If and only if

I have a case of the can't sleeps. I've also eaten too many Zingers, and as a result have both eater's remorse and a tummy ache. I'm also feeling pensive, which is never a good thing.

I often wonder why I make things so hard for myself. I over analyze. I constantly doubt myself. I have allowed people to use and mistreat me. Even to this day I will sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of others without a second thought. I often find it's easier to let people bully me than stand up for myself, because the resulting fight isn't worth it to me. I worry what impression my complacent attitude will have on my son. I want him to grow up, confident and secure, not afraid to stand up for himself or for those around him. I want him to be an emotionally mature adult, who when the time comes, can leave me and live a rich and successful life...and not rich & successful in monetary terms, but lead a life that leaves him fulfilled and this world a better place. Sometimes the fear of making sure your kid will be an asset to the world is crippling. And it's something that nobody talks about and they most definitely don't have a chapter about it in What to Expect When You're Expecting.

I know that life is a constant road of growth and self-discovery...if we're not constantly learning and moving forward, what's the point? But it would be nice, for once, not to feel a little bit like a lost child trapped in this adult body. Life never seems to make sense and I feel like I'm never fully understanding the whys and hows of relationships and life. And I guess I'm not supposed to ever know. It's kinda like the time I took Math 1050. The teacher was this diminutive Chinese man, who's accent was so thick is was near to impossible to understand anything he said. I did the best I could and studied as hard as I could to understand the material, but Math has never been my strong suit and even with all the dedication to the class, I still only received a 'C,' and I had never been more proud of a 'C' grade in my entire life. I had done all I could do and had worked damn hard for that 'C,' so maybe this life I'm living is a 'C' life and I shouldn't be embarrassed by that, I should be proud, because regardless of what has happened in my life, I'm still here. I'm taking care of the people I love. I'm trying to raise a son with an emotional quotient as well as an intelligence quotient. I'm trying to navigate the labyrinth of uncertainty that is being a grown-up. Try, try, always trying. I know Yoda said "there is no try, only do," but Yoda was a puppet who let people put their hand up his ass. I'm just sayin'.