The impossible IS possible. IF. YOU'RE. AWESOME!!!

A few observations concerning my life.

1. I have decided that I need to purchase a fringe-laden shirt and wear it whilst grocery shopping.
2. I had no idea there was such a thing as a 12-string guitar.
3. If you have the chance to see Arlo Guthrie live in concert, run, don't walk to the box office to purchase the tickets. His show last night was one of the best live shows I've ever seen. I spent two hours laughing and smiling and enjoying myself.
4. In addition to learning to play the guitar (just a normal, average 6 string, a la Bon Jovi not the aforementioned 12 string variety a la Lead Belly), I have decided that I want to be in a band and play the metal shaky egg...I know it probably has an actual name, but metal shaky egg is what I'm calling it and if you've got a problem with that, then maybe you should stop reading my blog.
5. I miss being able to sleep in and take naps.
6. I'm ready for the warm weather to get here. I actually hate the summer and the hot weather, but there's no place that's Autumn year round, and I'm over the snow, so scalding hot Augusts are you here yet?
7. I've decided that as soon as the weather warms up permanently (none of this week of 60s and then a week of 30s and snow) I'm going to cut my hair and donate it to Locks for Love. I have 13 inches of surplus that I'm ready to get rid of and it kinda makes me feel like Jo March and what girl doesn't wanna feel like Jo March once in her life?
8. I've come to the conclusion that a broken heart kinda feels like having a broken rib. On the outside everything looks fine, but sometimes the simple act of breathing is excruciating.
9. Having said that, each day gets a little easier.
10. And finally, I've decided that I'm taking the power back. (And thanks, again, Annette. I printed yours off and it's stuck to the mirror in my bathroom...)

Each man in himself is everything

I don't like poetry. I don't like poets. I think it's a little self-grandizing and all very "look at how in touch with my emotions I am," but a few years ago, my sister introduced me to a poet by the name of Fernando Pessoa. His book The Book of Disquiet soon became a favorite...it was one of those books that inspired me to highlight passages and dog ear pages and write in the margin, so when Annette asked today about inner poets, I instantly thought of him. I have a few favorite poems and stanzas from A Little Larger Than The Entire Universe...here are a few:

Though I never taste glory and never
Receive love or due respect from others,
It will suffice that life be only life
And that I live it.
--May 26, 1917

I don't want the presents which,
Contrary to your intention, are
The very denial of what you give.
You give me what I'll lose,
Weeping its loss twice over,
As something of you and of me.

Promise it instead, without giving
Me anything, since then the loss
Will occur in my hopes
More than in my memory.

My only displeasure will be
The continual one of living,
Since the days pass and what's hoped for
Still doesn't come, and it's nothing.

--September 2, 1923

I encourage everyone to check out Disquiet...it's a very lovely, beautiful book...and Annette, it'll give you something to do to distract yourself from the impending birth of the alien fetus! Also, I've been trying to read Jane Eyre, but I have a hard time sticking with it...I prefer to watch the Masterpiece Theatre version instead....ooooh, Mr. Rochester...so angsty and delicious.

My Coke Zero addiction has been replaced by a new obsession, Cinnamon Toast eggos. They're the most delicious things on the planet and I've taken to eating them for breakfast AND dinner. And the only reason I don't eat them for lunch is because we don't have a toaster at work!

And sister, you totally know the pickle song....I don't want a pickle/I just wanta ride on my motor-cicle/and IIIIIII don't wanna die/I just wanta ride on my motor/cy/cuhl...

You can call me Olga...

I was IMing with Flood yesterday and he realized that we have been friends for 10 years. It seems so long ago and yet, yesterday. I look at myself at 20 and marvel that he even agreed to be my friend...I was so shy and socially awkward, but I'm sure glad he did...he was my first real college friend and I can always count on him to tell me the absolute truth...he was also my first real grown-up crush and there will always be a soft spot in my heart for him...and thanks for all the kind words yesterday, Floodikins, they really meant a lot.

And Briskey, I totally intended to give a shout out to you, but I was trying not to dwell on things longer than they needed to be dwelled on and as a result, you were edited out...but thank you for all your song suggestions, a lot of them made it onto the CD and have kept me out of the women's toilet!

And thanks, Lillith, it's comforting to know that someone as wonderful and beautiful as you has been on the receiving end of a dumping and went on to find someone really great...I guess everybody has their Willoughby before they have their Colonel Brandon!

I've added two more things to my Bucket List. One. I want to learn to play the guitar. I've wanted to learn to play an instrument for a while now, it used to be the cello, but who has the time to learn to play the cello, and besides, the cello is a little difficult to schlepp around to sing fireside during camp-outs or use it to pretend that I'm Neil Diamond. And two. I want to go to Buenos Aires and spend a couple of weeks learning to dance the Argentine Tango. There are several tango schools that cater to "tourists" and they teach you the tango during the day and the evenings are spent dancing the night away at dance clubs. I suppose I should probably learn some Spanish beyond my 8th & 9th grade ability to ask what time is it (que hora es?), so I think that's Part B to that addition.

