotten a degree that I could have a career in and not just a job. Regardless, we were destined to meet, because we're the same person and my inner Annette would have recognized that you were so close and I would have sought you out. Whether or not we would have spent 90% of our time eating bowtie pasta and diet sprites with a fresh lemon wedge, well, who knows...

Scott called me at work today. I must admit that he still gives me butterflies and I get very excited and happy to hear his voice. He was just calling to see how the day was going and to tell me we've reached a Relationship Milestone. Now. I was a little "Gulp. Oh shit. What did I forget" because I'm fairly good with dates and remembering anniversaries of important things (although, I still can't for the life of me remember birthdates...impossible...). It turns out that after dating for 16 months he now has my cellphone number committed to memory. This actually means quite a bit to me, as he's not very good with the remembering, so it melted my heart a little when he told me. It's funny how someone can enter your life so innocently and end up changing EVERYTHING in a really great way!

Briskey, I think you need to see what can happen with British Ben. Of course him living in England and you living in New York is less than ideal, but speaking as someone who's in a LDR, you can make things work. If he's game to trying it, you should see where it can go. My intention with Scott was to have a little fun and enjoy the attention for a little while and now I want to sit on the porch of his fisherman's cottage and grow old with him. At least when all is said and done you'll know that you tried and can look back with absolutely no regrets.

I have fallen in love with a new blog about unnecessary quotation marks. It's silly and funny and totally ridiculous, but it makes me smile and isn't that reason enough to visit a blog! Take a moment and check it out, at least you'll realize you're smarter than the people who write the signs!