My dad is coming up on Saturday. He and I have a date to go see Arlo Guthrie at work. My parents used to sing the motorcycle pickle song to us kids when we were growing up, so it'll be nice to hear what it's supposed to sound like!

Oh. Hello Pain. Yes, I know we have some business, but don't get too comfy, you're not going to be here long.

Well, gentle readers, some interesting things have happened since my last post:

1. My brother and his wife learned they are going to be having a little boy. They're going to name him Knute and my brother is campaigning pretty hard for the nickname "Knuckles." My dad wants "Tuffy," but I have a feeling "Knuckles" is going to win out in the end. God bless my patient sister in law, Jessica...she really does deserve some sort of prize.

2. My sister Krista turned 28! Congratulations on turning another year old, Sister...you make 28 look goooood!

3. Poor Hans has viral pneumonia. She's been doing that cough until you gag thing for the last few weeks.

4. And after a year and a half of dating, Scott decided to end things with me. I won't go into details, but needless to say I didn't see it coming. I really did think I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and it hurt when he ended things. I've never really had a "break-up" before....my relationship with Dustin was hardly a relationship, so it's been odd dealing with the aftermath. I think the hardest part is just retraining my brain: to not instantly add 3 hours onto the current time to determine what time it is in Nova Scotia, to not expect the call at 10:30am every morning to check-in and see how the day is going, and to not see something or have something happen and have my first response is "I need to call Scott." I've been reading 'It's Called a Break-up 'cause it's Broken' (it's written by the same guy who wrote He's Just Not That Into You) and it's been helping and I've taken the approach that the musical stylings of Kenny Loggins are going to get me through the heartache (really, try it, next time you're blue put on a little Kenny Loggins...it's fundamentally impossible to be melancholy while listening to the CaddyShack theme!). I decided that I'm not going to cry about it anymore. Sure it sucks. Sure it sometimes hurts to breathe. Sure it's not what I was expecting, but I'm not some pathetic, sniveling girl. I've got asses to kick and names to take and shit to do and crying in the women's toilet will not make him change his mind, so I'm pulling myself up by my proverbial love bootstraps and I'm moving forward. I refuse to sit on the corner waiting for him to change his mind...I'm not that girl and I don't want that kind of life.

Spring is bustin' out all over!

I had to buy new pants this week. Long story short, I've gained some weight and as a result I was forced to buy new pants. It was while trying not to cry in the ladies dressing room that I began to wonder where this hatred of my body came from. I've never been a size 2, even when I was at my thinnest, I was never really "thin." I've always had cellulite and man calves and saddlebags and since the birth of Gavin, I've added stretch marks to the mix. But here's the lame thing--even with all my flaws, there's no reason for me to hate my body. The hips and thighs that I hate so much are strong and healthy. They carry me to and from work everyday. They're with me when I comfort my son. And they're not ever going to leave, so when do I, as a woman, realize that I'm ok just the way I am? When do I accept that I might just be a size 10 for the duration of my adult life and that to try and make myself fit in some kind of societal mold is just setting myself up to damage this beautiful, imperfect body who deserves more respect than I'm giving it. When do I say those immortal words, "I'm beautiful dammit" and whole-heartedly mean them? I think it happens about the same time I stop feeling like a 14-year-old girl. Oy!

I've become addicted to CokeZero. I can't stop myself. It's like Coke, but not. All of the Coke-y goodness and none of that oppressive guilt (see paragraph #1)! I know it's not good for me. It's flavored, colored sugar water, but it's just so tasty. Mmmmm....

Spring is just around the corner...I can feel it. The sun is getting sunnier and warmer. I didn't have to wear the raspberry beret 2.0 walking to work 2 days in a row this week. It's only a matter of time before the trees start budding and the flowers start blooming. I can't wait.

Scott is in Port Hawkesbury today doing sound for an Icelandic singer. His name is Thor. There's no story to accompany that, I thought the simple fact that his name is Thor made it noteworthy.

And Lillith, you can't be happy all the time. It's not healthy. Sometimes you just have to have a day where you want to punch people in their throats and melt the skin off their faces. With that being said, I do think you should warn people, so they can avoid the wrath...I've learned that some people don't actually like getting punched or having their skin melted off...I'm not entirely sure what their problem is, but some people are weird like that.

And Briskey, thanks for the advice. It definitely pays to have my own personal Gay Truth Booth!

And Annette, I will no longer make suggestions for the Christie progeny. I don't want to abandon you, but you're on your own. Although, maybe you should think about Thor!